Police Union Boss: “It is a sign of a broken judicial system when we are held accountable for crimes that we commit.”
Good Evening, Press, Public, Whiny Liberal Crybabies, and to whomever else it may concern! Stop treating us like animals and thugs! Honestly, over the past several weeks, it has been a complete dishonor and royal pain in the ass to be standing here in front of the public having to feign interest in the notion of “accountability.” I believe the Afro-American community calls this “respectability politics” or something, but the Minneapolis police department calls this “over our dead fucking bodies” politics.
Yet here we are today having to again “apologize” about our non apology to the public. Here we are again today having to be held to the bare minimum metrics of accountability. Since our last outburst several weeks ago, many have wondered what would happen to the tethered fabric of society as a whole without cops in place to over police, harass, and mame black bodies. But most haven’t considered how cops themselves would fare in the real world in jobs where accountability is kind of a thing. I mean, were not a group of people known for responding well to feedback, and we don’t really envision ourselves piercing the corporate veil anytime soon, so what is it exactly you suggest my men — and exactly four women — do with our professional lives if our funding becomes limited and/or completely depleted?
Some have suggested that former police officers could thrive in a profitable niche subcategory on Only Fans.com. This category would fetishize a world where the empathetic backbone of community policing is what would be that thing to summon an orgasm for prospective buyers instead of the brutal murders, complete disregard, and mistreatment of unarmed black people that currently seems to be doing the trick for our target demographic. However, according to incredibly earmarked Section 18.2–365 through intentional dogwhistle to racists Section 18.2–437.6 of your local state law’s views on sex work, most jurisdictions tend to only decriminalize sex work, or labor of a similar nature, if the majority of the labor’s candidates are explicitly NOT economically disenfranchised women of color. And while most of our police officers are not women of color, the thought of doing something to help them in any way shape or form would send most of our officers in a tailspin that would likely cause a stroke.
Some have suggested that the police would be a natural fit to work as the white woman educator in the defunded, gerrymandered school districts across America. The only issue being is if the U.S. Government Accountability Office were to take a look at a former police officer’s daily lesson plans, they’d find a troubling amount of Batman & Robin references in history classes pop quizzes. They’d also find that black students with disabilities, black boys, and black students as a whole were being disproportionately disciplined with suspensions and expulsions. But the good ole’ Accountability office would probably only do something about the Batman & Robin problem.
Some have suggested that many in law enforcement have the potential to audition for the lead role in Hamilton amidst it’s currently rescheduled touring schedule. With that said, the only song most police officers know how to sing in key is the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song. And our friends in Minneapolis have sure put that tune it’s grave with an illegal carotid chokehold to its future residual earnings.
Some have suggested that police officers apply for a team member position at Ben & Jerry’s as it seems the venerated Ice Cream manufacturer has proven itself more resourceful and inspiring than most of our elected officials. At this point, it seems that it is in most police officers best interest to sign the Ben & Jerry offer and savor in the scoops of the “Defund the Police” Ice Cream flavor that is currently selling out.
*This is a satirical article. This is satire that’s not meant to be taken seriously. It’s supposed to make you laugh.
