Tonight I am grateful for my dad and the various memories arising as he lays in a hospital bed across the country … in what state I’m not sure.
I am grateful that my brother has me to dump his rage on instead of answering my basic questions… even though it leaves me in the dark… maybe the dark is best… maybe that’s how my Dad feels… maybe I’ve been set up to empathize with him right now.
I am grateful I’ve practiced this before… connecting and being with… without physical proximity or phones or gadgets of any sort.
I am grateful I walked into a glass wall yesterday and smashed my forehead really hard… and that I’ve only ever seen drunk people do that… and the only person watching was my new lover… and maybe his ex as she drove by… and that I smashed my other too because my mouth was open to holler at my little dog not to run at her moving vehicle.
I am grateful to contemplate… in an unconscious state after multiple strokes in a day… my Dad might feel pretty trapped in there… like a glass ceiling… and our psychic connection creates the opportunity for me to understand.
I am grateful to cry a lot without thinking or grasping… just feeling it when it’s there and letting it flow. I am grateful for a bag of pot found in the house and that it felt like some kind estate to break my extensive absence from smoking to puff in solidarity to my brother. I love how we convince ourselves of things that are and are not true.
I am grateful for the 6 pack of mini Pepsi cans I got last night after I found out… returning to another ex of mine after quite a long long time… Pepsi was my first addiction and a main food group at my Dad’s house.
I am grateful for my nap in the moss today and waking up to my pups curled beside me protectively.
I am grateful to have fallen asleep with Maru and the dogs, all of us in the big bed stinky like campfire after roasting weenies and marshmallows for dinner tonight beside the ocean. I am grateful I forgot the luxury hotdogs in the glove compartment and had to run back … and the version of shitty mom that i am leaves my kid on the beach alone cause he says he will just sit there and not touch the fire, “I promise” (new thing). I am grateful I am almost back to our set up when I hear his little voice in the bushes, “Oh mom, I was so worried about you.” I am grateful he is resourceful to navigate the way he did and brave enough to enter the forest to find me… even though I went along the rocks instead. I am grateful he hadn’t gone too too far so I didn’t have to feel all that panic and guilt of arriving back at the camp to his absence. I am grateful for all of our handholding … and snuggling horizontal in the warmth of the wild flames. I am grateful for easy fire starting & endless draft wood.
I am grateful for the hilarious rock that looked just like a nipple last night, and my friend said are you sure.. i think… and I sucked on it… and then they saw it too and stopped questioning me. I am grateful for friends who question me and also friends who laugh with me.
I am grateful to feel totally bitch-slapped by some emails I got today that I asked not to be involved in … yesterday AND this morning… and that we have a legal contract that I do NOT need to be involved in at this point. I love that I got the chance to feel the venomous magma in me ready to erupt. I am grateful I didn’t send any replies.
Thanks for everything. No complaints.