Who Cares?

Learning to Manage how we Appear to Others

Photo: Mauro Mora from Unsplash

Sometimes, the solution to an old problem just falls into place, with little effort or purpose. A flash of insight changed my life during a usually-boring 15-minute walk to my work. This led to new techniques I’ve used for positive change.

This might mean something to you, too.

On a Spring morning in Almaty, Kazakhstan I hurried down the busy main street to start work. I realized suddenly that, in my rush, I’d put on one pink and one yellow sock. Since this mismatch made me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable, I decided to ponder my “mismatched sock” dilemma to answer the burning question:

Who cares?

What are the Odds?

As a nod to my math disability, I assumed that, during my walk, I would pass one thousand people.

1. Of that thousand, how many would notice and look at me? Let’s generously say 300.

2. Of that 300, how many would look toward my feet and be aware of my socks? Maybe 100.

3. Of that 100, how many would notice the difference in my socks? Okay, 75 (the color contrast was a little shocking!).

4. Of that 75, how many would care that my socks were a different color? Let’s say 40.

5. Of that 40, how many would let me know they cared about my sock colors? The actual number would probably be zero, but for the sake of the game, I assumed that four people would frown or somehow indicate they both noticed and cared.

6. Of those four, how many would be unhappy about the color difference? I assumed three.

7. Of those three, how many would I ever interact with again? A maximum of one.

8. With that one person, with my sock color play any significant role in any future interaction? No.

So, even assuming maximum impact, not one person during that walk with notice, care, show they care, interact in the future, or affect my life because of my sartorial sin. Not a good use of my life’s attention and energies.

This slightly silly yet productive use of these 15 minutes persuaded me to stop worrying about how strangers see me. Very simply, worrying about the opinions of strangers is a losing proposition.

Lessons

How we dress, communicate and behave reflects who we are and our values. We can dress very professionally because of how we see ourselves. In this case, acting out our identity is more important than anybody’s opinion.

There’s a difference between permanent and temporary strangers — those we are unlikely to ever interact with compared to those we don’t know but might in the future. For example, a clerk in a shop is a stranger now, but a relationship is possible.

We naturally stick to familiar behaviour patterns, even when we may like to transform some aspect of how we relate to others. This conservatism can block the changes we want to make.

I now feel more comfortable changing how I relate to family, colleagues and friends because I practice in small ways with strangers. After trying it out, I feel ready to interact with people whose relationship matters to me. This is a controllable way to deliberately change.

I’ll use “assertiveness” as an example.

Putting this to Use

When I’ve wanted to be more self-assertive and proactive, I act a little more that way in anonymous settings like grocery stores and restaurants. It felt at first like being over-assertive but they usually accept, ignore, or even respect it. That’s natural: they have no other experience with me to compare it with.

But for me, it’s like trying on a new skin to see how the change felt. If it feels fine, I slightly increase the level— not enough to become obnoxious or aggressive, but enough to expand my standard style. If I get a negative response, I use that as information to help adjust my change.

This technique lets us implement new aspects of our identity with maximum benefit and minimum stress.

A Helpful Variation

Taking this to the next step, I also sometimes arrange a small “practice interaction” with a trusted friend. In a variation of Role-Playing, we imagine a situation that lets us comfortably try out uncomfortable new behaviours.

Once, for example, a friend had just learned she would get a promotion and wanted to strengthen her “Leader” style. So, for half an hour, I played the role of her subordinate and she exaggerated her confidence and authority.

She enjoyed trying out behaviours she’d always wanted to do, but never quite had the guts to carry out in a real-world situation. My feedback helped her strengthen some aspects of her behaviour and pull back others. She told me that, once in the new position, leadership behaviours felt surprisingly natural.

I wanted to feel more comfortable during the confrontation. So, a couple of days later, we changed roles and scripted a disagreement “incident.” I increased my assertiveness and she responded fairly strongly. Then we talked about the experience. We both learned from the honest, objective feedback about new behaviours and how they appear to others. It’s easier to confidently use a new style that you’ve already tested and adapted.

So neutral and low—risk interactions with strangers or friends help us “rehearse” changes that we can then transfer in more serious situations. This increases personal growth and, with very little effort or discomfort, offers welcome benefits.

It also teaches us a lot about ourselves!