Will I Be Alone Forever? A Message from My Father

“Son, there is nothing wrong with being alone. Take pride in this moment. Years from now you’ll realize this life you’re leading doesn’t last forever.”

Moonlight reflecting on lake landscape by vecteezy.com

“So, walk around naked, drink milk from the carton, wear dirty clothes, swear obscenities, draw on the walls and bathroom stalls, and be who you are, not who you think other people will like.

Take satisfaction in these accomplishments. They’re yours to own.

One day, that perfect individual will find you and fall in love. When they entice you out of shadows and wrestle you to the ground, suffering bites and scratches as they work to fit you into their mold.

They’ll make you come to dinner on time, tell you to drink milk from a glass, wear clothes, and shower daily. Teach you to say “please” and “thank you” until the wheel turns, and the days and nights pass.

You’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms with the windows open and the stars burning down from the cold heavens. You’ll feel the warmth of your lover against you; the heartbeat in their chest. They trust you, because they think they know who you are. But they don’t, though, they don’t really.

Who you were, who you always will be.

Because you recall what it was like to be wild, to be free, to be an animal who wore dirty clothes, screamed obscenities, and laughed in the faces of those who locked up their emotions. All before you were wooed from the darkness, fed well and forgot those things.

Before you bought a house, painted those walls and stopped scrawling secret messages in bathroom stalls.

You used to live in a world that was far larger than a fenced-in suburban yard. Residing in a town you’d never considered living in before until you suddenly did.

Now that new mandarin orange paint job on the walls can’t hide the fact that those walls are now your prison. You’ll get up in the middle of the night with thirst and you stumble to the kitchen and catch yourself actually pouring your milk into a glass.

You suddenly wonder where it all went wrong. How could this happen. How could you let this happen?

You’ll wonder why you ever want something like this instead of those magical nights spent howling your heart out into the darkness. You look out into the night, gazing onto your carefully trimmed yard, only to see the shadows scattered by the yellow streetlights beyond.

You drink deeply, replace the cap back on the plastic family-friendly jug and return upstairs to your true love’s bedchamber. In the dim basement of your mind, a haunting thought spreads its wings before you slip into a dark dreamless sleep.

You realize you finally got exactly what you wanted and what you deserved and it’s too late to undo it or give it back.

Who says being alone forever is a bad thing?

There is nothing wrong with being alone. Take pride in this moment. Years from now you’ll realize this life you’re leading doesn’t last forever.”

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