Shutting it Down

Nix
Nix
Jul 30, 2017 · 4 min read

Deciding to take an emotional cleanse.

I am in recovery. Recovery from alcohol, recovery from life, recovery from myself. Old habits easily creep their way back into my life. Habits like projecting my insecurities onto the people around me, and when they do not respond the way I wish them to, I become irritated. When I become irritated I sink into old habitual thinking. Terms like:

“God, I suck.”

“I am not good enough.”

“Nobody likes me.”

“Am I good looking, or not? Which is it?”

I am 43 years old and still breaking these habits. Mostly, I have, yet for today they all crept right back into my life.

Here I am. Waiting for validation, security, and reciprocation. Here I am. This is fine and all, yet I am looking in the wrong direction. I am looking outward for this kind of gratification. I am not looking inward. Not looking inward to my own powerful means for validation, security and reciprocation. Why does it seem better to look towards others for this? Well, because it seems easier to do so. I mean, everyone is all around me. Maybe they can just tell me that I don’t suck, I am good enough, they like me, and I am good looking. Maybe they can just tell me, and then I can run off and not believe it for myself, still. Just writing this at this moment shows me how absurd this thought process is. I will always return back to self.

You could tell me I am the greatest person you have ever met, but if I don’t understand my own worth, then how is that validation?

I need to understand my self worth. I need to not only say that I am invaluable, but BELIEVE this is true.

I understand. I understand. I understand. Yet, I am not believing it. I know deep down inside I do not suck, that I am good enough, that people like me, and I am just fine to look at. I just need to start believing it all better. I have been caught in my own trap. SNAP. This shit hurts.

This is not a great place for a recovering alcoholic to dwell in. Restless, irritable and discontented. So, this is what I have done about it.

I called my sponsor, and one person in the program. I talked it out with my friend from the program. (My sponsor is away right now, yet did text me).

‘Lil friend and I were in similar places today. After talking for a bit, I decided out loud, “I am going to venture on an emotional cleanse. I need to set boundaries for myself.”

This is what I have come up with.

This month I am staying quiet. This means, I am not messaging anyone unless they message me first. (I have a habit of messaging a lot, which I am sure is annoying. I get annoyed with my own self when I do it.)

This month, I vow to meditate for 10 minutes each day.

This month, when I begin to feel unloved, I call my sponsor.

This month when I feel restless, I take a walk.

This month when I feel like I suck, I go back through my song recordings and read things I have written, and realize I am far from sucking.

This month I vow to read further into my step work. I need to focus harder on recovery.

This month I add more reps to my exercise.

This month I stop Googling reasons why I still may be single. I am single because I don’t get asked out on dates, and I don’t ask people out on dates. I am single because I am too lazy to try.

This month I delve further into cooking, exercising, writing, and quite honestly, doing nothing. I need to learn how to fucking chill out.

This month I will take myself to get a cup of tea. I can afford a couple bucks to do so. I am so cheap, one would think I still had my communion money.

This month, I will blast music in my home and dance. This is my party.

This month, I will sit on my deck more often.

That is my plan for this month. I don’t like making plans, but once I have, they are set. I have made up my mind. Stop my self-pitying bullshit and tighten up.

I want to feel better emotionally. I have the wisdom and awareness to make it happen. This is between me and the Universe.

Lastly, I am a human being. I do not feel awesome all of the time. I do not expect to feel awesome all of the time. I just know when to make adjustments.

It is time to see what I am made of.

Wish me luck!

Nix

Photo courtesy of Carla

nixdaego

Soul Quest

Nix

Written by

Nix

Single-mama, warrior, lover of life, poet

nixdaego

nixdaego

Soul Quest

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