I am Here
By Nix

I am here.

In the flesh.

In my alone time, which I have learned to fill with meditation.

I have Brandi Carlile radio, playing on my Pandora Station.

For the current time, Pearl Jam is playing on the station. I recall seeing them live in 1992 at Lollapalooza. Back then I was just a teenager, but an adult. I was 18 years old, and just ready to party. I did not realize the greatness of Eddie Vedder’s energy quite yet. I recall just throwing down a blanket on the grass, and then smoking grass on that blanket. It was warm out, that day, in San Jose, Ca. I had an entire life ahead of me. Funny how music can take you back to the past, as if that day was just today. This is why I am infatuated by music. It’s precision of tracing back through our memory is brilliant. I can recall the way the sun felt, the way the grass smelled, I can even remember what my good friend was wearing. She had white jean cut off shorts, and a black tanktop on that day. She was barefoot and dancing on that blanket. Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Lollapalooza. Summer of 1992. I was 18 years old, and had no idea what was happening.

Hmmmm.
What else do I have this morning.

I have meditated.
I have drank my Irish Tea with a slice of lemon.
I have hard boiled 8 eggs.
I have made my own salad dressing of Dijon Mustard, Olive Oil, Garlic, Tumeric and other spices.
I have packed my lunch for work.
I have read about ways to stay asleep longer through the night.
I have read that my aging hormones are the culprit to my shortened sleep cycle. My reproductive years are on their way out of my life, here on this Earth.
I have subscribed to health food e-mails.
I have subscribed to DIY, all natural cleaning products.

I have subscribed.
I have subscribed.
I have subscribed to this life.

I woke up sober today, as I have now for many days.
The feeling of clarity and goodness in the mornings will never be old. It will not go unappreciated. I recall so many mornings of my past, waking up hungover and afraid, only to do it all over again in the coming days. I did not know any other way to live, back then. But, this is in my past, and I am not willing to look back this morning. I am willing to type each word, in the present, NOW. Type each word, as my thoughts trickle water like a lazy faucet drip. I do not desire to fix the faucet.

“Stay” by Jasmine Thompson is playing now. I must say, I truly adore this song. It weeps. It is soft. It is painful. It is beautiful. We tend to gravitate toward sound that mirrors our souls. This is me. I weep softly in a beautiful pain. This is me.

The pain does not hurt. I just ache. I ache for this life. I ache for the beauty of this life. I ache.
The ache, I pray not to leave me. I have built a castle out of this ache. I do not want to be rescued. Sometimes, I wish I could be rescued. But I don’t want to be. Come to this castle, and have a cup of tea with me. We could open up the windows and bring in the light.

Ray LaMontagne is playing now. “Jolene”. Ray LaMontange will forever remind me of my former wife. We played his song, “Trouble” at our wedding. It was our wedding song. The following day, we saw him in concert. Oakland, California. 2008. I remember we held each other and cried throughout the show. I thought life had finally arrived. “This was it”, I thought to myself. It was for a while. We had a son together. What once was, is no longer. Just like every moment we experience, we are no longer. I am okay with this. I accept it. It has been 2 years now since the separation. We are both content with our lives, just as they are. I miss her though. I miss our friendship. Maybe this is something I should tell her.

I am queer. Bisexual, if you will. Sex is the last thing on my mind. Intimacy is what I crave. I do not have that in my life, as of now. I do not have a person to cuddle me to sleep. I do not have that person to lay next to. This is okay with me. My castle is small, and cozy. I have a noise machine that plays throughout the night. I have my prayers to keep me warm. I have all that I need.

Norah Jones, “Not Too Late” is playing now. “Close your eyes and dream….”. Funny. I was just writing about sleep, and did not realize what song was playing. Connection is a beautiful thing. I stay connected. The wires are tight. Not so tight that electricity can not flow through them. They are just tight enough.

Just for today, I will live by the light of God’s Will for me.

God. The higher self of me. The self that seeks humility, love, acceptance. The me that keeps the ego in a healthy balance. The me that understands what my character defects are, and works through them. The me that I strive to become everyday. With awareness of self, I believe I am this. I am, I be.

Photo courtesy of Carla

Signing off.
Sincerely yours,
Nix

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