Welcome to Friendistan, also known as Hades.

Disclaimer: As with any true work of genius, this piece is disjointed; whether or not it is satire is deliberately obscured by the brilliant truths concealed as observations within. It is heavily reliant on an understanding of economics only the author and other men’s rights activists can access via a special VPN. You will never know if this is real, but you should remember that art is dead. You have been disclaimed.

This photo is of me interviewing the representative of All Children of Africa (ACA) about increasing fertility rates. He took forever to respond to my questions because he doesn’t speak English and I didn’t actually ask him anything.

Close your eyes and read this list to yourself:

The Bermuda Triangle. The forests of Uganda. Atlantis. Ulan Bator. The Friend Zone.

What do these places have in common?

For one, they’re all made up. More importantly — they have all had a detrimental impact on society.

Confused about the Friend Zone being on the list? Then you’re an idiot. Let me explain why, then call you some other names, idiot.

What is the Friend Zone, you ask? Is it a space invented by feminists to prohibit men from exorcising their bio-hazard demon seed and causing them to combust spontaneously? Is it in line at Chik-fil-a? Is it brunch?

I’ll say it plainly because, like other things ruining America, there’s a chance you’re an undocumented immigrant who doesn’t read English good. It is all of those things and possibly, like you, it is decreasing our tax revenue.

We were warned. The Signs pointed to our imminent destruction once we communally peaked in a celibate coma: 2017.

An illustration of scientific economic thought in action.

An excerpt from the journal (that is the Man word for diary) of a Prophet from Long Ago (probably)

“Here is the Harsh Truth, Woman. You bring Men discomfort. Men will not undergo discomfort for anything other than a return worthy of suffering through the torture of spending time with you.

I’m not sorry to inform you that frankly, you Women are actually just bad friends. You do not like what men like, so you’re automatically second fiddle. You don’t even like fiddles. That is a fact.

You also consistently mythologize that friendship is based on mutual support or enjoyment of one another’s company.

That is as stupid as your interests are. Friendship is based on shared interests. No Woman truly shares the interests of a Man, and we cannot reconcile this reality any longer as the stakes increase in length and splinter size.

It is simple economics, just like everything, including healthcare and environmental degradation. Women possess a resource — a specific type of cavity. Men crave this resource and are willing to exchange labor — both emotional and physical — to gain access to this resource. They do so despite no promise of return on their investment.

Before I detail the lengths men will go to gain access to this resource, I must remind Women they need not fear lacking Value in their entirety, outside of serving as vessels for a precious cavity. One day, a Hans will come forward and write an ode to your virtues. He shall spake “Just because men don’t want to be your friend, however, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company. They most certainly do. They love discovering how you see the world, what you think about life, the universe, and everything. They love your kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, support, and your nurturing heart. They love being in your presence when you display the wonders of the feminine virtues.”

This will ring true for all women who are kind, thoughtful, sensitive, supportive, and nurturing. A Woman need not fear — lest she be short, either temperamentally, physically; lest she be unkind to all save those inhabiting the inner circle of her Friend Zone; and lest she lack virtue in any way dictated by the Wise Men of the time, who shall probably bear beards and behave much like bearded bears. Any Woman who extends to a Man the acceptance of his interest in her vesselage shall be admired. It is those who will banish Men to the cold recesses of their Friend Zone who will taste the ire rising up to spite of their hypocrisy.

It is Simply Uncouth that a Woman’s lack of consideration for the undesired labor of Men’s deceitful and dishonest pursuit of a Woman’s cavity is treasured by Society, and Women are lionized for their complicity in the subjugation of those who labor tirelessly — for free, no less. Far be it for me to compare this to slavery. By saying that, I am comparing this to slavery. But like, emotional slavery. Emotional economic slavery of Men foolishly convinced of a mutuality in agreeing upon Value of their unsolicited efforts. It is critical these Men be rewarded for a myriad of Good Reasons; chief among them that they simply either do not Know Better or are actually Really Nice Guys.

Moreover, their motivation is pure. Procreation is the ultimate function of a human being. Once Women accept this reality, the fog obscuring Society’s progress shall clear. Despite years of effort to come, you, Woman, cannot avoid the Procreation Imperative no matter how much you invest in education or enriching your life in other ways because of overpopulation, disinterest, or the lack of a Functioning Uterus (FU).

A portrait of the Prophet from memory ☝🏽

This brings me to Harshest Truth. One day we must forcibly reinvigorate the Procreation Imperative, the foundation of any functioning Society. This is the only method through which we will save our country from one day joining the list of perished Paradises.

Well Cracker Jack my peanuts and call me an old bald game.

America’s birth rate has tanked faster than a tank in any of the countries we conducted war operations in during the late 20th century, or in an ocean. This prophet’s Moleskine proclaimed we would face such a crisis, and the government should have been prepared.

*Though I must add the caveat that as with any issue, I criticize all evidence equally to project an impression of intellectual competence. So I can easily say that at least 1/3 of what that prophet said sounds like baloney. Not sure which 1/3 but somewhere around that 33%.

Instead of procreating, I have spent years studying centuries of chess and the Chinese version on game boxes with the star thing. Centuries! So I know a thing or two about social strategy. How do we solve the problem of unmarried singletons fucking up our demographics? How do we halt the resistance of women to the wiles of wolves in friend’s clothing? Easy. We destroy the Friend Zone.

The Friend Zone is probably somewhere in either Iraq or Yemen, and it needs to go.

It might also be in Afghanistan. We’re not sure. But we need to obliterate it, and as such, we will continue to send some of our finest Americans overseas, away from friends, family, and the eligible dating pool — where they won’t be corrupted as we undertake the home front battle to retake America’s soul-void after also kicking out all the friendless baby-having immigrants.

It is critical that we, as Americans, do everything we can to return to our former glory. To go back to a time when we were able to say that we do not have the same problems as Japan.

Further, we cannot burden the permanently unborn with immense tasks such as existentially invalidating our way of life — especially for those in poverty. The poor have enough issues to deal with that haunting them with their inability to make the massive capital investment required to raise a child in America with an actual ectoplasmic golem of the child never produced from a sexually untapped friendship seems somewhat distasteful. Instead, we should support the abolition of the oppressive Friend Zone — that which truly prohibits society from reaching its potential by maximizing taxpayer quantity — without regard for quality or mortality.

Perhaps I’m understating the danger here: if we do not destroy the invisible lid on the Tupperware of procreation, society will curdle — like milk. After all, in the words of the great Fink Ployd, “We are two lost proteins floating in a colloidal solution, one cosmic rotation after another.”

I am morally and socially obligated to add that if we women proteins don’t start perceiving our fellow man proteins as virulent and constantly aroused catalysts for the expansion of civilization, history will stare glare back at us as the source of its collapse. Sure, we will be dead. Perhaps all of the children we are currently not having will overwhelm robot overlords imprisoning our more fertile counterparts (I’m looking at you, Indonesia) by shouting nonexistence-muffled protests from the abstracted ether sea where they derive their power and where really good ideas such as this uncertainly satirical article come from.