I Once Gave My Life To Baseball

I once gave my life to baseball
I learned to hit the fastest fastballs
I zeroed in on wicked curveballs
I hit home runs, and countless ground balls
I rarely ever hit a foul ball

I played outfield and caught the fly balls
I avoided food that increased my cholesterol
I signed autographs at local shopping malls
And conveyed sports clichés with a charming southern drawl

Then one fateful day we played in Montreal
They had a pitcher there named Shutout Saul
He threw one pitch that was my downfall
Oh, how I hated his evil screwball

He made me look like a clumsy neanderthal
Then soon I heard fan’s angry catcalls
I started thinking about switching to basketball,
or football, or volleyball, or even racquetball

The sight of Saul made my skin crawl
I began to pray for heavy rainfall
Or a relief pitcher to get the call
But Saul was in it for the long haul

He learned my weakness, his mighty screwball
It soon became his only protocol
I got so mad, I called him Meatball
He glared and beaned me with a hardball

It hit me like a pirate cannonball
Pain washed over me like a waterfall
I rushed the mound, intending to brawl
The benches emptied, it was a free-for-all

The game turned into rugby football
Fists were flying, I hit Saul’s eyeball
He responded with a cleat to my abdominal wall
I flopped around like a worn-out rag doll

The cops dragged us down to city hall
I ended up staring at a holding cell wall
The judge said, “I don’t have the wherewithal.
You are released into the urban sprawl.”

Saul said, “You want to go drink some alcohol?”
We ended up on a four-day pub crawl
I don’t recall much after that at all
Saul and I were both deemed AWOL

Our careers over, we now spend our windfalls
Out on the course chasing golf balls

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