Why You Should Stop Obsessing Over Self-Improvement Right Now
How this mindset has determined my twenties and why I stopped myself from engaging with it further.
One inspirational quote here, one Instagram model there, self-help gurus in YouTube ads, and the next video on how I can achieve anything with manifestation. Sound familiar?
Don’t get me wrong, it is important to get better at what you do, but there is a fine line we as a society cross too often these days. My generation, generation Y, has mastered self-improvement by trying to outdo one another. I used to live like that, especially on the educational and professional side of things. But then, in 2020 I realized that I am enough and I don’t need to set goals for every part of my life.
Maybe you will find this article entertaining or thought-provoking. Maybe you even had the same realizations I recently had. Either way, at the end there are a few tips and also a few questions you should ask yourself.
Why this is happening
I grew up with a belief system that claimed everything is possible and that we have to outperform our parents’ generation at all costs — just because we can. If it’s really easier nowadays (high home prices, cost of education, cost of living, etc.) is another question.
We have numerous tools and we have the internet, which our parents didn’t have growing up. We have everything we need to know to be the best version of ourselves at our fingertips.
Social media do their part to level up the pressure. 30 under 30 lists and TED Talks that are mastered to the maximum do the rest. Do you feel the pressure yet, just by thinking about it? That was me as well.
We are bombarded with images of seemingly perfect lives, where self-proclaimed gurus show you that everything is possible if you just put in the work and do not forget to manifest it.
And of course, you should not forget to have hobbies and friends. Plus, as a woman, you should have children at some point and a thriving career at the end of your twenties.
All this should be possible just if you set the right goals for yourself and work towards them every day.
Except, that’s not how life really works.
Still, there are some areas of your life you can improve
Don’t take this the wrong way. I like improving myself as well. But I still want to highlight the toxicity in each of these areas.
Career
We are having a constant battle with ourselves to be better at our job or at school and uni. In a society where technology changes literally in the blink of an eye, we have to get better every day to keep up with our peers. This can feel draining and exhausting, especially if you work in a very competitive environment — oh, hello consulting industry! Maybe I will get into depth about that as well at some point.
Fitness
The fitness and health industry does not like mediocre, good is not perfect and what we seek is perfection, isn’t it? But perfection doesn’t exist. It’s just not feasible to have a zero-percent body fat lifestyle, a full-time job, low blood pressure, a family, and still be happy. I guess only a few of us can reach that level and stay there without having to sacrifice our mental health, which explains my next point.
Mental health
This topic has become really important in our society and I am glad that more and more people are trying to check in with their mental health. However, I also think that, to a certain degree, this need for mental health checks also stems from the two points above. I sometimes talk with my mom about the past. Sometimes she says a little annoyed: “We had stress when we were young. If we would have worried about everything like your generation nowadays we would have serious depression.” And I guess there is a little truth to that. Nonetheless, the stress we face today is different. It’s just not comparable to pre-social media and is stamped by technological innovations.
Relationship
Relationships are hard and complicated. But with dating apps and the internet, meeting someone has become easier. Still, being easy doesn’t always mean less stress.
The need for betterment and improvement plays a role here as well. When I can endlessly swipe endlessly and see something new I can’t really focus on one person and actually get to know them. What if there is someone who fits even better? I should swipe a little more, maybe I could do better. This mindset stems from the constant need to improve everything — even deciding who is your significant other. Our parents’ generation didn’t have to deal with this kind of stress. They met in school, through friends, in bars, etc. Perhaps, at times they thought that they could meet someone “better”. Still, they were content with the people around them and got to know them without thinking constantly that there would be someone better for them.
Where does this constant need for self-improvement come from?
First, from the pressure on social media, where we get bombarded by feeds with perfect lives, perfect bodies, perfect careers. And they did it all at once. Setting goals and waking up at 5 am every morning to work out.
Second, from the culture, we grew up in. Everyone needs to have the latest iPhone model and repairing older stuff is frowned upon and not cool. It’s all about constant novelty, including with yourself. You need something new, something else to work on.
Third, there is pressure to get better within friend groups, family and work environments. I am sure most of you got questions about when you’re finishing your studies, when you will get that promotion or when you finally get that significant other. All that puts another layer of pressure on us.
What happened to the philosophy of just living for the sake of it? Aren’t we supposed to enjoy the moment? Don’t get me wrong, you should plan and you should care about your future. But should you care that much that you have to improve, structure and perfect every single part of your life? I doubt it.
Why I stopped
I never felt pressure at home, and in retrospect, it was a blessing. After my brother, I was the first in my family to graduate from university. Under that aspect, I never felt any pressure to outperform anyone.
But still, I set myself a goal, which was going to university and actually making it. So I did. But what I didn’t realize was, that while I was running towards my goals, I forgot to enjoy the moment. My twenties mostly consisted of redefining, setting, and achieving my goals, achieving goals, setting goals.
It hit me in 2020 when everything was closed and I found myself in an environment where I was measured against my peers, and where performance was the main success factor.
I stopped my perfectionist mindset and started to just live, even if that meant that I won’t succeed in that kind of environment. Now, in 2021, after a career change, I finally feel at peace with my decision.
A few tips and questions you should ask yourself
- Does my life always have to go my way and how do I plan it? No, life is unpredictable. Planning everything is unrealistic.
- Am I investing my energy in the things that are really important to me, or am I just running towards something because society says so?
- It’s okay to say ‘no’ and not do it all. Pick your battles wisely and don’t accept everything.
- Your fear of failure holds you back. It’s alright if you are not perfect at something. Life won’t always be easy and it’s important to learn from your mistakes. But don’t hold on to them. Not everybody has the same skillset. Try to lighten up the weight certain things have in your life, mistakes included. If you hold on to failure, it will hold you back in return. Let it go.
- Stop trying to ‘find yourself’ because you never will. You are human and humans evolve. Thank god we do!
- And most importantly, appreciate what you achieved and what you have. We are so conditioned to always become a better version of ourselves, that we forget to live.
If you need further inspiration I would recommend the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, which inspired me in part for that article.
