Self-Improvement
Wait, I’m A People-Pleaser?
How I Discovered This Uncomfortable Truth
A few years ago, it dawned on me that despite being hyper-independent with a leadership streak a mile long, I was, at my core, a people pleaser. Mulling over that thought churned my stomach. Yet, there I was, avoiding conflicts at work to dodge criticism. I couldn’t answer the question, “What are your top 5 favorite movies right now?” because I didn’t want to face ridicule. I felt a disproportionate sense of relief when people agreed with my opinions. If someone loved a band, I would agree that I liked them too, just to make them feel good about their choices. As a young adult I went on dates I had no interest in to protect my suitors’ feelings. I got an abnormal rush of value, merit, and worthiness when I was praised.
Growing up I was known for being unique, independent, outspoken and creative. I was also top of my class, frequently the first to volunteer, eager to help out and willing to stand out of the crowd. In school it would grate against me when teachers would ask a silent room repeatedly for someone to read to the class, or for an answer, or to show their work. Without fail I would raise my hand because, well, someone had to. I quickly learned this garnered the affection and attention of adults. “Rose might be a little chatty and a bit of a troublemaker, but her helpful and proactive attitude makes her stellar and worthy of praise.” It worked at school, at home, with friends, with their parents — almost universally it worked like a charm. A little extra effort and I was rewarded by being a “Good girl” and a “Star student” and “Such a good helper!” The work-reward connection was repeatedly reinforced. While good behavior should be rewarded, for whatever reason my wiring confused that messaging with, “My self-worth depends on the validation and acknowledgement of other humans.”
That’s an awful truth to admit.
No wonder I was exhausted and felt drained and empty. By forty years old I was feeling a loss. What I didn’t realize was the lacking and loneliness I felt inside was a yearning for my authentic self. I no longer really knew what my favorite band, color, movie, book, or animal was. I watched other people answer those questions with wild abandon but I’d internally hedge and try to buy some time. If I could perfectly assess what the right answers were, they would garner me more affection and value.
Simultaneously I began to realize that I had some key people close to me who tended to tell me who I was — what I liked/didn’t like, claiming I loved music that I loved decades ago, that I hated this activity or that, that I am clumsy, that my memory generally sucks. There’s truth in many things that friends and family say, but there should also be room for growth and evolution. I also had to acknowledge that at some point I stopped refuting statements I disagreed with, including those about my personality — the very marrow of who I am! It had become easier to nod and smile or to laugh and roll my eyes than to disagree and risk entering an argument.
While I was stunned by my own admission to people-pleasing, my long time therapist was not. She’d notice that I’d prickle when she’d make statements such as, “Why do you think you owe them an explanation?” or, “That’s an inappropriate question for that person to ask, don’t you think?” These radical ideas sounded risky and revolutionary. The thought of saying No became as tantalizing as when I learned to say Yes. Clearly, we were on to something!
Should you find yourself feeling a sense of emptiness or a feeling of lacking, you may be dealing with a loss of Self. Whether this stems from avid people-pleasing (such as my case) or through a more natural attrition of becoming an adult and ‘blending in’ to society — you may benefit from asking yourself the following questions:
Do you:
- Have difficulty saying “no”? You find it challenging to decline requests or assert your own needs, often agreeing to things even when it inconveniences you.
- Have a constant need for approval? You seek validation and approval from others to feel worthy or accepted, often prioritizing others’ opinions over your own.
- Have a tendency to overcommit? You frequently take on more tasks or responsibilities than you can handle, trying to please others or avoid disappointing them.
- Avoid conflict? You go to great lengths to avoid confrontation or disagreement, even if it means suppressing your own feelings or opinions.
- Put others’ needs first? You consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over your own well-being, neglecting self-care or personal boundaries.
- Feel guilty when asserting yourself? You experience guilt or anxiety when expressing your own needs or setting boundaries, fearing that you might upset or disappoint others. Do you apologize for other’s behavior? Do you find yourself apologizing in order to smooth things over even if you didn’t create the situation?
- Have difficulty expressing your true feelings? You struggle to express your genuine thoughts, emotions, or find censor yourself to avoid upsetting others.
- Feel drained or resentful? You frequently feel exhausted, resentful, or unfulfilled in your relationships or interactions, as if you’re constantly giving without receiving in return.
- Find your self-worth is tied to praise? You rely on external validation or praise to feel good about yourself, basing your self-worth on others’ opinions rather than your own internal values.
- Lack of self-awareness? Can you name your favorite bands, songs, movies, books, authors, binge snacks, colors, dreams (short term and long term) and do you feel comfortable sharing them even if they are not popular?
If you resonate with several of these signs, it’s possible that you exhibit people-pleasing tendencies. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward cultivating healthier boundaries, improving self-esteem, and fostering more authentic relationships. Like anything, people-pleasing is on a sliding scale from mild to extreme — and throughout your life you may change your position on the scale or hop off it entirely!
Pinpointing this subversive element of my personality and being willing to peer into where it stems from, how it shows up in my life and working on creating new patterns has been truly life-changing.
I’ll be following up on this article with some work I’ve done along the way. I hope you find it useful and I’d love to hear your thoughts related to your journey as well. Something strike a chord? Let me know! Got a great way to reinforce boundaries with folks? Please share. Navigating and unraveling these behaviors can feel isolating at times, I share in hopes that someone else can relate.
Hey You! Yes, YOU!
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