I’m Not The Friend I Used To Be
Friendship changes when you get sick, and it hurts.
I have not always been a great friend. I can be selfish and easily distracted, and I’ve experienced just enough tough stuff that sometimes my capacity for empathy takes a bit of a nosedive. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to get the impression that I think I was a perfect friend before I got sick. I wasn’t. But my friendships have always been really important to me.
When I interview people about their experiences with chronic illness and dynamic disability, friendship is a painful subject that comes up a lot. You lose friends when you get sick. And it hurts.
It’s easy (and sometimes fair) to blame your friends for disappearing. Maybe they don’t want to accommodate your access needs, or they’re tired of you cancelling plans all the time, or they’re so invested in toxic positivity that they can’t stay friends with anybody who isn’t actively trying to get better. Maybe it feels like they just don’t care enough to show up for you anymore.
But for me, it’s harder to think about the ways that I’ve stopped showing up for the people I care about. Some of my most cherished memories are about staying up late with a few good friends, talking honestly about our feelings and our experiences and our plans for the future. And now…
