Julia Blackburn: Forgiveness Through Memoir
The Three of Us, a memoir by Julia Blackburn (published in 2008) refers to the three members of a very dysfunctional family — harrowingly so — but in fact it is the chilling story of three families and three childhoods. The bloodlines of the dysfunction are traced back to the tortured childhoods of themother, Rosalie de Meric, an artist, and of the father, Thomas Blackburn, renowned poet, (and even further back to the grandparents’ childhoods for a bit) and are horribly manifested in the childhood of the author, Julia Blackburn.
Julia is never physically abused, although her too early introduction to the world of sex is a form of second-hand physical abuse (what she sees and knows about is too much). She is mentally abused, used as a buffer between the parents and occasionally as a battering ram, and too often used as confidant to adult issues no child should be exposed to.
That Julia managed to make it to adulthood in relatively one piece and with only one person dead as a result is a testament to the illogical logic of survival only, not to the underlying love of her parents — who are both disgustingly selfish but understandably so given their own tortured childhoods — nor to the supposed help of various psychiatrists, who only seem to push the father deeper into hell, the mother deeper into self-absorption, and to offer nothing at all to the daughter. One doctor whom Julia begins to visit in adolescence due to her screaming fits, can do nothing but say: “As far as I can tell, you are sane and intelligent, but really your situation is impossible.” And so it is. Julia tries to find adult guidance wherever she can; too often (always) the adults fail her.
The book begins with Julia’s mother coming to Julia’s house to spend her last month of life. Julia tends to her and spends quiet time with her. When the past is raised, her mother is happy to say it is all “water under the bridge now”; her mother expects the love to be there and Julia offers it to her. But can forgiveness for Julia really be that easy? As the book unfolds the history of the family of three and of the families that led to this family, we realize that Julia is trying to piece together for us and for herself the horrors that made her parents into such awful people as well as to find the bits and pieces that make them human again, and lovable, even if only to her.
But the question of forgiveness and “water under the bridge” remains. I have never had any transgression against me so horrible that I could not forgive the transgressor. But imagining myself in a scenario of childhood like Julia’s, I am not so sure it would be so easy to forgive. Julia ends up forgiving — understanding — her parents in part because of the physical abuse and abandonment they suffered themselves. Is forgiveness just a form of understanding? I understand you were jealous of me and so you hurt me; I understand you needed money and so you stole from me; I understand you were drunk and so you slept with my best friend (and what is her excuse?). But if the victim is to understand — and forgive — the perpetrator should also understand and take responsibility: I hit you because my father hit me when I behaved badly: I know now that is wrong and I will try to stop. I drink because I am stressed out and I understand I have to stop drinking. Of course, understanding and forgiving cannot continue ad infinitum. At some point the forgiveness cannot be granted.
What about when the harming party does not ask for forgiveness, does not take responsibility for pain inflicted? Julia’s parents never admit to their rotten parenting and yet Julia finds some sort of peace with each of them. Is it a question of generosity of spirit? I think so. Some people will never forgive their parents or a friend or a brother for something done wrong, never ever forgive them, grudge held for years. Others, like Julia, see that moving on with their own life means letting the resentment go, being the bigger person. Dare I say the better person? Julia is, because of her attempts to understand and forgive.
The point is that in forgiving a person, you are not saying that what that person did was okay; all you are saying is that it is forgiven. Perhaps the slate can never be wiped clean again; I can envisions situations in which I would not personally grant forgiveness or a second chance or understanding. And there are cases when the forgiveness may only come after a period of punishment, either required and warranted (incarceration), or just necessary (time spent apart, far apart). There are situations where forgiveness is just a fading away of resentment. Enough time passes and it all doesn’t seem so important now.
In Julia’s case her parents were terrible but she came out okay, even thrived eventually into a writer and parent and wife. Given the sadness of her parent’s own lives and the viciousness of their own demons, Julia forgives them. It is not just “water under the bridge” as her mother claims; it is instead the cleansing generosity of her daughter that grants the mother and daughter finally some gentle moments together, at the end. Of course, there is also this written memoir, Julia’s testament to her parents; maybe forgiveness also comes with a bit of payback.
The book flows beautifully, albeit painfully; there is nothing false about the story of the three even if it is often shocking or terribly sad. Julia seems to have a talent for both the truth and for forgiveness, and that is what makes the story so engaging, a page turner to the end. We are desperate to be assured of her survival, body and soul, and we are.
