Solid Advice to Those Lending to Their Friends!
Ever helped a friend by lending some money and then never saw that money, and maybe the friend too, come back into your life?
A friend calls you one day and talks in a slightly sweeter tone than usual. After some small talk, he comes down to the business “I need some money”. The conversation follows with details such as the amount, the background behind the request, and a very humbled but somewhat strong promise that the money will be returned to you soon (let’s say 6 months).
You — my dear — are young, graduated from a good college about a year or two ago, have a pretty good job, and have already accumulated some savings. You are also magnanimous and want to genuinely help your near and dear ones whenever possible. You think you know your friend (who’s asking for money) well and find him trustworthy. You are a good-hearted person who believes that the world is a good place, and full of equally good-hearted people.
After you transfer the money, the friend sends you a ‘Thank You’ message. Almost everybody, regardless of how carefree or optimistic they are, feels a bit twitchy when a big lump some amount of money gets wired out from their account as a loan to someone else. You feel that emotion too. But a few seconds later you get the ‘Thank You’ message from the friend, and you hear a voice in your head “Oh it’s ok. He’s going to return it. I should feel good about this”.
Seven months pass. Since money can be an awkward topic, you had not brought it up at all with your friend during these seven months. You felt that one day the friend would call you and tell you he was transferring the money back. But now, a month has passed over the promised timeline of the return. So you call that friend. “Oh yeah, I remember. Don’t worry man. My payday is coming. Give me a week”, says the friend. You feel assured and also relieved that you brought it up with your friend and that he remembers.
Two weeks pass. Now a voice tells you “He’s gotta return it now. I gave him enough time”. You call that friend. He doesn’t pick up. You leave a message to him. He replies “Busy now, will call you soon”. Two more days pass. You call him again. He doesn’t pick. After another day, the friend calls you and tells you “Oh don’t worry. I got my salary but had to wire some money to my dad and pay some bills. Relax, I will give you the money by coming Monday”.
Monday goes by. Now you are getting more than just twitchy. You have started feeling a little bit of discomfort though you haven’t lost your trust in that friend altogether. On Wednesday, you call that friend. He doesn’t pick up. You follow up with 5 more calls over the next 3 days, but all of them go unanswered, along with your messages. Now the discomfort is transforming into embarrassment and distress. You want the money back, as damn fast as possible.
After another two days, you find the friend online on Instagram. You voice-call him on Instagram. He’s smart enough to know that you are calling him because you caught him online. Out of some bit of dignity and respect for the relationship, the friend picks up your call. He tells you about some emergency that he got caught up in. Your tone has now become more insistent than requesting.
The friend ‘understands he has to return the money’. He tells you about how he suddenly found himself in some unexpected situations which demanded him to use the money elsewhere. He promises to return the money after his next payday, which is another fortnight away. While you are not happy about the situation, you feel slightly light because at least you confronted him and have now made it daylight clear that he’s gotta give you back your money.
The payday passes. You give that friend one more day. You are keeping a tab on the days. You call the friend and give him a polite, which is more stern than polite, reminder. The friend tells you that he will wire you the money by the end of the day.
Money doesn’t come by the end of the day. Now the embarrassment and distress transform into anger and regret. You tell yourself that if and once the money comes back to you, you are not calling that friend ever again. You sleep, uneasily.
The next morning, you send him a message “Hey it’s been 9 months now.. Just give me the money, I need that for some important expenditure”. No response to the message. You call him multiple times for the rest of the day. All the calls go unanswered. Perhaps you are ghosted by that friend for the coming days altogether. The World is no longer a very good place for you.
Sounds Familiar? Here’s my advice as a 37-year-old:
Does all of this sound a bit familiar to you? It’s certainly happened to me, multiple times. And I know a lot of my ‘magnanimous’ friends who have suffered the same at the hands of the people they trusted. Some of us were lucky to get the money back eventually. Some were not.
By the way, it may not just be your friend who does this to you. Sometimes, a near or a distant family member could take you on a ride.
From my experiences, I can tell you that ‘the friend’ is not such a bad person. He may be a gem of a guy. But money (and power), as wise men say, can corrupt anyone’s mind to an extent that the affected person may not even register it.
Money can do funny things to your mind. I have seen this tendency in many people, and admittedly even in myself, to find it hard to release a large sum of money from own possession to someone else regardless of whether that money rightfully belonged to the first person or not.
If the money under the subject is a very large amount, then one also loses out on the interest value of the money if there is too much delay in return. This can frustrate the financially savvy lender even more.
After having gone through some rough experiences, I decided that I would not lend large money amounts to even the closest of my friends. I make exceptions only when the person requesting the money is part of a very short list of my friends/family members whose integrity is unquestionable and well demonstrated in the past, and who promises to return it in a very short time (let’s say a week).
To those of you who haven’t been bitten like this yet, my suggestion is that you re-read the above story and then decide for yourself. This is not a fictional story. Neither is it unique to me. It happens to too many people and will keep happening. It’s for you to learn from others and say ‘No’ when such a situation looks like surfacing in your life.
