What Medium Did to Me
I had just started writing on Medium. After I published my first story, an incredible thing happened.
After I hit that publish button, I went to my personal blog. I enthusiastically edited and polished one draft that had been lying dormant for quite a while and hit the publish button as well.
All of a sudden, I became a lot braver!
By writing and publishing my first personal story on a more public avenue (as compared to a personal blog), I suddenly lost that feeling of being overwhelmed every time I published a story on my blog site.
Medium did that to me.
They took away a fear that had been crippling me for years.
I started journaling as an emotional outlet. Then, I fell in love with the art of writing. From then on, I aspired to write personal stories about certain topics I’m passionate about.
There’s only one problem: I don’t trust myself enough that I may have what it takes to write and publish stories publicly. This question always bugs me:
“Who’s going to listen to me?”
And so, I struggled with every story I came up with. I have tons of drafts in my Google Drive but only a few of them got officially published on my blog site.
Where did the fear come from?
From low self-esteem.
I know. What a shame right? — to have come this far in my adult life only to declare that I have such a problem. But you might be surprised how this “esteem thing” affects millions of people — children and adults alike.
Hence, it got me to pay attention. Born an HSP, I’m very observant of the people and things around me.
As a teacher, I’ve seen how self-esteem makes or breaks a child in class. As a colleague, I’ve seen how it drives people to behave appropriately or inappropriately. I’ve noticed how my co-teachers handle their responsibilities effectively or ineffectively.
Most importantly, I’ve seen self-esteem dictate how people present themselves to the world.
I’ve witnessed a friend getting a rhinoplasty after being cheated on. Not that I have anything against people who get cosmetic surgery in whatever form — I have no right to judge. But my friend is someone I’ve known for a long time. As a trusted friend, I know her to be better than to get anything on her appearance fixed just because she had been betrayed. In her own words, I quote, “I just want to feel better about myself.”
Correct me if I’m wrong but my instinct tells me that this has something to do with how she sees herself — either lacking or enough.
Isn’t that what self-esteem is?
Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard. — Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist
Anyway, I’ve digressed. Going back to my fear of being rejected or criticized, I know that this has been plaguing me for all of my life. And my usual arm of defense is to safeguard myself. Never mind taking the risk if that meant being safe from ridicule — has always been my motto.
But I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of allowing this fear to dictate my fate.
So, one day, I finally signed up for Medium. Was it ‘all’s well that ends well’ for me? NO! My first ever published story didn’t even make a single noise. No notifications. It was total silence.
My mind immediately blurted out what it had been concluding all along — “See? No one cares! You suck!”
But more determined this time, I made an even bolder move. I sent it to a top writer whose article I found very engrossing with only a clear objective: I wanted her honest feedback on my story. I wanted her to tell me what I can do to improve. I wanted to learn from her as well as from other top writers.
Allow me to make a shout-out to Sally Prag for her kind gesture. Thank you.
If you had met me months ago, this wouldn’t be how I would handle the situation. I would probably delete my account and never write on Medium again. But I want things in my life to change. So, I’m going to start here.
I won’t mind not yet getting any recognition. I won’t mind the silence. I’ll keep on writing about topics I think may add value to readers and feel passionate about. Then along the way, I get down to the nitty-gritty of writing effectively.
I’ll try to summon as much courage as I can to go on and write anyway. I think I can start by keeping Nike in mind: Just do it. For intention without action is merely a wish. Well, I’m no longer content wishing. So, while I feel afraid, I’ll continue riding on this fear until I rein it in.
I really hope I’ll make it someday, though.
