Surrender

SoulGangsta, The Daily Reprieve·Thursday, April 13, 2017

One cup of coffee, down the hatch. Will is at his Mama’s house this morning. I have a cup of tea now, I have checked the mail, and now I want to write.

Writing relaxes me. It unties the thoughts in my mind, and loosens up my Spirit.

Today, I am focusing on adjustments. By adjustments, I am meaning this. Molding myself into life on life’s terms. I do this at each waking moment, although sometimes I fight it. I can feel resistance in my body. My body feels stress, intensely. It feels like someone has frozen my heart in time, and only I can melt the ice. I melt the ice through the 12 steps of recovery.

I heard this in a meeting, this week. “Worry is an insult to God.” Yes, I believe in a higher power. I accept the fact that folks are allowed to believe what they wish. I respectfully believe in, what I wish.

“Worry is an insult to God.” This statement, this week hit me. Hit me like a lightening bolt. I have a knack for worry when things aren’t going the way I wish them to. My immediate response to change of routine is anxiety. Sometimes, my anxiety is overwhelming to the point of numbness. Or, sometimes my anxiety feels like my heart is rattling in a cage. A cage that has no door, when I just want to fly away.

“Worry is an insult to God.”

I believe my higher power has a plan for me. When I let down my arms and surrender, I can thoroughly follow its path. I can follow the path with peace of heart. I can follow the path with faith. I can follow the path and make internal adjustments, within. Internal adjustments of which mold me, into each moment. I feel freedom, and my faith has become stronger. My vibrations are higher, for I am clear of resistance.

I do worry, still, yet the magnitude and length of worry has significantly decreased. I am able to sit back, 12 step, and adjust. If you know me, this is a miracle.

I am 100 percent certain that my anxiety/fear were the exact symptoms of my alcoholism. I would immediately turn to alcohol when something worried me. I believed, for a long time, that the drink was my only solution to my problems. I see now, that it was the drink that magnified every problem I thought I had. I live now in the Solution.

I was meant to be born. I was meant to feel free. This is how I feel free. Continuous contact with my higher power, 12 steps, meetings, exercise, cleaning my vessel, writing, playing singing. This is what I do to feel free. I am a work in Progress. I am not Perfection. Life humbles me when I need it. When my ego becomes inflated, I get humbled. And boy, have I been taken down before. It hurts, yet it is necessary for my Spiritual Progression.

I am a Soldier. Fighting for my life. We are all soldiers, doing our best.

This is me, doing my best today.

Should I become overwhelmed, I go to a meeting. Should I become overwhelmed, I have my phone list. Last,but not least, I have my kid who tells me that I am beautiful. He tells me all the time. I look to him, everyday, and continue the fight of surrendering.

Much Peace, Love and Light

Nix