You Are Not an Introvert. You Are Just Insecure.
What I learned from being an insecure little shit, and how I changed that.
People often define introverts as those quiet, potentially creepy dudes lurking in the corner, avoiding eye contact as if they were waltzing with Medusa. And then there are the extroverts. Loud, overbearing social butterflies who recharge their batteries with mundane conversations about the stock market or Aunt Marge’s third divorce. As obvious an oversimplification as this is, there is a kernel of truth in how human beings broadstroke each other into categories that are easier to process. We end up putting a square peg in a round hole and then pat ourselves on the back on a job well done.
This is neither good nor bad. But having a superficial understanding of a category we put ourselves and others in leads to a superficial perspective of the world and ultimately a superficial life lived. I don’t mean this in a material or a hedonistic sense. There are more ways than one to live a shallow life.
Are you an introvert?
The word introvert comes from the Latin word introvertere.
Intro stands for — ‘to the inside’, and vertere means — ‘to turn’.
Some definitions say an introvert is — a shy and reserved person — but that is a misconception.
Introversion is energy directed inward in a natural state of being, whereas extroversion is energy directed outward in a natural state. “Natural state” is the operative phrase here, because it emphasises that either as an introvert or an extrovert, you are comfortable in that state of being. Introversion is not something you resort to as a reaction to external stimuli.
“There is no such thing as a pure introvert or extrovert. Such a person would be in the lunatic asylum.”
― C.G. Jung
Ask yourself this question — as an introvert, can you sit in a crowd and not feel socially anxious? Because if you can sit comfortably in silence and speak only when you feel like it, you’re most likely introverted. If, on the other hand, you want to say something but fear that you may be judged, your silence most likely stems from some insecurity.
How do I know this? Because I thought I was an introvert, but I was just insecure.
When an Introvert becomes extroverted
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had social anxiety. It was not crippling, but it was annoying. I don’t know if it was naturally part of my personality or if events from my childhood shaped me that way. Most likely, like all things in life, it’s a combination of the two.
When I hung out with people, and I wanted to say something, I would hold back. It was not the case always, but it was the majority of the time. The better I knew someone, the easier it became for me to open my mouth and make sounds that were more than just “hi” or “hello”.
But there was a fundamental problem here. I would intentionally avoid contact with others and cling to my homies. I didn’t know then, but I realised I was ignoring people who would later become my dearest friends simply because they were strangers to me.
Eventually, I discovered alcohol. That’s when I realised I could have a good time even with people I barely knew. The downside was that when sobriety kicked in the following morning, so did the social anxiety. So, I continued to drink to be “cool”. Of course, eventually, I realised that treating my liver the way Mike Tyson does a punching bag wasn’t a long-term solution.
Having gone through a process of self-discovery over the years since my heavy drinking days, which is a story for another time, I began seeing the difference between when I’m comfortably resting in silence, even in the middle of a rager, and the moments when I’m shy and awkward because I want the people around me to like me.
As a result, I have paradoxically become what most people would call extroverted, even without the “golden elixir”. Though I naturally prefer my own company and thoughts, I’ve noticed that when I’m with others, I’m curious about them. Conversations flow instead of feeling forced. I have essentially become, with strangers who I am like with my closest friends. This is important because, after all, I am the common denominator here.
My theory is that in the state of natural confidence that you feel as you shed insecurities, accept, and even appreciate your quirks, you feel a sense of freedom and joy to share your inner world with the outer world. Others’ judgement doesn’t bother you. In fact, you stop perceiving judgements as judgements.
What’s the secret sauce?
The secret to getting rid of insecurity is to be with others, the person you are when you are alone.
It is when you are alone that you are usually yourself. Being yourself means going against the grain. The reason people go with the grain in the first place is so they feel safe. They feel protected by the featurelessness of their adopted character.
Only if you stand out like a lightning rod can you catch lightning.
However, when you choose to be yourself, you are choosing courage. Courage for the reward of joy. Joy and tranquillity. But there is also a price you pay for being who you are. You lose the safety of being just another mask in a sea of faceless masks. You now attract the insecurities of those who repress themselves and the wrath of those who disagree with who you are. The priest cannot stand the harlot as much as the free cannot stand the uptight.
Whoever you are at the core of your being will rub certain people the wrong way, and you will have to face the stones being thrown at you by the mob who deem you either a witch or warlock. And so you will have wounds on you, not literal wounds, hopefully not, but those on the soul. But the truth is that all wounds eventually scab, scar and heal. And these scars on you are Kintsugi manifested.
This Japanese art involves lining broken things with gold lacquer, creating beautiful, intricate textures. Like Kintsugi, your character gets carved by the scars that line it. Tough and battle-tested. But these lines of experience etched on your psyche exist only because of the reproach of the many who scorn you. And scorn is earned by having the courage to be yourself. Courage despite the shame, courage despite the pain.
Remember, no pain is greater than knowing that you have lived a life that was never yours to live.
“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”
— Ichiro Kishimi, The Courage to be Disliked
So, ask yourself —
Are you introverted or insecure? There is no shame in discovering that you’re insecure. In fact, the shame that prevents you from admitting that you’re insecure is the proof of insecurity. The truth is that everyone is insecure about something. So, it’s okay.
Once you’ve identified that you’re insecure, ask yourself next — how would it be if I could share my true self with the world? Remember moments when you are with your friends and feel free and open. What if you can take that feeling and make it last?
We constantly chase that feeling through distractions, drugs and labels we cling to make ourselves feel better. But what if we don’t have to chase that feeling because it’s already inside us? That is what it is like to accept our insecurities and shed them.
And you will shed them when you truly see them because darkness cannot exist in the presence of light.
How can I truly see my insecurities?
It happens in two steps. First, like finding anything that’s hidden, you look for it. And second, you get good at looking for it through practice.
Be present every day, in each moment. And ask yourself right before you make a choice, take an action or have a nagging thought eating at you — why am I choosing this? What is driving me to do this? How does it make me feel when I think this?
You will soon hit an Eureka moment. You will know it because you will feel it in your bones. You may even have goosebumps. Take a moment to celebrate and notice how this simple truth has affected you your entire life. And once you’ve made your pitstop, keep going. I believe that there is no end to the depth of understanding yourself. You are like the infinity of the universe — boundless beyond imagination.
And once you keep going, you become more conscious of your thoughts and actions, and as you become more conscious, you become more present in the moment. Before you know it, you can be yourself because there isn’t enough mental bandwidth to wonder what someone else is thinking about you. Because now, you know you. And suddenly, you’ve shed a layer of insecurity.
What I have outlined here isn’t the only way to get to know yourself. But that’s how I did it. My journey is simply a sense of direction, and you must walk your own path. It is more an instinctual process than an intellectual one, and if you feel lost, good. Like Magellan, you are the first to traverse the circumference of your psyche. It is necessary to feel lost to discover something you never knew existed.
And don’t fear that it may not happen for you. That fear is another way the insecurity gets you. You fear because you believe you’re not good enough to make it. But believing you’re not good enough is another example of insecurity manifesting. In fact, the things that cause fear are the best clues to discovering insecurities. And once you find the fear, you can pull it out like a weed.
That’s how you get there. And remember, “there” isn’t a place to reach or a summit to climb, but the process of being. Like your life, which is you being in every moment, it isn’t waiting to happen. It is happening. And then you will realise that you are already there. You just didn’t know it.
All you had to do was relax into it.
