Picking the Battle For Yourself
Everyone has heard it in some context: pick your battles.
This sentiment can come in other forms, like being asked to suppress anger, add slack to your moral compass, be less “emotional,” or shrugging it off as tough shit. And yes, all of those things may be true. I commonly think that people should try to separate their emotions from their ideas at work to maintain sanity in the face of too many cooks giving feedback. I also think some things probably won’t change and so I nicely tell people “tough shit,” because… well that’s life in this dark and uncaring universe. One thing I never try to do is ask for silence or advise people to “keep quiet,” which is commonly what the term “pick your battles carefully” means. I believe people need to pick battles for themselves.
I have an amazing daughter that challenges me in ways I never thought possible. She rebels against everything I say. She will straight up tell me, “No.” This results in arguments, tears, shouts, and stomping. And then Gwen starts doing the same. Sometimes she drives Becky and I crazy by constantly challenging us and I feel incredibly lucky that she does. The fights and stress are worth it, because I like having a daughter that can grow up feeling like she has a say and can stand her ground. Essentially, I want her to pick the battle for herself.
What does it mean to pick the battle for yourself? Each person has a threshold for compromising their personal integrity. This is like a scale of how much shit you are willing to take that changes over a lifetime as you experience conflict, face adversity, or hide/process emotions. My suggestion is to fight all the battles you deem worthy. If you have to pick, make it on your terms. Pick the fights for yourself, not for someone else. Other’s don’t have to live inside of your head when you grapple with cowardice or hear the voice telling you to compromise who you are. This metric of “not taking shit” is going to vary for people, which is just fine, so don’t judge someone else for either arguing their point or backing down from a fight. This is about you, not them.
“I’m only going once, a coward dies a thousand times.” — Killer Mike referencing Tupac, who referenced Hemingway, who referenced Shakespeare.
Everyone knows the feeling of being a coward. Coming out of a situation that caused you to stay quiet in the face of upsetting the status quo or someone with perceived power over you can make your stomach turn. It will most certainly cause you to ruminate on what things you should have said or what actions you should have taken. You may even slip into making excuses for your silence or lament over power structures. If you find yourself in this situation too often then you aren’t picking the battles for yourself. In fact, the anxiety you feel is your value system telling you that you are selling yourself out. That‘s the feeling Killer Mike (and the others dudes) describes as dying a thousand times, because when you sell yourself out, you are dying inside
I’ve felt this many times in my life from simple things like staying silent about a review at work or not tackling a tough conversation with my wife. It’s the worst feeling in the world, which is why I made an effort to fight the battles I need to fight to stay sane and maintain healthy relationships.
What does this look like?
Preface: the most important thing when entering any conflict (non-violent) is to empathize with the other side. Try to see what makes them tick and know that they probably believe in what you are about to challenge. Since we’re all humans careening into oblivion on this dying world together, try to be patient and understanding. Basically, fight your battles, but don’t be an asshole.
At work*: The idea of “Radical Candor” made me a better leader and helped me define my own ideas of workplace courage.
Radical Candor is the ability to give feedback in a way that challenges people directly and shows you care about them personally. Radical Candor will help you and all the people you work with do the best work of your careers, and it will improve your relationships. — Kim Scott
This concept has been empowering and helpful for my career. I hate knowing someone is holding back at work. My colleagues are some of the smartest people I’ve ever met and when I can tell someone isn’t being upfront about feedback or straight up hiding their intentions, I try to draw it out of them by being honest about my own position. It’s uncomfortable for everyone, but you learn a lot about yourself and others when you can challenge folks directly. If you are in leadership, allowing people to directly challenge is probably even more important than feeling empowered to do it yourself.
I know I am lucky to have the privilege and feel safe enough at a workplace to challenge managers and colleagues. I also know not everyone has this and people fear for their job and just can’t get a new job because they want to argue a lot. I’ve been there before and it feels helpless.
With the family: Let’s say it’s Thanksgiving and your Baby Boomer uncle and GenX cousin are talking about voting for a racist sexual predator like it’s the greatest choice they’ve ever made. They probably can’t understand why your millennial ass is crying about a psychopath taking over the country (it’s always politics with the family). Or your brother-in-law who is living in an affluent tech bubble assumes you are a dipshit for shooting guns, wanting low taxes, and hating the government. No one likes a political argument over dinner, but screw them because you will respect yourself a lot more if you stand your ground. If people are talking about something that fundamentally offends you, your friends, or other family members, you should feel the right to directly engage. Don’t just ignore your racist grandma, challenge her (with love and empathy if possible). They deserve to know where you stand and be offered the opportunity to empathize with your ideals. The same applies if you are conservative or liberal. Don’t let my affluent liberal, latte-sipping urbanite ass tell you all Republicans are stupid and racist.
Yes, you will be causing family drama. People will say they can’t believe you challenged Uncle Jim, but you should feel empowered to do it regardless of the family drama. You aren’t a doormat. Don’t let your loved ones tell you to pick your battles. Pick them on your own terms.
Family is always tricky… One way to argue your point with your family directly is to humanize your position. If you are talking about gay rights or transgender restrooms, talk about your gay or transgendered friends and how they feel. Let your family understand what type of fear and anxiety inequality creates for them. Cite this as your reason for believing in basic human rights for everyone. If their heart is closed to stories from the people you care about, make it a hobby to constantly argue with them. There will be younger kids at the table that may need to see your courage.
With your significant other: This is one of the hardest areas to challenge and represent yourself correctly. There is so much at stake with the heart. You hold a lot of the other person’s self worth in your hands. For this reason, you’ll find these battles are the hardest to start or even respond to. It never gets easier to let the one you love know they’ve disappointed you or tell them something that will surely make them disappointed in you. There is no getting around this. Everyone fails here, some more than others. The idea is to fail less.
What I can tell you is that if you find yourself in a place where you don’t feel like you can challenge your loved one with empathy and understanding, something is wrong. You are probably a coward or have an abusive relationship. It’s easy to get in the cycle of repressing arguments and not having tough conversations in the name of smooth sailing, but it’s going to blow up in your face and sink the fake love boat you’ve been tossing water out of. I’ve found the only way my relationships can improve is by talking about challenging things directly and setting boundaries.
In the long run it’s better to just say what you need to say instead of holding it in until you are an anxious and depressed mess. The more you open up and the more you allow challenges from your significant other, the more you will both grow.
The Joker said “I believe that whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you… stranger.” I wholeheartedly agree. Change is always strange and we like to make it stranger, because it forces us to think differently than we have in the past or shed lies we’ve told ourselves. If you meet your battles with loved ones with an open heart and are willing to improve a relationship, you will feel strange things happen. You will feel stronger as an individual. You will see your partner also become a stronger individual. This will make your relationship do a strange thing: grow from boundaries and independence. Go figure. The codependent love stories you are sold in the movies don’t last forever. So make your relationship stranger by engaging and arguing when you need to.
These are a few things I’ve learned. It took me 30 years of feeling like a coward to develop this sense of entitlement in choosing my own goddamn battles. My hope is that younger people can ignore the advice “about picking your battles,” because more often than not, someone is telling you that to keep your ass in line. Now is not that time to play nice and keep your mouth shut.
You should define the terms of the battles you pick, even if you are wrong, entitled, scared, or nothing will change because of your argument. It’s better to say it, than not. It’s better walk with your head higher because you knew you did everything you could when you stood your ground, than hang your head in resignation without putting up a fight.
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