Extra — Ordinary Messy, Relating: A Beginning.
I have never had an intimate relationship with a man before… Ok once for 20 minutes in primary school — I could climb trees, he thought that was cool, he asked me to go out with him , I said yes, laughed for the rest of lunch time then said “I won’t go out with you any more”.
This time is different. Both him and I have experienced patterns of relating that are draining and leave little room for inspiration. I could say many things about what this is about, I could point to reasons. What it comes down to is that when he first walked into the kitchen, when I first met him, a tingle of joy spread through my body,
“Hello”
“Hello” he replied and nodded towards me in an almost bow,
Beneath my skin, things were already stirring. A slight heat, a gentle joy, a soft, “yes, there you are”.
He was here.
What I have discovered
To find him, I must stay close to what is. I am there when I am in my body with him and feel what I am feeling.
It means it is ok to be scared .. a lot. It means we sit and start speaking before knowing how it should go or look. It means He is so dedicated to making me into a Queen that bullshit slides off his sword. It means the first thing I see when I look at him is the King he is and it means I keep my heart open to that.
One night I woke in the night after a dream of having a volcano erupting and me swimming in deep water full of tree branches. I woke with a knot in my stomach. Fear gripping my stomach. I have NEVER related to a Man for this long to these levels of intimacy. I do not sleep in the same bed as him and I have not had sex with him. He does not force anything on me, he is committed to me, my evolution and my becoming.
Layers and Nonlinear ways of getting to know
He has seen me so scared I could not move, he has seen the depth of my sadness, he has danced with me, he has picked up a sword and handed it to me, he has let himself cry when I have raged at him. He has driven with me to wellington, he has eaten dinner with my parents, Met my sister, been questioned ruthless. All before he knew which school I went, how many partners I had, what my life was like 3 years ago.
He has packed his bags to leave once.
He has packed his bags to come with me once.
Being Exactly Where I Am
The process is slow and fast. The process of building the bones of a relating space. The form is rudimentary and the bones are good.
When I am in the present I am surprised to find how simple it is. Be with this now. This fear, this joy, this curiosity. This rage. I do not want his centre, he kindly hands me back mine. Here I ruthlessly practise owning what I want, creating what I want and going for what I want. Sometimes collaboration flows and sometimes it is a torrent. Sometimes the waters are ice cold and I can not feel anything.
The Everything morning vs The Nothing
I woke all full of ideas and questions — how does it go today? Dreams, fears and excitement bubbling in me. A thirst to know who he is today.
I want to tell him about my joy yesterday when he stood and looked at me and declared that I was not responsible for his sexual pleasure — he will handle that.
I had no idea how to be and feel all that and meet him. I walked out to where he was sleeping and gently asked him if he wanted to come for a swim. He smiled then immediately said no.
Oh. So, I went for a swim on my own.
I got back, ocean stirred and freshly buzzing with the aliveness of salt on my skin and wind in my breath.
“I would like to speak with you”. I said.
Assuming he would know exactly what that meant, assuming he knew that what I was actually saying was ‘I’m here with everything and I want to show it all to you.. my dreams, my ideas. Just everything’.
“Ok” he said and looked blankly at me, waiting.
Where do I start?
“How was your night?” The words seemed clunky and rehearsed, like they did not belong to me.
He told me about the mechanics of the bed.
The pressure in me was making it hard for me to sit still.
“What do you want to do now?” Again my words seemed pathetic, almost apologetic, where was I?
He looked at me blankly.
I went cold, I was shocked to hear myself saying “I think you should spend the night away tonight”.
What the heck! Where did that come from? Who is this woman facing this man right now? I am scared, I am cold with rage.
Somehow I had arrived at he conclusion that I could flow much better without him there.
“Ok” he said.
He went to pack his things, I felt scared, cold, alone in my wilderness. I don’t think that is what I meant.
Before he left, we made tea and sat together.
“I only want to feel you and know you in the morning” I was chipping away at finding the words closer to my experience, closer to the part of me I that wanted to be seen by him.
The conversation warmed. He told me how it is when he wakes in the morning — sort of empty. He told me how he waits until an urge rises, the he will do that.
Where my morning is full, alive from the start. His is slow and, well empty.
How does Everything met Nothing in the morning?
As a Woman raised in Patriarchy I am conditioned to DO everything. With a man’s presence in my life, an impulse to life is awoken in me. The fullness of life is brought into sharp perspective. Flavours dance on my tongue in a whole new way. I see objects that were once meaningless and lifeless come to life with possibilities. My innate connection to everything is awoken. Commonly, within a patriarchal culture my everything-ness is hardwired to thinking I have to DO everything. At its barest Women are everything. Every texture, every turn of phrase, every sliver of sunlight on a crest of ocean. Every timbre of the dawn chorus. Every spark of fire in the hearth.
I am building a relating space that calls me into my aliveness. I am singing a skeleton to life. One of the bones is to uncover old stories, wounds and survival mechanisms that are lifeless and constricting.I leave the dust encrusted tombs of “shoulds” handed down to me from the attic. Nostalgic relating heirlooms, do not belong here. Instead I choose ones that sing to me, that open up possibility a taste of a fresh spring morning.
Instead I choose you and the wizard you are, I uncover that part of me that knows that and is signing to that. Singing to you.
Freezing in Intimacy
He asked me: What do I do when you freeze? What is happening for you? Gently he listened as I broke it down, what was happening for me.
I am feeling and arriving there with you, all my bodies.
“Ahmm” he says, “and how do I know if I am just waiting and you are frozen or if something is happening”.
I reply “I will say it is working, just stay”.
Here is a man I create with. His presence in my world unlocks a deeper pull to evolve into myself.
I am thirsty for an intimacy with life.
Things To Try
Talk about Sex Space: One person starts speaking while the other just listens. Say everything that sex brings up. The other person then gets a chance to ask any questions.
Tell life Story from grandparents up until now with photos, the other listens and asks questions.
Hold Space for a work talk together on something that you both just really want to know more about.
“Spill The Beans” Space where none has to fix or do anything just listen and repeat back.
Playfight
Writing Together — Open a document, one person writes the title, both write at the same time into the document, dance together with words, create the thing!
Make wild Proposals.
