Nobody Gonna Hold Me
Single in every way
I sit here. Waiting for my popcorn to pop (stove top). My 7 year old is a ways away with his other parent (single, co-parenting situation). I have worked all day long. It is now 8:30 pm. I have eaten the salad that I made for myself. Chickpeas, tomato, onion, fresh peppers, roasted red potato, with a dijon mustard dressing (that I also made). Now, I wait, listening for my popcorn to begin popping.
I am listening to Cat Power on the Pandora Radio. I have said it before, her music is dreamy and mellow. My favorite thing to do is write, and listen to Pandora (when my son is not with me). I love it so much. I look forward to doing this. I am in my sweatpants that are a kajillion years old, and my tank top. I was too lazy to take a shower, and you know what? This is fine with me. My hair is so short (I buzz it myself), and I am just going to work again in the morning. There is no rule saying when I have to take a shower. I am single, in every way, and I can pretty much do whatever I want to do. Nobody is here to tell me (or ask me) to do anything differently than what I want to do. This is pure freedom. Pure freedom. Pure freedom.
I have been reading articles and essays, here on this site. I like them much. Talented writers here on Medium.com. I especially enjoy reading about “life” and “wellness”. I learn from my peers here, which is how it should be. Pretension is wasted on me. I can pick up on it from far away. I pick up on it through text, in person, with musicians, and so on. I pick it up, and put it down. I have no interest in being cool, saying cool things, using fancy vocabulary. Trust me, I have never been cool. I think I tried once when I was 25 years old. No wonder why I was terribly depressed that entire year.
Nobody gonna hold me. This is it. I am held by the wonderful taste of the salad I just made and ate. I am held by the wonderful music coming through my speakers. I am held by the wonderful smell of coconut oil popped popcorn sitting fresh on my stove. I am held by each sentence I type right now, for it releases my thoughts into the wind (or the computer. tomato/tomato). Once a thought is released, it is out there. Flying around in the mysterious atmosphere of the Universe. It isn’t held inside of me any longer. That baby is let gone. And to let go feels fabulous. I want to feel weightless by the time my head hits my flat pillows.
I have a candle burning, and the sultry sounds of Billie Holiday playing now. The air is light, and my back door is opened. I can not hear one neighbor make a sound. All is peaceful in this little world I have created. For this I feel proud. I have created this resting place for myself. It is my favorite place to be.
Nobody gonna hold me. I hold myself, here. I hold the stress in my back. I take the knots out with yoga and a tennis ball (if you roll around on a tennis ball, it gets out the knots). I thought to myself earlier, “Wouldn’t that be nice to go home and have somebody there ready to give me a massage?” Then I thought, “Who gives a shit about this nice idea. It ain’t happening. Find your tennis ball.”
Nobody gonna hold me. I hold myself here. I make my own food, everyday. Nobody gonna hold me. I hold myself here. I exercise, everyday. Nobody gonna hold me. I hold myself here. I am sober, everyday (only today counts). Nobody gonna hold me here. I go to bed, alone with my flat pillows. At least I fall asleep. Nobody gonna hold me here. Nobody gonna cook for me, give me a massage, or exercise for me. I do this all on my own. For someone like me, who could hardly go to the bathroom by themselves 3 years ago, this is a big deal. I was drunk, depressed, overweight, anxious,angry, and entirely co-dependent on my former partner. Doing this all on my own, here. It is a freaking miracle. (I want to say fucking miracle). It is a fucking miracle.
Nobody gonna hold me, but it would nice to be held. Thinking back now, many people hugged me today. They just walked right up to me, and said, “Nix, wanna hug?”. Sure, I will take a hug where I can get one. Nobody gonna hold me, but I was held. For this, I feel much gratitude.
I am single, in every way.
Cause nobody is gonna hold me.
I got to hold my own.
Forever.


