Why Selfishness Isn’t Always a Sin
Because very few other things make more sense than simply loving yourself
We are forever taught to not be selfish. In fact, selfishness is often touted around as nothing but a foul, immoral thing that deserves to be purged.
But the more I see, the more I understand, the more I realise just how damn painful altruism can be. So here is my question, when, if ever, is it okay to be selfish?
I am not too sure when and even why I started to ponder this but it has been buzzing inside my cortex like the annoying fly it is.
And I need to put my thoughts about this whole mess into words so here we are.
The Definition Of Selfish
Ah, selfishness, the timeless art of “not you, only me.” It’s like the toddler mantra of the human psyche.
There is more to selfishness than frothing-at-the-mouth narcissism. There is more than one reason to be selfish, and there is quite a big difference between being selfish and not-being-selfless.
Somewhere along our evolutionary journey, we’ve forgotten that being selfish was once crucial to survival. It wasn’t a matter of choice back then.
And therein lies the problem, because we aren’t our ancestors. And being selfish is less about survival, even if it may feel like that sometimes, and more about winning at the minor and major incremental aspects.
Selfishness today is more about getting ahead, moving forward, earning more, living more. It’s all about more and more and more. Look at it like that and being selfish feels like the most damning and regrettable trait to possess, and yet again, there is more to it.
To be selfish in a room filled with suspiciously selfless people is yea, yikes. But to be just another selfish dude in a giant stadium overflowing with other selfish dudes is just… it is just the norm.
We no longer live in a world that has us rat-fighting to survive. Rather we live in one that glorifies individual achievement and accumulation, and in that environment, selfishness becomes normalized.
In fact, selfishness becomes normalized not just because everyone is selfish, but because often there are just too many good reasons to be selfish.
It is a quality that is rewarded and almost encouraged, but it also becomes a painfully large red flag if not controlled and directed.
In a world where everyone’s got their eye on the prize, being selfish is like blending into the crowd. It’s like showing up to a rock concert and realizing you’re all wearing the same band t-shirt. Awkward, but somehow comforting.
And there are still other things to consider. See, if you are dining by yourself in a fancy restaurant, enjoying a steak with some wine, are you selfish?
It depends on whether you have family members with more pressing needs for that money, a distressed friend who asked you to call them on your lunch break, or a work colleague whose next tasks are dependent on you sending them something in a timely manner.
It is a tightrope. It is something to be balanced. I wish it were as simple as saying, ‘Don’t be selfish’ and quitting this train wreck of a thought experiment, but no, we need to think about being selfish in a much more nuanced way. That’s what I aim to provide.
How is it that selfishness seems to be a contradiction?
How is it that it is the primary accelerator of society in the sense that it is always the devilishly-selfish who succeed and ultimately bring about prosperity? But it is also the arch-evil that needs to be purged at any and every cost.
And is selfishness also self-love?
When we put ourselves first, we do it for one of two reasons.
We either do so to simply advance. To advance and push forward, and this is weirdly not that horrible simply because firstly, we’ve been doing so at some scale or not, since time eternal, but secondly because here who we push and thrash and kick downwards is simply irrelevant.
It is, as corny movie villains say, nothing personal.
And this excessively simple idea of progressing at the cost of others is so…everywhere that the fundamental concept of success have changed from ‘to achieve your goals’ to ‘to achieve your goals and become slightly or not-so-slightly morally compromised in the process’.
It is almost like an unfinished sentence when someone pats us on our metaphorical backs and goes ‘aah there you go, you won’. The ‘at some cost’ sometimes remains unspoken.
The second reason, the one that can be a smidge more stomach-churning is to push forward disregarding everyone else to do so while purposely sabotaging someone else.
And in this intricate dance between ambition and morality, selfishness often masquerades as self-love, or worse shapeshifts into it. Which in turn blurs the already faint seam between ambition and ruthlessness.
We are left to think whether the pursuit of one’s own interests inevitably entails trampling upon the aspirations and well-being of others, or if there exists a path to success that is both personally fulfilling and morally upright.
Self-love, selfishness, self-interest — these are all frustratingly loose concepts that change their meanings on the dime. But for discussions sake, lets assume that selfishness does always equate to self-love.
So what?
Sure, let’s focus on making the section about John Calvin’s theological framework more concise and better integrated into the overall discussion of selfishness and self-love. Here’s a revised version of that part:
“John Calvin, in his theological framework, views self-love as a fundamental aspect of human nature and I uhhh, agree. I don’t think anyone looks at that sentence and goes ‘I DISAGREE’. Anyways, so he argues that self-love is not inherently evil but rather a natural inclination that can be directed towards God or away from Him. Calvin emphasizes the importance of redirecting self-love towards God, recognizing that our love for ourselves is a reflection of our love for God. This redirection is crucial for achieving spiritual growth and salvation. I am, let’s just say, mixed on this. Yes, self-love is important in a way very few things ever are, since it’s mighty difficult to love anyone else if one does not adore themselves. But self-love also has a troubling habit of somersaulting straight into narcissism and self-indulgence.”
“John Calvin viewed self-love as a fundamental aspect of human nature, arguing that it is not inherently evil but can be directed towards positive ends. He believed that self-love, when aligned with higher purposes, contributes to spiritual growth. While I agree that self-love is essential for personal well-being, it can easily tip into narcissism and self-indulgence if not kept in check.”
Now, let’s smoothly integrate this into the broader discussion of selfishness and self-love:
The Thin Line Between Self-Love and Selfishness
Self-love is essential for personal well-being, forming the basis for how we care for others. John Calvin viewed self-love as a fundamental aspect of human nature, arguing that it is not inherently evil but can be directed towards positive ends, contributing to spiritual growth. However, unchecked self-love can quickly tip into narcissism and self-indulgence, blurring the lines between healthy self-care and destructive selfishness.
Balancing self-care with empathy for others is key. While selfishness can drive individual achievement, it also poses ethical dilemmas
Here’s the integrated and concise version of your essay section:
The Thin Line Between Self-Love and Selfishness
Self-love is essential for personal well-being and forms the basis for how we care for others.
John Calvin viewed self-love as a fundamental aspect of human nature, arguing that it is not inherently evil but can be directed towards positive ends, contributing to spiritual growth.
However, unchecked self-love will tip into narcissism and self-indulgence, erasing the forever faint lines between healthy self-care and destructive selfishness. So while selfishness can drive individual achievement, it also poses ethical dilemmas when it leads to moral compromises.
But then again, why is that so bad? Why not be selfish, why not be self-loved?
To be alive and to thrive is to be self-motivated. Survival, in its rawest form, hinges on our ability to prioritize our own needs over others. It’s an instinct that has been finely tuned through millennia of evolution, ensuring that our species endures.
But we again run smack into the same problem. That survival today, and survival a century ago, let alone multiple centuries, is very different. Most everyone reading this will not have to fight or duel anyone to survive. And still, we do, in some ways, fight.
Survival in the modern world hinges on how well a person navigates the cat’s cradle of personal beliefs, personal ambitions and you-need-to-do-this-to-be-a-functioning-part-of-society responsibilities.
And hence as complicated all of this becomes, as thriving becomes less of a straight line and more of a drunk squiggle, selfishness becomes all the more critical.
So I ask this, will selfishness forever be a part of living well?
I think, in most ways — yes, in some — no.
Because of course, and I am repeating myself, there is a difference between being selfish to propel oneself forward and being selfish to activity sabotage. But where does one draw the line? When does being self- interested morph into simple self-indulgence?
When does well-intended self-love turn machiavellian (always love this word)?
Listen, as the word count goes up, so does my feeling of ickiness. There’s something about this topic that seems to excuse and justify our selfishness rather than critically examining the concept.
Case in point- this subtopic!
Nothing gives off ‘I am really fighting to self-justify’ vibes than the words “healthy selfishness”, but I promise that there is a point I am trying my hardest to make.
Alright, the last 1400 words has been my best attempt to explain this wild, wild dilemma of selfishness. I think I have done a half-decent job at illustrating how it’s functioning impossible to not be selfish in the slightly skewed world we live in.
But there are ways to, as they, tame the beast. To subtly and deftly balance upon the line without crossing over. To maintain some semblance of being a halfway decent person not only when you have to but also when you don’t.
I think that with some self-deception, some self-reflection, and a bit of self-indulgence, it is very much possible to still be your selfish self, but healthily.
Okay now with all the foreplay out of the way — ONWARD!!!
One of the better ways to be selfish is to simply say — ‘no’. See there are two types of busy bees in the world.
There are the ones who choose to be so, who choose to somehow accomplish 567 things in 24 hours and depend on their to-do list apps and their Google calendar harder than a pubescent depends on his magazines.
And then there are the ones who somehow got swept up. Who woke up with a clear head and a clear list of things to do and yet got strong armed, pressured or hell, simply convinced to do more.
So yes, saying no to that one co-worker who always seems to Batman out whenever the going gets busy might be selfish, but it is also something all of us who slots in category 2 need to learn to do.
1 hour is what I give myself every day to just…be.
This is different from YouTube time, different from video-game or Netflix time. This is time for just, me.
This 1 hour is when I just think. To let my mind run off to the deep end. This 1 hour is also when I come up with essay topics. Relaxation rituals are important to not just help you relax but to also flush out all of those lingering feelings of existential dread and apathy.
Is it selfish? Hell, I don’t know. This me-time thing can sometimes end up feeling and being selfish. Maybe you finally take a long-overdue, long lunch break to unwind, but hey ultimately it is good for you.
It can also end up being good for your employment because a relaxed mind is less likely to go supernova over yet another minor inconvenience at work than a tired one.
There are plenty more ways and plenty more times when it’s okay to be selfish. But there is a common thread. A singular similarity connecting them all. And it’s one, often-painful, chafing word.
RESPONSIBILITIES
It seems like to be healthily-selfish is to purposefully shirk your responsibilities. Everything from having self-respect to self-care to setting boundaries brings with it the common element of irresponsibility.
And yet again, what is being irresponsible. You can argue that everyone in a healthy society is expected to be altruistic. After all, if a colleague at work is struggling, it falls on everyone else not struggling to help them out.
This, ALL of this is giving me a headache. All these ideas and beliefs are so frustratingly nebulous.
So, to finally answer the question- How To Balance Upon The Tightrope of Selfishness?
You do it, by trying to balance it all. See, there are two main ways to, dear God how do I even put this in words, but two ways to ummmmmm — okay, two ways to spread love.
Yea :) That’s what I meant. You, my most-loved, weirdly-dedicated-to-read-2000-words-of-my-word-vomit reader, have but a handful of love of spend. You can either give it away and flutter it to everyone else. You can shower you friends, your family and every John Doe with attention and unadulterated adoration, and very much lose yourself in that. Or you can spend it all on your own lovely self.
In a sense, spreading love to everyone often comes at the cost of your own happiness, and your own peace. And that’s categorically why this is such a hard thing to do. Because we need to find a way to be that people-loving self without losing ourselves.
Altruism, self-care, self-love, selfishness — these are all concepts that are connected. Because excessive, obsessive, pathological altruism is self-sabotage. Because what may seem selfish can be self-care. There is no one true answer.
But we try and we try.
Originally published at https://thehumaning.substack.com.
