I have not written a note in a while.
I felt it was time to clear the passageways.
Like, clear the pipe of its muck. Begin fresh.
I have no clue what I will write about. I am hardly awake. It is 6:32 am. I have my double dose of Irish Breakfast Tea to my left. I have Pandora Station playing softly through my speakers. I bought these wonderful speakers for 8 dollars at the Goodwill Store. I like to find treasures, anywhere I look.
My mind is clearing out, as I write. Easy to clutter our thought, with thought.
“Life is short, yet my soul is stretched long. My mind has always been weak, as my heart has been strong.” (From a song I wrote this year, called “Follow the Heart”). For a rebel person, my songs seem to resemble Hallmark Cards at times.
“Rebel person”. Just how am I a rebel. I pay my taxes, I am never late for work, I drive on the correct side of the road. I respect folks around me. I do not use alcohol, and other drugs. I drink tea. I go to bed at a reasonable hour. Rebel? Huh. Not in the way one may think, for I follow the laws of the land. I do what I need to do to stay in order with society.
Rebel. I do not belong to anyone, but myself. Since I had a child, I belong to him. Other than that, I conform to nobody, and nothing but myself.
My life has been a road of twists and turns. Stops. U-turns. The only detour I have ever taken was when I was drunk. I say this, for in the process of getting drunk, I strayed farther away from myself, from my Higher Power. It was like, the toxicity of booze filled my veins with lies, with anger, more fear and less love. It was all an illusion. An attempted shortcut to the truth. It brought me farther away from my truth with each passing sip off the bottle.
The farther away from the bottle I be, the closer to the truth of myself I become.
Rebel. Know Thyself.
It is easy to compare, mimic, become part of an entire idea. An idea of a church. An idea of somebody else. It is easy to mimic behaviors of each other. It is easy. When I was drunk, I was a part of other drunks. I could share the “joy” of drinks with others. I was known to party with the rest of them. It was not always a bad time, but I was never on my time. I was one step away from crashing on the floor. I was one word away from speaking what I would later regret saying. I never felt like myself when I was drunk. I did not know who I was when I was sober. I was in constant limbo.
Rebel. Know Thyself.
In a world full of herds to follow, to be a part of, rebel.
I do consider myself a part of Recovery. Yet, in those rooms of which I visit, we are reaching individually to KNOW THYSELF. One day at a time. We are in it together.
I still do not know where this is all going this morning. That is okay with me. When do I ever know where I am going.
I can say this. I will do what it takes, again today, to not drink. That is simply step one. I will do what it takes today to further the unraveling of myself, down to the root of my existence. It is an ongoing travel to foreign places where I am still learning the language. We can travel anywhere in the world. The easy part is to step on the car or plane. Once we land, the true test of exploration begins.
Just for today, I travel again. Whether I am in the clouds, or on the ground. I travel. Whether it is through a nap, or a walk, or at work, or on the phone with a friend, I travel.
Sobriety is my seat belt.
All the rest is free to roam.