A Journey Beyond Repair
When I first heard Anne-Chloe Destremau (a trainer of the Possibility Management Gameworld) in a Rage Club Spaceholder Training say something like: “We have discovered something new for men. As a man, find your way into a Liquid State beyond repair. And when you are there, stay there for about 4 years. Forget about being anything until you go through this.
I thought, “I have no idea what this means”, but something in me was shaken.
I decided to do 15 Emotional Healing Processes in 3 weeks to unfold the distinctions in my being that were emerging out of the space I was in and the article that was written about the distinction Beyond Repair.
Somehow, during this time pieces fell into place within me I could not see and put together in that way before. The article had the power to show me the patriarchy that was living inside of me undeniably.
I had to do something about it. I got serious about ending my commitment to patriarchal conditionings within myself. I started to read about patriarchy. What is it? Feminists have spoken about it for years, all I held towards that was annoyance and judgment. Now, when I read a feminist paper, I am amazed by the clarity with which women formulate what is not working in our current capitalistic-patriarchal culture. I even seem to be able to let more into my heart why some of these women so loudly hate men. I could let this hate through my defenses and see it is coming from a real place that experienced the abuse of an insane male-worshipping culture that is totally deluded about the consequences it has for all life on planet Earth.
I began holding space for a 3-month journey Beyond Repair for men because this topic was burning in my heart brightly. The 3 months ended 10 days ago. I find it hard to put this experience into words.
10 men, who mostly did not know each other jumped into some kind of fire pit where they were forged into a team. A team of men who hold their swords at each other’s throats to only let come through what is truly real and alive in their hearts. Men who dare to break down and cry in front of other men, men who risk their status, jobs, and positions in society to follow their hearts. Men who do the hard work of peeling themselves out of their survival shells. Men who look into how painfully they choose their unconscious underworld commitments and let the anger, sadness, and fear about it break the walls around them.
One of the participants shared at the end: ”Something has opened during these 3 months, that can not be closed or undone or pretend its not open.” That is how I felt for my own journey.
Men got to do their part in doing the work to exit the patriarchy. Even though it seems so unlikely that they support each other in that process because all the power men have in patriarchy comes to them through patriarchal ways of acting, thinking, and feeling. Exiting patriarchal conditioning takes away the fundament of who men think they are, the fundament of what men think they deserve, and the sense of any control over life and the people around them. The chance of getting what a “man” wants is slowly but firmly taken out of his hands. Doesn’t seem appealing, does it?
What becomes visible as I continue walking is, yes, I (the idea of myself) loses all of the above. But what I gain is manifold more valuable than all the things I considered as valuable before. I (as a man) get to be my “real” self. An alive, breathing, feeling, and loving being. The thing I had to give up very early on to fit into the world of men. Now, what I need to do is, to stay true to my realization of what I am in the unknown.
Even though I encountered my being, I keep having to face the many ways my old conditioned self wants to come back. It is an ongoing practice to stay beyond repair. My Gremlin (the alive shadow part of the human defense machine) comes in ever new shapes to take on the next new identity to devour all my progress in a self-infatuating attempt to be the “new real superior self”. Or it will come and lull me into sleep with sweet promises of my glory in doing “the work” so I can lean back and let myself go for a while. Just to wake up an hour, a day, or a week later, hating someone I love, and wondering how I got here again. It is not a pleasant journey to be on. For someone who doesn’t want to go all the way, it might even be better to not start at all. It is a painful, messy, dark path to walk, but the jewels that can be brought up from this journey through the underworld are more than worthwhile.
What stays with me the most from the 3 month training is how much I love the men I am walking the path side by side with. They will stay forever in my heart in their daring endeavors to live the life their hearts know as possible.
Much love!
Kian
