Self-Improvement
5 Things I’ll Never Do Again
Lessons From a Recovering People Pleaser
A few years ago, I realized I was more than nice, helpful and kind — I was a life-long people pleaser. I wrote an article recently on that uncomfortable discovery and included some questions you can ask yourself to see if you fall on that sliding scale. Becoming an adult can wage a war of attrition on your self-expression and when coupled with a proclivity to mistaking praise as value, things can get even dicier. Over the past few years I’ve navigated through the murky waters of prioritizing others’ needs over my own and seeking self-worth at the expense of my authenticity to reclaim my own deeply rooted identity.
As mentioned in the previous article, my slide into people-pleasing began at a young age. I was like the frog in the boiling pot of water — the temperature crept up year by year. Once I discovered how far off in left field I’d detoured from my sense of self-worth and freedom of expression, I began to tinker with doing what I wanted. With saying no when I didn’t want to do something. With listening to my own music when someone else got in the car, not worrying if they’d like it or not. I played around with fun colors, more stylish glasses, I forgot that I used to love wearing high heels. I signed up for classes. I made new friends. I played really girly pop music in the house I bought myself post-divorce laughing at how silly and fun it was. I was honest about things I didn’t believe in and why. I told friends the truths I hadn’t shared previously. I asked for space to think about an answer if I needed time to formulate it. I cancelled plans and declined dates instead of worrying about hurting other people’s feelings.
Through trial and error, I found 5 vital things that I will never do again. These practices have reshaped my perspective and paved the way for a more authentic and joyful existence. I’ve detailed these five behaviors and how I approach shifting out of them in hopes that you will find them useful too.
1. Sacrificing personal boundaries to please others
Boundaries are the invisible lines that safeguard our emotional and mental health. As a people pleaser, I often disregarded these boundaries in fear of disappointing others. I would then find myself drained, overwhelmed and resentful. It often seemed selfish to prioritize my needs. Some of my initial efforts to establish boundaries with others were met with intense resistance and in some cases, mockery! That raised a big red flag about my lack of boundaries and in a way, my own self-respect.
Set and enforce healthy boundaries. Establish clear boundaries to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Learn to say no when necessary and prioritize activities that feed your needs and goals. You teach other people via daily interaction how you expect to be treated. If you don’t respect your time, goals and yourself, other people may assume they don’t need to either.
2. Overcommitting in all areas of life, resulting in burnout
In the pursuit of pleasing others, I often neglected my own well-being — physically, mentally, and emotionally. I prioritized the needs of others at the expense of my own health and happiness, leading to burnout and exhaustion. It’s not my job to always be the first to help, to take on more tasks at work, to monitor or soothe other’s moods and more. Taking on too many tasks is a quick way to wind up doing nothing well, while resenting others at the same time.
Embrace self-care as a non-negotiable priority. Remind yourself it’s not selfish to prioritize self-care, and it’s essential to nourish your mind, body, and soul to thrive authentically. We can’t always do everything we want — learn it is okay to say, “I would love to do X, Y and Z, but right now my priority is A.” Remember that it’s better to do three things well than ten things poorly.
3. Losing track of my voice — my opinions, likes/dislikes and preferences
Over time I found myself forgetting what music, movies and clothing style I liked. Without noticing it I slipped into mainstream, shunning brighter colors for easy to match monochrome tones for work. I stopped finding new music and trying on new aspects of my personality that might meet criticism or negative feedback. I went along with dates and plans and strategies at work that didn’t serve me or my values — it caused quite a bit of discomfort but at such a slow pace I didn’t notice that practice was eroding my ability to hear my inner voice.
Prioritize authenticity: Embrace your true self and honor uniqueness. Allow yourself to evolve over time and reacquaint yourself with what inspires you — maybe you find out you really do love country music or neon orange or a certain fashion style. Maybe wearing funny shirts makes you laugh every day and you don’t need to worry about acting serious all day long. Perhaps you’d like to dress up more often but are concerned that friends will think you’re too bougie. What would it look like if you made less money but your career served your values daily? Release the need to conform to others’ expectations or seek external validation. Authenticity brings confidence and genuine connections with others.
4. Prioritizing other peoples needs and wants over mine
There’s a balance between being a compassionate person and self-sacrificing for the sake of others. Our society historically glorifies putting others ahead of you as noble and kind, yet, when taken to an extreme it erodes self-worth and well-being. After decades of often putting others first, I realized I wasn’t quite sure what I needed. I had adopted the mantle of hyper-independence to compensate for this lack — I don’t need anything, I’m fine, here you take the resource/time/love/energy.
Embrace having needs and learn to communicate them. Establish what your needs and wants are — I like to start this exercise by making a list that says, “I deserve…” and, “I’d like…”. It almost sounded awkward for me to say those sentences aloud. I noticed I had a very long list of things I didn’t need — but not the converse. My list has things on it like:
I deserve space in relationships for my emotions too
I deserve to be deeply loved and supported
I’d like my career to be in line with my values — I’m more interested in working with others than hitting a bottom line target
I’d like to feel emotionally safe with my friends — I can share things that I may deem shameful or embarrassing and find room to grow
Practice by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries in a clear manner. Learn to advocate for yourself without fear of rejection or conflict. Remember that your needs are valid and worthy of acknowledgment.
5. Allowing guilt to dictate decisions in an effort to keep the peace
The desire for harmony often led me to silence my intuition, ignoring red flags and dismissing gut feelings in favor of maintaining peace. Suppressing intuition only prolonged inevitable conflicts and hindered personal growth. Embracing my intuition as a guiding compass has been illuminating — it’s crucial for me to trust my instincts and honor my truth.
Create a objective checklist for uncomfortable situations and use it as a guide. Conflict can be a triggering event for many of us — we finally express our boundaries and wham! someone is offended. Or perhaps we made a mistake and we know we are in the wrong — unraveling from that in a healthy fashion is tough. Often times we can contort ourselves into taking an excessive amount of blame or shouldering responsibility that should be shared. Below is a guide I walk through when something goes awry. It allows me to outline the situation without the emotional charge, admit how I feel, take ownership of my reactions and responses and then decide my actions from there. Breaking conflicts down in this clinical fashion help me take appropriate amounts of responsibility.
What happened? → How did it make me feel? →What’s my part in it? → Do I owe an apology? → What outcome would make this situation better? → Take my action → Let it rest.
The journey of overcoming people-pleasing tendencies is an ongoing process of self-discovery and growth. By learning these five invaluable lessons, I’ve embarked on a journey of reclaiming my authenticity, cultivating self-love, and embracing my worthiness. Rewiring forty-some years of habits, mindsets and reward-seeking behavior doesn’t happen over night. From initial awareness to actively working on this behavior, I have witnessed my life change in every single area. While I encountered some resistance along the way, I encountered even more acceptance and enthusiasm from those near me. Learning to lean on friends, to ask for help, to admit fears and mistakes allowed me to discover the level of support, care, cheerleading and love that I was missing out on. I discovered I had this massive safety net below me of lovely humans who truly want to see me shine, and believe me — I have taken some swan dives off the trapeze right into their loving arms at times!
I hope you find these articles helpful. Unraveling these patterns that no longer serve us can be a launchpad to our future selves. If you’ve found something that resonates with you, I’d love to hear it!
Hey You! Yes, YOU!
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