Our emotions don’t care about our 9-to-5s
There’s no turning off your feelings to “keep it professional” — and trying to do so can actually do more harm than good.
One of my coaching clients recently told me they’ve been struggling with someone on their team. (Don’t worry, I asked them before sharing this!)
“I felt like I was running around tap dancing, trying everything to make them happy — but nothing was ever enough,” they told me. “Then I realized, this is exactly how I felt with my ex.”
They’d learned years ago to never get into another relationship like that. But they hadn’t expected it to happen at work — so when all those same feelings came flooding back, they took it hard.
They’re not alone. Our past experiences affect how we show up at work all the time.
Maybe you shut down and go numb during design critiques because that’s how you coped with being criticized by a harsh parent. Maybe you were taught that “polite conversation” meant avoiding topics like race or disability, so you get uncomfortable and defensive when they come up in team culture conversations.
Or maybe you’re like me, and grew up feeling chronically unsafe and on guard. It took me years to realize that I had normalized — and even fought to save! — work relationships that made me feel on edge. It’s what I was used to, so it’s what some part of me thought I still deserved.
I often hear people say that we should “leave our feelings at the door” when we come to work. We talk about being “data-driven” or “focused on the facts.” But the truth is, humans are feeling creatures — everywhere we go.
Our emotions don’t care about our 9-to-5s. Our triggers and coping mechanisms don’t take a break just because we’re in a meeting.
And often the people who think they’re the best at turning off their feelings are actually the ones letting them spill out all over the place — overreacting to small problems, lashing out with personal attacks, or aggressively shutting down important conversations.
I don’t want to live that way, and I bet that if you’re reading this, you don’t either. It’s exhausting — because it keeps your brain stuck in a fear response, perceiving everything around you as a threat. And once your brain’s fight-flight-freeze mechanism gets going, you literally can’t think. You’re stuck in reaction mode.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
While we can’t prevent old experiences from resurfacing, we can change how we react when it happens.
The first step is simply learning to notice when you’re getting steamed up, and pause. What are you actually feeling? When have you felt like this before? Can you separate the situation from your reaction to the situation?
It’s not easy, of course — it’s a practice, and one I plan to work on for the rest of my life. But the more you get comfortable naming what you’re feeling, the easier it will get — and the better you’ll be able to hold off on knee-jerk reactions that just make things worse.
Just ask my client. Because as soon as they realized what they were feeling, they gained perspective. They felt more grounded. And then they handled the situation like the thoughtful, humane leader they are.
This post originally appeared in the March 5, 2021, edition of our newsletter, Nice Work. Subscribe here.
