This particular morning when I woke, I cried. I was so tired 😓 I woke up overwhelmed. Which gives me anxiety, which makes me angry. Angry with myself for being a bad sport to the team that matters, my kids. Ugggghhhhh! It’s me again taking the kids to their morning places ; 1 to school , 1 to daycare . Then I go back to bring them back just to go back so I can be at school or work.

I’m stretched so thin man! I just think like how I was chosen to be in this position?! To be mom all the time?! To be the only parent on the go for them, dropping everything for them, sacrificing for them… all the time. Like who trusted me with this position! This position that had high demands & seemingly low pay. 😓 Like legit God gave me this job. He chose me for this position that’s seemingly so honored yet so complicated. #Mom #Ma #Mutha #Mommy.

Still weak .

But somehow in the midst I began to submit to that awful feeling …. & we got into the car.

SO HERE WE ARE …. I’m getting them to where they need to be. I’m telling myself that my mind has to change. I’m telling God that everything that I’m thinking about the situation right now has to change & I have to think the opposite of the negative emotions. I had to find it in me to run through my own head with some big ol’ positive facts! .

As I mumbled I surrendered personally , but aloud with the little pinch of endurance I had left in me.

I quickly realized how beautiful it is to be able to change my mindset & the way I was thinking. I tapped into that realization with no fear & began to thank that Lord for my ability to take them to their daily destinations .My daughter was doing great in school ! Daycare was current. & Among these facts were the facts that deeply touched my spirit. The truest facts; we were safe when we laid our heads at night, we had clean clothes, we weren’t lacking for food, and we had each other. These were reasons to give God so much glory & I did just that. However with so much thanksgiving in my heart… my flesh still allowed a thought to creep into my mind…; I wanted someone to talk to about these rough moments that I had to endure alone. An adult. A companion. Someone to rub my head & say “it’s s going to be just fine”. Someone to hug me and squeeze tightly so I’d be forced to exhale the pouting away. Someone that endured these days with me & made them easier. A “bae”…. A Husband!!!

My mouth said God, I worship You . But my mind screamed “I WANT SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME IN THE FLESH RIGHT NOOOOOOWWWW!!!!”

& Then it hit me , I was gonna start writing him. Confiding in Him. & praying for Him. Yep, the man I didn’t have. The future husband I couldn’t even see.