The Ballad of Jan and Sly
an unlikely couple find love
I’ll tell you a heart-warming story
which starts with Sylvester McRawn,
he’d done time for breaking and entering,
and lived in a bedsit, alone.
He picked up a habit in prison
and now he smokes twenty a day.
He buys them at Aliyah’s One Stop
and nicks some when she looks away.
She’s pretty, this lady, a widow,
(her husband was older and ill),
two young lads, both large-eyed and lively
liked hanging around by the till.
‘And how are you this morning, Allie?’
(They’re friendly now, as you can tell.)
‘I’ve had a reply from my cousin
in Bangladesh and he’s quite well.
He’s coming to England in August
and hopefully we’ll marry then.’
She showed him a photo of Hamza,
a shortish bloke holding a hen.
Sly smiled, though was somewhat disheartened,
he’d had a vague hope of romance,
but was too afraid to pursue it,
and realised he’d now missed his chance.
The bell pinged and in strode a woman,
a big lass with hair white as snow,
she was wearing a leopard-print sarong,
a tattoo of Lenin on show.
She wandered around past the tinned peas,
and sauntered past cereals too,
then came to a shelf bearing Smirnoff,
and purloined a bottle or two.
Sly paid for his fags and was leaving,
but when he heard Aliyah shout:
‘That woman has stolen my vodka!’
He turned round and stuck his foot out…
And over it tumbled the woman.
The bottles both crashed to the ground.
But Sly and this stranger were fated,
their eyes met, hearts started to pound.
He held out his hand and she rose up
like Venus drawn by Botticelli.
Sly stammered: ‘I hope you’re not injured,’
and felt his legs turning to jelly.
Her name was Jan Barleystone-Cockpit,
the daughter of a baronet.
‘So why were you stealing?’ Sly asked her.
‘You have pots of money, I bet.’
‘My father stopped all my allowance
because of this stupid tattoo.’
‘That’s easily cured,’ Sly responded.
‘We’ll have it removed, me and you.’
He stayed with her during the process,
and afterwards took her to dinner,
The Fat Cat served excellent burgers,
the cheesecake dessert was a winner.
Now Sly and Jan live in a mansion
that’s paid for by Jan’s rich Papa.
They both went to Aliyah’s wedding;
life goes on, Ob-la-di Ob-la-dah.
