The Ballad of Danny Wise
(whose wife did suck out both his eyes)
Now gather round and let me tell the tale of Danny Wise
And how his hot wife, Annabel, did suck out both his eyes,
And if I tell the story true, and if I tell it clear,
There’s not a single one of you won’t shrink in mortal fear.
One summer day when Danny Wise was having his hair trimmed,
A gorgeous female sauntered by, all curvy and loose-limbed.
The instant Danny spotted her his heart leapt with delight.
He sprang out of the barber’s chair, his hair a messy sight,
And down the street he ran to try and catch her - try his luck.
But what was that snack in her hand? A lizard head? Oh, yuk!
And then he thought, no worries — people eat the strangest things;
So when she said yes to a date, he felt like he had wings.
He courted the fair Annabel and nightly squeezed her boobs;
She wouldn’t let him go too far, he never saw her pubes.
At last, it was the wedding night and Danny, fit to burst,
Unwrapped his sweet and blushing bride…then saw that he’d been cursed,
For underneath that pretty gown, below those luscious hooters,
Danny’s wife had nothing there — this woman, she was neuter!
‘What happened to the rest of you?’ poor Danny cried aloud.
She frowned. ‘I’m from the planet Vark, in the Magellan Cloud.
I thought you knew. I gave you clues. Perhaps you’re not too bright.
But I can take on any form — have I not done it right?’
By this time Danny, trembling now, regretted what he’d done.
Who had he wed? An alien, come from a distant sun.
But he was quite resilient, thought over his mistake.
If she can be a cat or bird or horse or hog or snake,
Then I can ask her properly to imitate that form
That made me fall in love with her — I’ll teach her what’s the norm.
And so he showed her photographs from Playboy’s centre panel,
And on the pay-per-view they watched the Little Vixens channel.
Thus bit by bit she morphed into a shape that pleased his eyes.
His fears receded whilst his lust lay pressed against his flies.
‘Now what?’ his Annabel did ask. ‘I’ll show you,’ Danny said.
With trembling hands and pounding heart, he laid her on the bed.
CENSORED
‘You’ll get the hang of it,’ he said, as breathless, he flopped back.
‘What do you do on Planet Vark when you are in the sack?’
‘Our mating customs aren’t like yours,’ she told him with a smile.
‘Just lie back down, relax and wait, as this may take a while.’
Now Danny, having had delight, was eager for some more,
And if his wife would do the work, then once again he’d score.
He felt her tongue upon his lip, it travelled to his cheek,
Anticipation made him sweat and both his legs turned weak.
But when her slick tongue touched his eye, he felt a sudden doubt –
Then screamed with pain, lost blood and nerve — she’d sucked his eyeball out!
She pinned his shoulders to the bed and stifled his next cry,
And then she gave a mighty burp and sucked the other eye.
He pushed her off and stumbled blindly out onto the street.
‘Oh help me, please,’ he yelled, ‘my wife thinks I am good to eat.’
Folk thought that he was joking, but then when they took a peek,
Blood pouring from his sockets — one girl felt sick for a week.
The paramedics soon arrived to help him stabilize,
And in the ambulance he thought of spiders, bugs and flies.
A Praying Mantis, having had her pleasure, will attack
And feeling peckish chomps her husband’s head off for a snack.
The moral of this story hardly needs to be defined:
Don’t mess with E.T. in a dress — for truly, love is blind.
