The savior complex danger: when people-pleasing backfires
I became a sacrificial lamb because I prioritized people’s needs over mine.
Are you really a people-pleaser if you haven’t gone out of your way to help people who have shown you time and time that they wouldn’t bat an eye when you need them the most?
Are you really a people-pleaser if you have never said yes to a situation you badly wanted to say no to?
Are you really a people-pleaser if you have never been friends with people you know who are using you?
I battled with the savior complex for so long until a few tragic events happened to me.
For those new to this term, a savior complex means the urge to save or help others at the expense of YOUR OWN NEEDS OR SAFETY.
Society greatly emphasizes kindness but rarely discusses the thin line between kindness and having a savior complex.
From my experience, having a savior complex makes it easy to fall prey to USERS.
By USERS, I mean:
- people who see you as an opportunity rather than as a person
- people who do not like you but keep you around for the benefits
- people who would never appreciate the things you do for them
- people who will never reciprocate the things you do for them
I would go out of my way to be there for my so-called “friends.”
Even when it was not the most convenient situation, I would make sacrifices so they would be happy.
I used to be that person who was always ready to say yes to people’s requests out of kindness, especially to the people I called friends, but it never got reciprocated.
From time to time, their actions would prove that they would never be there for me when I needed them, but guess who kept going out of her way to be there for them?
ME!!!
The problem with having a savior complex is that you most likely will know people who are NOT YOUR TRUE FRIENDS, but the urge to always be there for them, even if it drains you, will be there.
It continued from time to time like this: I had no boundaries, and I did not know how to say NO.
Another problem with having a savior complex was that I always saw the good in people and constantly ignored their obvious red flags.
These red flags were the driving forces behind my unpleasant experiences with these USERS.
These events, though distasteful, were the reasons why I LEARNT TO AFFIRM MY BOUNDARIES AND ALSO STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE SHOWN ME FROM TIME TO TIME IN SUBTLE WAYS THAT THEY DO NOT LIKE ME.
Here are some painful truths I realized the hard way about the savior complex that everyone needs to know:
It wouldn’t make you more loved.
People who already don’t like you for no reason won’t start to like you suddenly because of the nice things you do for them.
In my experience, people value you less over time when you constantly make yourself accessible to people not in your best interest.
There may even be an urge to do more, so they may value you more, but no, the opposite will happen.
You start to hold resentment towards everyone.
At some point in my life, I befriended people who only remembered me when they needed my help.
I was the type who had no boundaries and would say yes to requests that were not even convenient for me to fulfill. I would let go of my needs to ensure I do not offend “my friends”— I would talk more about this towards the end of my story.
On occasions when I needed them to do the things that were “convenient” for them to do, they were nowhere to be found.
It happened like this on so many occasions, and every time I was disappointed, I harbored resentment in my heart toward them.
They gaslighted me when I tried mentioning how their actions affected me. Resentment was one way I could process the hurt I felt.
After a few experiences, I knew I was being used and noticed the gaslighting patterns. Still, it took quite a few more bitter experiences to solidify my boundaries and protect myself from them.
You start to neglect your own needs.
There is no way on earth that you would have a savior complex and love yourself as you ought to.
When I had this complex situation, every other person’s needs came before mine, and in some instances, I would completely let go of my urgent needs.
“The time I was supposed to spend on my self-development, I spent it trying to help others fix their own lives. Meanwhile I had my baggage to fix without any help”.
You can quickly put yourself in a harmful position.
As I stated earlier, a person with a savior complex has weak boundaries, and all sorts of people have easy access to you.
It makes you easily manipulated and vulnerable to bad people and bad events.
In my own experience, I befriended someone who I knew could self-harm. I wanted to be the friend they could lean on, but instead, the person physically attacked me during a misunderstanding.
I never saw it coming, but that was my most significant reality check. I had to sit down and study all my people-pleasing patterns and how I could destroy my savior complex.
They will resent you when you begin to have boundaries.
One thing about people who are out there to use you for their benefit is that they hate it when you realize your self-worth.
By creating boundaries for yourself, you’re limiting their access to you and reclaiming your power.
This often leads to subconscious resentment towards you, but it’s a small price to pay for your newfound confidence.
They either start to show you:
- their true color
- how they genuinely feel about you
AND THE WORST PART OF IT ALL? THEY COULD START A SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST YOU.
I experienced it all.
In all of this,
- Learning to say no
- Being selective with the cross you carry
- Having strong boundaries
- Loving yourself a bit more is a great way to break this savior complex that you have.
“Imagine you show up for yourself the same way you show up for people.”
“Imagine you seek less validation from people, especially those who do not matter.”
“Imagine you spend a little more time on your self-care instead of wasting that time helping people who do not like you.”
“Imagine pouring your love into people who would do the same or already do the same for you.”
“Imagine getting yourself a pretty dress instead of spending it on a birthday gift for someone who didn’t even remember your birthday.”
JUST IMAGINE HOW THESE THINGS WOULD IMPROVE YOUR LIFE.
Finally, this article does not speak against showing kindness to people. The whole point of my story is to help you see how having strong boundaries and using your discretion when deciding who to be there for would stop you from ending up in a bad situation.
You have reached the end of my article. What part of my story do you relate to the most?
