Self-Improvement
Mindset Matters
How what you think defines your opportunities and outcomes
One of the most important deciding factors in the overall outcome of my life has been mindset. By the time we become adults, we are thoroughly ingrained with our belief structure and what I like to call a Rule Book. We’ve learned through a combination of nature and nurture what the world holds for us, what’s possible, what’s not likely and where we fit in the grand scheme of things. We trend towards being a pessimist, optimist, realist, and we have defined assumptions regarding who is responsible for our lives. Is it fate? Accountability? Do things always seem to happen to us? Is life unfair? Are you always lucky?
Most of these beliefs are initially created as children — we have our five year old selves laying the foundation for what our thirty, forty and fifty year old selves will accomplish. In order to survive anything from not burning ourselves on the stove to staying small to avoid being picked on or people pleasing to navigate around a parent’s temper, we pick up skills and truths. We tuck those ‘truths’ into our rule books, and that rule book grows with us. The truly wild thing is that we rarely (if ever) revise those rules. Rules may sound like:
Nobody loves me
I will never fit in
People can’t be trusted
I’ll always be poor
Money is more trouble than it’s worth
Marriages don’t last
Putting everyone else first makes me a good person
My feelings don’t matter
On and on and on. We have pages and pages of this nonsense that may have kept us safe at one point, but we are now forty-something, not four. These rules, when put together, form a mindset towards yourself, others and life, and your mindset guides what is possible for you in reality. What you believe shows in what you say and what you do, it filters out opportunities that you don’t think you qualify for (to save yourself the humiliation and shame of loss) and tells you that your friend is ignoring you because they don’t really like you (not because they are busy with a new promotion). Conversely if you were someone who grew up with the great fortune of boundless encouragement, positive feedback and endless opportunities — you will exist in a world where you are comfortable taking risks (seeing them as challenges, not places of fear) and know that no matter what happens, you will land on your feet with your circle of trusted friends supporting you. Most of us are probably a mix — we were told we could do anything (up until a certain age) and then we were met with a host of lessons from schoolyard bullying to family issues and our first heartbreak and being told that our dream of being an astronaut was not feasible.
I was raised by a mom who worried a lot — granted, she had good cause and it was a combination of her life experiences that taught her that by worrying she could come up with alternate plans and by doing that in some what it prevented bad things from occurring. Sometimes it prevented actions from being taken at all, if things were deemed ‘too risky’. And for a single mom with two wild girls and no child support or nearby family? That kept her somewhat sane, all three of us alive and a roof over our heads. I adopted the worrying mantle, it was almost as if I worried about a thing — I placed a hex against it happening. This reverse manifestation made me feel that as long as I considered all the horrible things that could go wrong, I was preventing them from surprising me, disappointing me and often, from even happening. That’s a lot of anxiety, right? My life was smaller, safer and I made sure the unexpected didn’t happen.
The problem for me (and I’m sure for some of you), is that I have this wild streak inside of me that dislikes small, safe and expected. It also despises the worrying, anxiety and planning. This inner streak knows that worrying and crafting complex alternate plans was how I was exhibiting a need to control my out of control life as a child. It’s a farce, and a dangerous one at that as it gave me both the illusion of control while simultaneously vastly limiting my opportunities. I started taking random risks — I said yes to a relative stranger who asked me to go skydiving. I agreed to go on a three week backpacking trip to South America with a friend of a friend I had met a few times. I went out dancing by myself late at night and made new friends. I signed up for a triathlon with an ocean swim not being a competent swimmer and being terrified of sharks.
What changed over time is that nothing really bad happened. I didn’t get kidnapped by drug cartels in South America. I didn’t die of heartbreak. I didn’t plummet to the ground without a parachute. I didn’t wind up in situations I couldn’t get myself out of (although some were pretty unsavory), because I was capable and competent. My competency and experience meant I no longer had to plan for every outcome because I could trust that I have what it takes to handle situations. Even greater became the urge to wonder what else was out there for me? I had the crazy realization that I could start wondering about all the good things, instead of worrying about the negative possibilities. What if I made a million dollars? What if I traveled the world? What if I did an Ironman? What if I started 10 businesses? What if I truly fell in love? What if I gave a TEDx talk?What if success is around the very next turn?
My life has changed profoundly, exponentially even, compounding experiences and joy year over year in a way that I still cannot fathom. I look back a year, five years, ten years and I am beside myself that I did things that at one point were not remotely possible for me. Then I doubled down on them. Tripled down. I look forward and I cannot help but wonder, “What if it all works out even better than I imagined before?!”
A year ago on January 04, 2023 I posted on Facebook, “What if it all turns out great? What if everything happens right on time? What if traffic is easy? What if you get the check you need? What if they pick you over everybody else and you get the job? What if the client has been looking for you all along? What if love is around the corner? What if everything just keeps getting better from here on out? What if the entire universe is conspiring to make your wishes come true? You’d realize you’re living in heaven on earth.” What a powerful mindset — I had no idea that I would fall in love, start traveling the world, start writing a book, begin to launch another business, live part time on a Greek island, be fortunate to have money show up when I needed it and let myself lean into the support and kindness of family and friends with ease and comfort.
I cannot encourage you enough to pay attention to your Rule Book — when you catch yourself saying facts about yourself and how life operates, jot them down. Ask yourself if it’s true. Can you prove it? Where did this fact come from? Is it your parents truth? Your religion? The safety mechanism your 5 year old self invented? Does it benefit you today? Your life is in your hands and your world is defined by how you decide to see it.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage” -Anais Nin
I’d love to hear what you have in your rule book and how mindset shifts have changed your life! Feel free to leave a comment below or message me anytime!
Your #1 Fan,
Note: I’m thrilled to announce the upcoming launch of my coaching programs later this year through Eternal Recess, designed specifically for folks who are seeking deeper fulfillment and outrageous amounts of joy in a purpose-driven life. For the latest updates and early-bird offers, drop me an email. Can’t wait to embark on this journey together!
