Crossroads Blues
CHAPTER 1: LOCKED OPEN
College is a massive shift from school for me. I have always been the quiet kid who just read books, an introspective overthinker with a rich inner life. There is much more pressure to make connections and friends in college than in school. While I am in my hostel room enjoying my ‘alone’ time, people want me to reach out to others and socialise. Maybe because it is my first time living away from home or because people say it’s more about the connections you make in college than your grades, this compulsion to start a new conversation with people I barely know gets me stressed. I prefer to just sit back and observe than go up to someone and discuss something mundane. There is nothing that kills me like small talk. When I see social butterflies, I wonder if I am missing out on a lot of fun, but then I also realise that spending time with myself makes me self- aware, self-reflective and makes me observe stuff which people usually don’t.
I am not very much into social media, but I have my fair share of impressions of it. Right now, sitting on the stone bench on 10th street, one of my favourite spots for contemplating life, I see some people just glued to their phone screens. Social media is where most people show only the brighter side of their lives to the world. They are under pressure to find a way to overshadow their problems by doing this. There is a lot of pressure to be perfect. Is there something or someone as perfect? Who defines what is perfect? You don’t have to be perfect to be happy. And if you do feel you are imperfect, it is excellent because it means there is always much room for growth.
I see a group of friends laughing, a couple deeply looking into each other’s eyes and a bunch of guys returning to their hostels after a game of basketball. I start thinking about the lives of each of the people I see. Are their smiles hiding their pain, or are they genuinely happy? Is the couple in love? What is love according to them? I wonder what their stories are. I remember an article I had recently read about how staying away from their families makes college kids feel isolated, lonely and homesick. Do people get into relationships because they feel lonely?
People feel good when they find someone who cares for them. They are fascinated by others when they find a new trait in them that they don’t possess. What I have observed is that everyone has the same traits as everyone else. The traits just get expressed in different ways. While some get insecure about their relationship, some get insecure about their career, but the basic insecurity that people face remains the same.
There is an angel and a devil in each one of us. In the initial days of a relationship, we tend to put our partner on a pedestal by seeing only the angel in them and expect them to stay that way forever. This creates tension in a relationship. As days go by, when the devil’s side starts surfacing, we give up. We give up badly on our partner, on the relationship, on life and on love. We stop trusting people. What we don’t realise is that our own distorted emotions and thoughts about someone are what cause us pain.
Mostly, when a relationship ends, you don’t just lose your partner; you lose your friendship with them too. There arises a fear of losing your special one completely. This forces people to stay in relationships even if they don’t want it. I catch myself being too pessimistic about college relationships and remind myself that a few relationships do stand the test of time.
This is a confusing period in my life. Sometimes, I am at peace with myself. I think of all the wonderful things in my life that I am extremely grateful for. I have a special connection with my parents. I have a few trustworthy friends. I am happy with all that I have. My life is complete and at its best, with all the genuine people around me. But sometimes, I find it hard to accept the slightest disturbances and sorrows. I get distraught when even the most minor things don’t go as planned, and with time the anger turns into anxiety and fear. I watch my moods swing back and forth like a pendulum. I sometimes tend to be very happy, but the spirit goes to another extreme in a few seconds, which hits hard. I tend to build up anger and don’t let it out. Though all of this makes me feel really concerned about myself, I know for a fact that most of us go through this phase at different points of time in the journey of life. It makes us learn the art of acceptance. I have always felt that happiness and sadness are opposites. Now I realise that they are complementary. I smile at this realisation.
One fine evening, I was walking back to my hostel, thinking about the ton of pending work I had. After a while, I realised I had lost my way. Engulfed in darkness, I found myself in an empty alley. And there I met him ……….
This article has been written by Rohith samuel, Miraharibabu, Rashmi B N, and Rohit Guna.
