Night Vision
Published in

Night Vision

3 Ways Knowing Myself — as a Demon Inhabiting a Human Host — Improved My Life

Prioritizing pleasure — as only a demon can — eliminates the problems that plague mere mortals

Photo by Alice Alinari on Unsplash edited by publication

Life in this mortal realm can be tough. Most humans live in a state of near-total shut-down, beset on all sides by conflicting desires and pressures from the inner and outer world.

For example — humans, as mammals, are pretty much happiest when you are relaxing, getting plenty of sleep, plenty of exercise, and healthy doses of sex and nourishment.

Contrast this with the machine-like grind of capitalist work-a-day life, and the persistent Puritanical influences in pan-global culture, and I think you can pick up what I’m putting down.

Combine this with the truly manipulatively-designed propaganda we call advertising and entertainment … you’ve heard this before, and you feel it in yourself, I am sure.

More often than the general public would like to admit, the stark contrast between the inborn urges of a person and the social expectations foisted upon them from the earliest of tender ages is enough to drive someone completely insane.

Once I, myself, woke up to the fact that my soul was hurting because I was trying to jam the giant stinky demonic foot of my desires, passions, and feelings into the too-small human shoe-of-convention

I decided to give my pinched and blistered desire-body a chance to spread out. Instead of fearing my inner urges, I would indulge them — evil be damned.

After all, demons are only perceived as evil through the warp of a deeply self-fearing, pleasure-negating, life-denying cultural lens. The “evil” that demons represent is the unmitigated, wide-pupiled, grinning desire energy of the world.

In other times and other places, divinity has been perceived as inextricably containing both the terrible aspects and the beneficent ones — simultaneously and eternally. Tantric Buddhism is full of Gods and Goddesses of the most sublime, subtle, epiphany, and the most devouring, all-consuming apocalypse.

To bring all this divine pleasure stuff down to earth, here are:

3 ways in which allowing myself to live from my demonic pleasure and delight has changed my life for the better — (and you can, too)

1) I finally overcame a decades-long struggle with disordered eating and body dysmorphia.

This is no joke, people.

My demonic gluttony, my utter lust for life, was being so clamped down by my human conditioning that I spent untold hours and dollars on over-eating food that I knew full well I was going to heave into a toilet moments later.

Meanwhile: no matter how hard I pushed my body to work on a constant calorie deficit, artificially fueled by caffeine, short on sleep, frequently swollen and then purged of good nutrition, emotionally numbed by alcohol: no matter how well my body continued to soldier up and function well: I still hated and despised it.

Found it utterly lacking. Not thin enough. Not beautiful enough. Not sexy enough. Always aging, always on the verge of ill-health, its utter mortality just — too apparent!

And here’s the thing: those things are true.

But it doesn’t matter. Because the purpose of my body is not to last forever. That’s what my demonic soul is for!

And the purpose of my body is not to conform to the trend of the moment’s ideal of beauty. The purpose of my body is to allow me to interface seamlessly with this world of sensation.

Feel it: every moment of every day you are in total erotic merger with the atmosphere, with the ground, with the photons and pheromones of every thing you perceive.

Your skin, taste-buds, membranes, rods, receptors — all of it firing all the time. All of it communicating a rich symphony of sensation to the whatever-it-is-“you”-are, all the time.

Taking this awareness very seriously, and applying the principle of demonic pleasure, I began to relate to my host-body differently.

I started wearing shoes that fit my feet, for one thing. Clothes that fit my body, and pleased my eye. I started prioritizing my pleasure when choosing what to eat, instead of guilt, shame, rules, or regimes. I committed to moving my body in ways that amplify my delight and arousal.

I tuned in deeply to the feelings and urges of my creature.

This included sleeping when tired, crying when overwhelmed, and raging when enraged. Of course also, as I have grown in power and control, removing myself from enraging, exhausting and overwhelming situations.

It is a great paradox — and easily taken wrongly — that as I grow to dis-identify with my fleshy host as “the real me”, the greater tenderness and sense of loving partnership I feel towards her.

I say that “this is easily taken wrongly” because it is one of the great misfortunes of modern western civilization that the vast masses have been duped into believing the Great Lie. The Great Lie is the head-scratchingly irreconcilable duality of matter and spirit, or even worse — the nihilistic cynicism that the material world is a soulless, meaningless mess.

I do not mean at all to re-enforce a Spirit/Matter divide: I am, after all, a divine being incarnate in the flesh of this world. What I mean to say is that — as I have allowed my knowledge of myself to expand into the truly eternal, transcendent parts of Self, my fleeting, transient form in the world of illusions becomes truly a precious little treasure in whom I delight.

Instead of beating her up with false pleasures which then drag her for miles behind a farting camel — my host and I now collaborate to maximize our pleasure, comfort, and arousal in this life.

2) I am more patient with people.

This probably sounds surprising. “Wait — you’re telling me that as you turned your dedication away from tending to other people’s needs and feelings (which you sucked at to begin with, let’s be honest), you got less frustrated with people? How?”

Right, good question!

It is again a great paradox indeed that as I prioritized my own pleasure, and recognized my incredible capacity for enjoyment, I became over-all more generous in my attitudes towards others.

Back when I was more fully rooted in the human way of seeing things, I did feel a strong revulsion or repulsion to people’s frustrating behaviors. When I encountered difficult humans with difficult behaviors, I felt inclined to lash out or withdraw. This comes, I see now, from the limited perspective on “enjoyment” that humans have.

The general human perception is that good things feel good, and bad things, just, are bad, and that doing immature, harmful, time-wasting, counter-productive things makes no sense and is evidence of some terrible flaw in the person who is indulging in such behaviors.

But this is wrong!

As a demonic presence, I can assure you — pleasure and enjoyment are ripe for the plucking in all manner of dysfunctional behaviors!

As part of my awakening to the depth and breadth of my own ability to find pleasure in the darkest of strange places — I have become a less-resistant witness to the kinky and sometimes rarefied pleasures of other beings.

When the demon in me, who is capable of enjoying pleasures far beyond the body and the Ego’s thresholds of pain, sees the demon in others, playing their demonic little games — I am filled with the warm glow of compersion, otherwise known as Mudita, or sympathetic joy.

3 ) I treat myself with kindness and respect.

Unless you are a person who — like I did — suffers from a pretty much constant inner narrative of self-reproach and self-judgment, this might not seem like a big deal to you.

I hear that some humans are just born with self-directed kindness and self-respect, but my experience was a little weirder than that.

Essentially, my inner experience of myself was one of intense paranoia.

“What will people think of that?” “Does anyone even really like me?” “Did I just make myself look stupid?” “Oh my god, why did you just do that?” “You’d better hope no one finds out about that.”

Lord, was it tiring.

And it was all coming from the conflict between how I naturally wanted to exist in my body and self and the messages that I got from those around me about that. That inner police officer who reflected back to me every judgment I had ever received in the school of “How to Be A Human”.

And when I finally, finally admitted to myself that I sucked at being a human precisely, precisely because I am a sprawling demon of disgusting delight — well, I just took all the judgments a lot less seriously.

“Yes, a human would feel that way, wouldn’t they,” I inwardly grin, nowadays.

When I manage to wait in line patiently, or leave a piece for someone else, or not speak up too loudly, or interrupt too rudely, I congratulate myself on being such a well-restrained, considerate, loving and benevolent demon.

“Look at you,” I purr to myself, “very well done, my dear.”

And when I do speak up, or stir things around, in order to have my way and get what I want — evil be damned— I survey the terrain and ask myself, “Who here as been smote?” and sincerely hope that my skill is such that the answer is, “No one.”

Because truly, now that I allow my demon the full range of her pleasure in this garden of earthly delights, all the conflicted, frightening, hateful evil is gone.

Only the benevolent, all-devouring, monstrously loving core remains.

Night Vision is a blossoming publication fed by the grit and greatness of navigating the unconscious and inner worlds, reconciling fear in all its forms for endless liberation into the pleasure of the dynamic human realm we inhabit.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Laila M Bernhardt

Laila M Bernhardt

Radical agent of transformation & shedder of light. Lover, rebel, wise counsel.