What Happens After Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship?
You miss that shitty person, despite knowing you deserve better.
Narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a hot topic these days. If not everyone, a lot of people are talking about it, some are trying to explore it while others are telling the world what it felt like in a narcissistic relationship. I came across this term quite a few times but did not pay much attention until one day I read the story of a woman on a social media platform where she discussed her experience. It made me realize that I am also dealing with such a person in my life.
“Can a narcissist fall in love?” I asked in the comment; someone recommended the videos of Doctor Ramani in reply to my comment and I obliged. Dr. Ramani has a dedicated YouTube Channel to discuss Narcissism, what it looks like, what to expect, how to deal with it etc. She has years-long experience in this particular subject and what she has concluded is that there is no cure for narcissism. They are never going to change. If you want to live with them, you’ll have to adjust yourself, you can learn some strategies but you can never make them better.
There is no cure for narcissism — Dr. Ramani
I am no expert in this subject, but I can second that. Because I have been dealing with a narcissist for more than a decade and in all those years our relationship had been through several rough patches, some days were good, others were so bitter I can’t even express it. But one thing that remained unchanged throughout this period is that you will be treated horribly when a narcissist is mad, no matter the time, place, and people around you. You will be yelled at, disrespected, insulted, and whatnot.
Once they will cool down, they will start love bombing, behave all lovey-dovey, and will expect you to leave the past behind and be good to them in a snap of a finger, that too without expecting a public apology. No! you will never get a public apology even if you are insulted in public. If you agree with them, everything goes back to normal until they are mad again, but god forbid, you don’t; you’ll be bullied, even more, gaslighted, and insulted. They will justify their actions and blame everything on you.
Despite enduring all of the above toxic bullshit, it is not easy to leave a narcissistic relationship, because:-
(1) You see their true colors when it is already too late.
(2) You love them.
(3) You can’t imagine a life without them.
(4) You are afraid to be alone.
(5) You worked too hard to save this relationship that giving up does not seem to be an option.
After collecting all your strength, you finally get the courage to leave them. Oh, FINALLY, IT ENDED…. You feel good, relaxed, and more confident on some days, but on others “you miss them”. However, insane it may sound, you still miss them. There are days when you feel like they are all you ever wanted. You question your decisions. What if I am the one who was wrong all that time? You doubt your own worth. Was I ever lovable? Maybe I am the one who lacks what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Will I ever find love again? What did I do wrong? Why me?
While you are going through the above confusing and disturbing thoughts and are in the process of healing, and hurting to the core, they move on. They find someone else to love. Both of them look happy. The other person seems to have an amazing relationship with them. They seem content together. The one who treated you so badly is now someone who treats their new partner with love and respect. The one who left you alone in all your battles seems to be the one who is ready to fight the whole world for their new partner. The relationship seems ideal.
Your confidence is shaken. All those questions which were haunting you on some days are now haunting you twenty-four hours. You miss their attention, that love bombing, the sweet gestures, the love you fell for. But they are gone, you have been replaced. They found a better partner, and both of them are happy together. You, on the other hand, are the one who is all alone, sad, unhappy, and broken despite trying so hard. At this stage, you are the most vulnerable, and this is where you need to stand your ground and stick to your decision.
You see, this is the remarkable skill of narcissists, they succeed in all their plans. People love them, appreciate them, and find them attractive, confident, and responsible. Narcissists are high achievers, people find them impressive. They like to play bodyguards, and those who like to be protected, fall for them. But that doesn’t last long. Their narcissistic traits take over sooner or later and the new partner will go through the same thing that you went through. However, you should not wait around to see when and how that happens. This should not be the purpose of your life.
What you need to remember is that they are incapable of loving anyone except their ego. They are too proud of themselves to admit their mistakes. You may not be there when karma hits them, maybe it never happens. But this is not what you should be thinking about. Your focus should be your peace, happiness, and healing. Let them be the way they want to be and move on with your life. I know, easier said than done, but honey, that’s the only option you have.
