These 10 Qualities Are Helpful if You Want to Live In an Community
Sixteen years ago, we Spirebos joined together as a community. Here are our years of experience that can help you in your deliberations!
Spirebos came together as a community 16 years ago to pursue common goals. We started with 14 people in 2006, and today we are 28 people ranging in age from 1 to 64.
Time and time again we are asked, “How do you actually manage to stay together when so many communities are disintegrating?”
Here are 9 characteristics to help you figure out if community or extended family living is for you and how to master it:
1. Have common goals
Every person is different. You can’t just erase those differences, and that’s a good thing! But: It is easier to “bear” the inevitable bickering, teasing, inconsistencies and misunderstandings in a community if the common goal keeps you together.
A rough framework, a basis or guideline of what you want to implement should already be given.
For example, it makes no sense to become a member of a gardening community if you don’t like vegetables, don’t want to work in the garden and prefer to spend your life in front of the television.
2. Be aware that communities have advantages AND disadvantages
Here’s an example to help illustrate how darn close everything is:
You start regular team meetings to get clear on how best to approach & implement what. The basic idea is that everyone can participate, all opinions are thrown together.
This CAN bring the community
— efficiently materially and spiritually
— and promote an open, honest togetherness.
But it CAN also bring everything to a standstill
— because everyone insists on his point of view and decisions are not made in the sense of the community.
— because mostly 2 types of people meet here: The ones who like to take over everything and have little trust in the abilities of others — and the people who tend to withdraw anyway and “let others do it”, thus putting all responsibility into the hands of others.
You see: The same approach can lead in 2 directions. Here advantages AND disadvantages are very close to each other.
AND: Solutions also come from just starting & trying instead of discussing around theoretically and wasting valuable time and energy.
3. Flexibility — having it is one thing, keeping it is another
Communities challenge flexibility!
In the beginning, many succeed well in their elated motivation. But beware: Most of the time you don’t even notice that you think you are in a safe nest and have adopted a familiar daily routine.
OTHER THAN THAT: There is your own flexibility — AND group flexibility.
To be flexible, to get involved in other tasks, to have the courage to familiarize oneself with new things, to not dogmatically insist on “one’s” task (in the sense of “only I can do that” or “I want to do it alone, because then I am important”).
Here’s a hammer sentence that we didn’t manage to make shorter, but simply applies:
It is best to assume that everything is subject to constant change and that you should change yourself, your ideas and their implementation depending on the natural conditions.
Especially if you are ready to get involved in something new again and again, you will notice that experimenting & trying out, observing, evaluating, changing, adapting, experimenting or changing the course completely belongs and counts to an important & essential spectrum of activities, to personal attitude.
4. Tolerance and respect
In communities, tolerance towards others is considered a high good. It is important not to forget the respect (this is not the same! Look here on Wikipedia TOLERANCE and RESPECT):
To the others, but also to yourself. Do not exalt yourself or others, but do not humiliate yourself or anyone else.
Remember: the idiosyncrasies that annoy you the most in others are often just mirrors of ourselves.
Ask yourselves the question:
What can we do and how can we change to live more respect and tolerance?
You will be surprised how quickly your behavior, but also the behavior of others towards you, will automatically change for the better.
5. Willingness to compromise
Here lies buried the end of many communities. The gift to see
- when a compromise is appropriate
- and when you should stand by your opinion/decision
probably has to be in the blood or simply learned.
A good compromise lets hurdles fly over, a wrong compromise out of misplaced harmony addiction or cowering brings no one further. Good ideas or constructive suggestions lose their momentum. Valuable inspiration is lost and the implementation of a goal cannot be realized in an optimal way.
Often one could bite oneself in the ass afterwards, if one kept own suggestions for oneself, which would have brought the community further!
Stubbornness and intolerance are the death and the end for every development process, bring dissatisfaction, sadness and lack of trust in yourself and your counterpart, which nobody wants in a real community — but also should not do to anyone else.
6. Helpfulness
It’s easy to pick on someone behind closed doors. But in a community there is no someone, everyone is part of the family and an important part! So be real friends and help your fellow member respectfully without making him look like a fool. That is honest help, it is already harder.
AND: You yourself should also be able to accept help! In communities, the mistakes of others, but also those of oneself, are much more noticeable. This can be good by the way: Where else do you get the chance to have your weaknesses shown so mercilessly in order to work on them?
How much stronger will your community become when a supposedly weak person finds new strength and can actively support you the next time it matters?
Don’t forget: You also have weak points and are hopefully happy about the support of a friend at the appropriate moment. When weaknesses are truly overcome, a sense of trusting detachment develops, which has a positive effect on everyone in the community.
7. Special competence
Everybody has his special competences, no matter how unimportant you think they are. And be it only an unbelievable thoroughness in the cleaning behavior, as for example Margot has it in our community. Thanks to this quality, the hygiene standard of our farm cheese dairy could probably compete with any other high-tech cheese dairy (Margot herself can’t stand this quality in herself!).
THE BEAUTIFUL THING: In communities, many professional competencies inevitably come together, which has a great advantage: Together you are strong — and stronger!
AND: Professional competencies can be expanded & developed! Take every opportunity to learn from others. This makes you freer and more independent, braver, stronger and more self-confident. Accept if others can do something better, but contribute your talents as good as you can!
8. Give up your own comfort
It may sound tough, but putting your needs aside a little bit and jumping over your shadow will not only get you further in communities, but in life in general. It’s not the morning tea or coffee, sleeping in, or the evening Netflix series that gives you freedom.
In fact, it’s the other way around:
Giving up every little vice brings back a bit of personal freedom.
Hard to believe — but true. Once you’ve felt for yourself how dependent you’ve become on certain comforts and what you’re missing out on as a result, you may find the consistency to gradually expose the little traps of everyday life and gradually replace them with more valuable things.
9. The 3 C`s: Consistency, Creativity, Concentration
This 3-combination has become ingrained in us over time, because it applies no matter in which situation of life. In everything you do: Do it with concentration, creativity and consequence!
10. openness
Let trust grow with each other (this is harder than it sounds!). Talk openly about your feelings, fears, weaknesses, etc.. BUT: Don’t fall into the trap of feeling stronger because of the openness of your counterpart about his weaknesses!
Do not use openness for your own advantage. Do not blaspheme. Do not make fun of your fellow human beings. Take the opportunity to open up yourself and have the valuable experience of being in a protected circle of like-minded, trusting friends. This is an immeasurably valuable gift that you should cherish and protect.
TO CONCLUDE, a little food for thought:
Think about what you are doing. Thoroughly. But: not too long!
Because if you brood over such steps forever, you will probably discard your bold decision before you have even started with a change in your life :-)
We don’t see ourselves as perfect one bit. We started our journey together 16 years ago. We have come a long way. We have gathered many experiences and unforgettable impressions. And: We are still walking.
The way is the goal ;=)
We wish you good luck! Your Spirebos
