Tonight I am grateful for the small headache wrapped around my third eye any the way my whole brain feels like it’s wincing forwards into this one spot. And how this one spot tells the story of my struggling relationship with coffee and long term dehydration and the comfort of being squeezed and all that wants to open up for me.
I am grateful for the scar on my perineum that has somehow entered many conversations lately and bares the proof that I literally ripped myself open to bring another person onto the planet. And how I am at odds with my natural capacity for stretching without tearing. And how I have a history of denying my own beliefs to better suit an environment of different thinkers. And how I let myself do what other people tell me to instead of following the magnificently loud but gentle wisdom of my body always trying to lead me in noticing where my mind is at and how I might be more benevolently sovereign in this hall of mirrors.
I am grateful to have fallen asleep with little Maru and to wake up in the middle of the night not too upset with myself. I am grateful for this calm observer that lives in me these days. I am grateful in this eclipse energy to have noticed extremely intense moments with my child where behaviour, impulse, reaction arose in my body… into my hands and my mouth… and how I would be noticing all the while and able to shift the energy into playfulness midstream without judging or shaming myself that what was originally occurring was unkind imprinting from my own childhood and the way I was manhandled and reprimanded.
I am grateful to further notice now that I just chose two words containing the word man to represent the way I experienced childhood… even though I was actually referring to specific female caregivers and their reactionary overwhelmed insensitive angry treatment of me, the child. I am grateful to be doing so much conscious work around how oppressed the feminine has been and still is… and what this really means for us in relationship to ourselves in a day to day way.
I am grateful to notice how oppressed our feeling and sensing skills are and how I grew up in a family of wonderful women all overstuffed with unexpressed emotion… or maybe more so accidentally expressed emotion in habitual denial of emotion in inherited methods of doing over being and thinking over intuiting. I am grateful to come from an environment of such obvious (to me) abuse and trauma in individuals… and to be willing to use these words.
I am grateful for the way I see abuse and trauma as extremely prevalent and something to say casually in really regular ways. I am grateful to know this as true in my own system and to see it as true in the collective system and to be doing work that bridges the gap on how one might work with one self to have the most radical efficient effects outwards.
I am grateful that I no longer spend time and energy entangled with those I grew up with and have given myself space to become this observer who can take responsibility for the patterns in me, that I didn’t Choose, that imprinted on me as a very young kid, that those before me also absorbed in their earliest days, I don’t judge as bad or wrong… but as violent and unnecessary to carry forward.
I am grateful to have watched Frozen 1 & 2 tonight and to have those voices and songs stuck in my head now.
Thankyou for everything. No complaints.