“No” Is A Full Sentence
This has been one of the hardest things I have grappled with and worked so hard on embracing over the last year in particular. The idea of saying “no” and not feeling a need to justify yourself every single time is a tough one. “No” is a word we don’t use enough, and when we do use it, we add on all sorts of explanations.
The People Pleaser Mentality
This is the classic struggle for me. For so long I felt the need to be the people pleaser around family and friends. Don’t rock the boat, don’t upset people, tell them what they want to hear…it’s actually pretty toxic behaviour to ourselves when we do this. I was actively being toxic towards myself to try keep others happy.
I was denying myself what I wanted for two reasons. “No” wasn't in my vocabulary at that time in my life and I didn’t understand that “No” is a full sentence. It rarely requires explanation or additional justification. Think about the amount of times we say “yes” to things we don’t have time for or just don’t want to do!
Additional work being put on our already busy workload. A salesperson trying to get you to buy their product or service during one of their cold calls. Voluntary hours at your kids school that you just haven’t got time for (thankfully this doesn’t apply to me but you get the point).
Not being able to say “no” meant that I ended up doing things that I didn’t want to do and didn’t have time to do. Believe it or not…saying “no” to things you don’t want to do isn’t rude or selfish — it is an important form of self-care.
The Trap Of Saying “Yes” To Everything
We don’t always realise or understand that doling out “yes” like we are a dealer at the blackjack table, isn’t a good thing. We are backing ourselves into the corner of feeling like we HAVE to please others, we need to avoid that possibility of conflict. We need to just suck it up!
This is what we tell ourselves, this is what I told myself time and time again. I was brought up with that generational thought process of, “just get on with it”, “suck it up”, “well it just has to be done”. That is no reflection on my parents, that was just the mindset passed down the line from one generation to the next.
Well now it is time to start breaking that bullshit people pleaser approach for ourselves. Imagine what it would be like if we only did the things we wanted to do! Some might think that is a dream world and in some ways it is a bit of a dream world. I mean the reality is that there will always be things in life we don’t want to do but we have to do.
What about when we have choices, when we have those moments when it is a question — “Can you do this for me?” — what if we embrace the knowledge that we do actually have a choice and we don’t have to say “yes”.
Putting It Into Practice
The reality is that this is harder to put into practice. I know I’m not the only one who struggles to say “no” without explanation or even consider it as part of my vocabulary.
It takes time and work, I am improving and I am slowly embracing the concept of it over time. But there are moments when I face that struggle to say “no” or those moments when I almost automatically justify saying no and afterwards wish I hadn’t provided that justification because the reality was that it wasn’t needed.
However in those moments where I have embraced the idea of just using that one word, “no”, those moments have been empowering. It is about taking control of your life. You are taking control over those decision moments for yourself. It doesn’t mean you are a terrible person at all.
When people judge you or get upset for saying “no”, that is a reflection on their own insecurity. As long as we are being respectful and reasonable, there is nothing wrong about being honest and direct with others.
