How to start saying no (even when it feels impossible)

Setting boundaries is challenging — and can be risky. But understanding what’s behind your fear of saying no can help you get started.

“No!”

My dad maintains this was the first word I ever learned (and that my next one was “cookie”). I’m pretty sure this never happened, but I like the story: that I came out of the womb ready to set boundaries and demand treats. Sounds amazing.

The truth is much messier. While I’ve never been known as “sweet” or a “pushover” (more like “loud” and “opinionated,” let’s be real), that doesn’t mean saying no comes easily to me. In fact, one of my biggest realizations over the past couple years is how often my fear of saying no led me into situations I didn’t really want to be in. And even when I’d realize I was unhappy, I’d often keep plowing ahead anyway — because I’d already said yes, after all. Dammit, I’m not flaky!

Sometimes plowing ahead was fine — or at least I told myself it was. I’d get through the event, or the project, or the uncomfortable meeting, and move on (maybe a bit burned out). But occasionally, I’d reach my wits’ end…and then I’d try to say no.

Only by that point, I wasn’t setting boundaries. I was just being defensive, reacting from a place of frustration.

I don’t share this because it’s a good approach (it most definitely is not!). I share it because it illustrates that it’s not just the quiet ones who struggle with setting boundaries. It’s all kinds of people. Maybe you, too.

Understand your fear of no

I’ve found that the best way to get better at saying no is to first understand what’s really stopping you right now. Here are the most common reasons I’ve found.

Fear of conflict

Many of us grew up in homes where people avoided conflict like their life depended on it — think silent dinners and stony glares. Others have experiences where a conflict turned violent or traumatic. However you learned it, if you were taught to see all conflict as bad, then it’s no surprise that you might avoid saying no at all costs.

People-pleasing

In my experience, fear of letting others down is one of the most common reasons women and others who were socialized female fear saying no. It adds right up: we live in a culture that trains girls to be helpful, accommodating, and nice — that the most important thing they can do is make others happy and comfortable. When that message gets engrained, it can make it hard to say no without feeling like a bad person.

Fear of scarcity

On an episode of Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, Roxane Gay shares that she struggles to say no because she’s afraid if she does, people will stop asking. I can relate. In years of running my own business, I’ve constantly faced the fear that if I turn down a project or speaking gig that’s not quite right, I’ll have nothing. “This is my only chance,” you might think, or “if I turn this down, nothing else will come along.” This is ultimately a fear of scarcity: that there’s only so much to go around, so you better take what you can get before it’s all gone.

Low self-worth

Does your brain talk you into saying yes with statements like “you should be grateful they’re asking at all” or “you don’t deserve anything better”? If so, it sounds like low self-worth is making it hard for you to say no. I feel you. This is a thinking pattern that can be incredibly debilitating, and quick-fix affirmations don’t tend to be enough. But know that there are ways to shift this pattern — they just take time and investment in finding and owning your true strengths.

Risk of repercussions

While lots of our fears about saying no are internal, let’s be real: there are external consequences to telling a boss or colleague we won’t pick up that failing project or work late on Friday night. Saying no can threaten how others perceive us — especially if you’re from a group that’s often labeled “difficult” or “aggressive,” and then punished for speaking up (like Black women).

Allow your feelings. Choose your reaction.

As you think through the source of your fears, remember: it’s OK to feel any (or all!) of these things. Your fears are real, as are the experiences you had that taught you them. You don’t need to beat yourself up for struggling with a no.

But there’s power in understanding ourselves. Because once we do, it’s a lot easier to avoid knee-jerk reactions (which usually leave us just saying yes, because it seems safer), and instead take a moment to assess the situation. We can ask ourselves whether the fears we’ve been carrying around are still valid, whether they’re as big as they seem, and whether it might be worth it to say no anyway. Here’s how:

Know your agenda

It’s hard to find the courage to say no when you’re not clear on what you want to say yes to. Having an agenda for yourself — the values, goals, priorities, and vision that are most important to you right now — creates a natural filter: things that don’t align with your agenda are strong candidates for a no. That doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful! But it gives you a chance to pause and ask yourself some questions:

• Is this where (and with whom!) I truly feel called to be helpful right now?
• How might I say yes to this in a way that serves my agenda?
• How might saying yes here help me show up for the communities that matter to me? How might it get in the way of that?

Assess the real risks of a no

When we’re scared, we’re prone to extreme thinking: If I say no, everything will fall apart. I’ll always be seen as lazy. I’ll never get asked again. I’ll be stuck in this role forever. No one will want to work with me. If you find yourself thinking this way — always/never, everything/nothing, no one, forever — odds are good that your brain is amplifying the risks of a no.

A helpful practice for slowing down those anxiety spins is to start thinking about risks as a spectrum, where the worst-case scenario is at one end — a 0 on a scale from 0 to 10 — and the best-case scenario (where you say no and everyone applauds your focus) is at the other. Now ask yourself:

• What are some other possible outcomes in between — e.g., what would a 3, a 5, and a 7 look like?
• Which possible outcomes are actually likely?
• What could you do to avoid or mitigate the risk of the likely outcomes?

Remember that yes has a cost, too

It might feel risky to say no to your manager right now, but if doing so keeps you from hitting your goals for the year, that could be a big cost down the line. But it’s not just about acing an annual review. Saying yes to the wrong things can also impact our sense of self — because erasing our needs to serve others tends to make us feel small and powerless. Over time, that contributes to burnout and hopelessness. Ask yourself:

• What will saying yes to this keep me from? What’s the cost of that?
• If I say no to this, what might I be able to do in its place?
• What do I feel when I imagine myself saying yes to this? (If the answer is “exhaustion,” “dread,” or something similar, your body is telling you something important!)

Take your time

We often feel pressured to respond immediately — which makes it easy to default to a knee-jerk yes instead of a thoughtful no. Give yourself a break by learning a few gracious phrases you can say in the moment to buy yourself time to think (and that communicate respect and care to the people asking). This is also a great time to bounce the request back to the other party with a few questions to clarify what they really want. Here are a few ideas:

• “That sounds like an important project. Let me take a look at what’s on my plate this week and let you know by end of day how I can be involved.”
• “Thank you so much for inviting me! I want to make sure I’m not overbooking myself so I can give this my best. I’ll check my calendar and get back to you in the next few days.”
• “I’d love to help in a way that fits my schedule! Can you tell me more about what the commitment might look like and who else is involved? Then I can assess what will work best for us both.”

Give yourself grace

Saying no is hard, and it’s so much harder for people from marginalized groups or who lack systemic power at work. So if you struggle with this, know you’re not just a pushover or a pleaser. You’re a human trying to survive in a world that’s unfair and sometimes unsafe.

But also know that change is possible — and that even if you can’t safely say no every time you’d like, you can reframe those situations to at least spend less time blaming yourself for them. And the more you practice establishing an agenda and setting boundaries in small ways, the easier it will get — and the more you’ll connect with people who respect those boundaries.

This post originally appeared in the February, 2021, edition of our newsletter, Nice Work. Subscribe here.