Dear Future Husband,

As I sit here & think about how unfortunate things have been … I also rejoice about how fortunate things will be. I’ve spent so much time getting lost on social media or trying to make my kids happy or even going out of my way for others , that I unfortunately lost myself. I never took the time to truly validate my needs, so I swept them under the rug. The need to mend childhood trauma once & for all ; being overlooked. Being the child that’s less than on one side … or the child thats “so independent that she doesn’t need our help” on the other side. Being the one that doesn’t ask for much help because she just “figures it out.” Being the unfavorite. Being the unliked child. Being the child it was easy to give away or give up on. The insignificant child. I got used to being “the strong friend with the good job”. I was cool with being the single mom that just had to make a way.

I remember thinking last year that I was ready for a husband. I had a good job, or two jobs. I was gorgeous naturally. Long hair, thicker thighs. & my love for God should’ve attracted all the right men right???

Wrong . Although I haven’t had many relationships, I longed to be loved, comforted, and wanted. I wanted to be appreciated for being a stable & loving human being. Not to mention , an amaaaaazing mommy. I wanted to be acknowledged for being a better parent than either of my own. But , none of that mattered.

I still got played. I still got my heart broken. I still chose drugs to numb my heart & seduce my mind . I still had to take my life back to the drawing board. I still needed my needs to be validated… I still needed to be validated in such a way that I believed would change my life.

No, it wasn’t the first time I felt the need for validation but this time was so different.

I went from being the strongest woman I knew to being the weakest .

I’d never been heart broken by someone other than my parents before in my 26 years lol . Like bruh, I been unwanted all my life & you just treated me too huh?! & no I don’t blame losing the guy on the series of unfortunate events that quickly followed, but baby , it was downhill from there. I lost my job due to lack of interest in the work ethic of those I worked with. I just wasn’t myself anymore. I quit my second job because I’d decided that I just couldn’t do it emotionally. I was choosing not to. I chose not to face my anger & not to say to myself “heeeey you have some needs here!” I was crushed from being fired from my “good job”. I was humiliated from being played emotionally & financially by the guy I completely adored at the time. I’d put my car on the line through a title loan to help him right before I lost my “good job”

& when they found me , I ran! I hid my car at my cousin Kim’s & promised I’d be back. My car & my kids are the only things I’d ever signed on the line for . All I’d ever owned at the time .

Then, I faced my first eviction. Lost me & my kids home. I didn’t know what to do. So I chose to believe that I was a complete failure. I didn’t know how to cope. & all the while still choosing to “show strength” or “be the strong friend”.. when in reality I had needs that were still being unmet & avoided. I didn’t know how to deal with so many embarrassments at once. I didn’t know how to say “I need a hug, I need guidance, I’m not strong right now at all…” The drugs didn’t really numb my heart or my reality Only my feelings temporarily. I began to lose even more of myself , by myself. I still couldn’t realize that my needs weren’t being met mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.

Avoiding the shelter, I went back home to my grandmothers. (after wanting to commit crime by causing fatal bodily harm to a “friend” who only wanted to see me down so that she could get the praise for “helping the homeless”) smh.

As you know grandmothers are a natural shelter , so it was granny that stood totally against my kids & I going to a physical shelter. At first I sat there for days , depressed . I remember I could barely even get a prayer or a praise out to God. “How did I get here? How did I fail like this? When did it really get bad? Is this really who I’ve become?” , were the questions I asked myself daily . When all along the questions should’ve been … What do I need? How can I love & connect to myself right now? What about these events truly wasn’t my fault? What need wasn’t being met the reason I chose to no longer care about my life?

My heart is thumping in my chest writing this because truthfully, God never let me go. Also true, I had a long list of needs that had never been met. So instead of taking these events in as correction from God, I blamed myself viciously & still ignored my needs. He knew that I needed the unfortunate events to create a deeper form of humility. I needed these events to gain the wisdom to be an even greater woman than I believed I was before .

But I trust that God knew of my needs way before these events. & me recognizing my emotional and mental needs at the time even now that the worst part is over, reduces the bad feelings I felt towards myself. The strength I’ve been blessed with was so hard to see when everything seemed to be crashing. But sober & with a clear heart , I’m thankful for my series of unfortunate events. I am now aware of what I need in every way … & I won’t stop patiently enduring through life to see to it that all my needs be supplied in every way.