To have or not to have: Read this if you are considering another child!
A while ago, a friend found out she was unexpectedly pregnant. Not quite sure what to do, she reached out and asked me my thoughts on the pluses and minuses of a second child. Being the good friend I am (who loves her own voice 😉), I proceeded to give her all my thoughts! Surprisingly, my friend found it very helpful. Since then, I’ve noticed a lot of posts about surprise second/third pregnancies (Lockdown effect?) and a lot of young parents with similar dilemmas. If you find yourself in similar shoes or are considering another child, read on.
Life has been incredibly kind to us. I have had PCOS for as long as I remember. The husband and I figured getting pregnant was going to be difficult and therefore letting loose in the bedroom was never a problem! Imagine our surprise when both my pregnancies seemed to come out of nowhere (no, we are not good learners) — a story for another day. Having another child has a whole host of good and bad that comes along with it.
The good:
The husband wasn’t big on going for fatherhood a second time around, but after I had my son, I knew I would like him to have a sibling. When my daughter came along, there was a whole host of wonderful things that happened.
The good 1: Having time to yourself!
With my son, I was his everything : source of food to source of entertainment; is keeper of secrets to source of comfort. That left me very very drained and feeling like I had no time or space for myself. When my daughter arrived, it was a different story. I was still her primary source of nourishment (we are very pro breastfeeding), but, she was all eyes and ears for her brother! That meant, I could have them in the same room for close supervision, but I could dial down on “mommy alert” mode for a while. It made for a refreshingly relaxed experience from the get go.
The good 2: A “built in” playmate
My greatest Aha! moment, my complete appreciation for having more than one child happened thanks to COVID. While our worlds turned inward and our children suffered, no doubt; having a sibling helped my son cope better than he would have otherwise. Where earlier staying indoors would have been stressful for him, having his sister for company meant that they could devise new games all they liked without me getting involved except for occasional warnings of “don’t do that” or “don’t make me shut it down”. Having another child means you have at least one playmate assured for your children. This will save you from maybe a thousand frustrating exclamations of “Mama, I’m bored” to about five hundred but it is so worth it!
The good 3: Enjoying a baby all over again
Admit it, babies are the cutest from about 3 months to 3 years. They dish out enough cuteness and send enough of our hormones into overdrive to keep us from doing something drastic as they grow into incorrigible, dancing on every single nerve teenagers, forcing us to reach deep into hitherto unexplored reserves of patience and love. Having a baby again allows you to enjoy a baby again completely. The baby smell, their toothless smiles, having your arms and kisses have the superpowers to soothe all hurt, physical or otherwise once again. Add to that, seeing their personality develop into something so different from their sibling’s is a reward on its own.
The good 4: Teaches lots of life lessons for everyone
Not that single children or their parents do not learn these, but, having more than one child has lots of important lessons for everyone involved that are learned organically. Sharing space, showing empathy and compassion, working together, dealing with jealousy and finding space for love, all of these are lessons that the children learn without parents having to consciously teach.
For parents too there are lessons learned. Learning to love them both equally, learning to appreciate each child for their uniqueness without comparing, learning to discipline each child without impacting the other; all of these and more one learns as a parent too, some of these lessons being ones you didn’t even know you needed to learn!
The good 5: It is easier the second time around
With my son, I remember how every decision I took felt like a huge weight on my shoulders that would potentially decide how he turned out as a person. The pressure I put on myself was immense. From weaning him to teaching him limits, from the first sign of any illness to helping him navigate school, every step was fraught with uncertainties and worries.
With my daughter, I found myself far more relaxed. Not eaten for two days? No big deal, I wouldn’t get really worried until the third day. Fell off the top bunk? If there’s no bleeding/lethargy/vomiting, I’m good. OK, maybe I am a bit too relaxed, but you get the picture. I don’t find myself stressing over whether I am teaching her enough or if she is gaining enough weight. That in turn makes me a far happier parent and I see my children shine because of it.
Having said all of this, there is no getting away from the fact that having another child comes with it’s own baggage. As with everything in life, there are some downs too.
The bad 1: It is expensive.
No matter how one looks at it, bringing a second child into the mix is expensive. Think double the school fees, double the savings for college. Add in the medical cost, provisions, toys, clothing, just everyday expenses that go into keeping that tiny human alive and it works out to quite a hefty sum. Sure, a lot of parents out there manage to bring more children on the same income, but then everybody needs to give up luxuries and in some cases, essentials, including the new child.
The bad 2: Sharpened mediating skills
There are days when all I have exercised are my mediating skills. Refereeing comes with the territory. Whether it is toys or attention, you will find yourself doing nothing but breaking up fights because suddenly nothing and no one else matters more in the world than what the other sibling has; even if there are a million other options available.
The bad 3: It feels like a Forever gig
Yes, it is true that once a parent, always a parent. However, call it plain optimism, but every parent looks forward to the next phase, even when you know that there are more struggles waiting. With a second child though, especially with a larger age difference, you might end up feeling like you are in an endless loop of diapers and potty training. That endless loop can get exhausting and can drain you mentally and physically.
The bad 4: Sibling rivalry is real
Your older child may have begged you until they were hoarse for a sibling. You may have a very mature and inclusive child who makes you the envy of other parents. But, come sibling, and like a monster rearing its ugly head, sibling rivalry will make its appearance. You will find your children fighting over everything, from plates to toys to your attention. It can get tiring and off putting very quickly. They will learn to navigate the jealousy. Eventually. Or not. It’s anyone’s guess really.
The bad 5: It is exhausting
If you thought being a first time parent is tiring, being a parent of two is even more so. Yes, it is easier in a lot of ways, but it still comes with it’s own share of struggles. From teaching your older one to not jump in when disciplining the younger one, to teaching the younger one that the older is not out to get them. From making mealtimes fun to managing chaos on holidays, it can get quite exhausting. Add to that the noise from children running around and screaming all day, being pulled in two directions at the same time, soothing a crying toddler while your older one huffs and puffs about how they are being wronged, it takes a lot to pull oneself together and jump into the chaos.
Parenting is hard. Being responsible for tiny humans is hard. If you are considering becoming parents again, I hope this helps you put your thoughts together. Every family has their own list. I would love to hear more from you if this resonated with you or you have more to add.
