Unlocking Happiness: The Simple Art of Saying No
Escaping the People-Pleasing Trap: How Saying No Can Lead to a Happier, More Authentic Life
Boundaries: we’re all obsessed with them. Whether it's neighbours arguing about which part of the driveway they can put their bins on or the much more sinister land grabs made by governments that end in war, death and destruction.
Even in offices, people become attached to particular desks, mugs and cupboard space. We like to mark our territory and keep others out.
Erecting boundaries in relationships, however, is frowned upon. It’s as if society holds an unspoken expectation that we will be ready and willing to help at the drop of a hat.
We are deemed “selfish” to consider our own needs before attending to those of others. And yet, as anyone who has ever been on an aeroplane knows, we must put our own oxygen mask on first or else risk keeling over in the service of others.
Nevertheless, as a recovering people pleaser, I know it’s not that simple. I’ve always felt called to be there for other people, to the extent that I’ve ended up in therapy twice because I couldn’t cope with the emotional burden of holding someone else up.
If there is a lesson that the universe has had to teach me over and over again, it’s the importance of saying no. Looking back, I can now recognise the selfishness of my actions. I needed to be needed, I didn’t love myself enough, and that was how I got my validation. But it made me sick, sad and lonely. Because relationships are about sharing stories, it’s not a one-way street.
My first wake up call was when someone I was dating said “I don’t need a therapist, I have you” and I realised that I wanted equality, not to be someone’s crutch — that’s not sexy. There was no space for me to share my worries when I was being “the strong one”.
With hindsight, I can see that my people-pleasing was an avoidance tactic — if I was always willing to listen, then no one could ask me questions. It created a false intimacy. By not having any boundaries in place, I avoided vulnerability and true closeness.
Brené Brown advises on the importance of vulnerability in relationships — “vulnerability is not weakness; it’s the foundation of courage, trust, and true connection. It is the birthplace of joy, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” I didn’t have any belonging in my relationships because I wasn’t myself in them, just the supportive structure that the other person wanted me to be.
Why am I telling you this self-indulgent story? So you can avoid the mistakes that I made.
If you recognise yourself in the above, the next time someone wants to lean on you, ask yourself “if I am saying yes to this, what am I saying no to?”. It might be that you are saying no to your own mental well-being or peace of mind. Or that you are saying no to putting your oxygen mask on first.
How to recover from being a people pleaser?
Say no. Not all the time, but when you feel it’s all too much, permit yourself to decline — let someone else take the load. Because there will always be someone else. I have realised that in saying no to people, I allowed them to save themselves. Some chose not to and found someone else to lean on, and that’s ok. Some couldn’t cope with my saying no and our relationship changed or even ended, that’s ok too.
I no longer want to be in unequal relationships, forged on foundations of false intimacy or don’t serve both of us.
“Your boundary need not be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: “I will be treated sacredly.” -Jaiya John
