Introduction
Summer 2016, I was excited for my chance to finally leave home.
“Remember, we’ll always be here with door wide open if things don’t turn out well. Your academic records at your current high school is retained so you can come back. I didn’t expect you to leave until college, you sure you want to go? It’s not too late to back out and finish high school at home?”
Yea no mom. I’m finally free after 16 years, one way or another I’m gonna make it work. After all, 16 years in one place has made me extremely anxious and desperate to break free; to spread my wings and test the sky’s limit. I’m going to be literally on the other side of the globe, where my mother can’t reach me and I can do whatever I want. No more asking for permission every single time I leave the house. Life is great, life is good.
Until I had a health checkup for studying abroad. Turns out, I’ve been carrying a Teratoma tumor on my left ovary for 16 years. And suddenly, my world collapsed on me. I had a scholarship lined up for me in 2 months in the US.
What? Do you mean I can’t even use it? I mean, you can’t really use a scholarship if you’re dead right? Wait a minute, I’m going to die? I’m too young for this! I’m only 16! I’m not even pretty or have a rich boyfriend so it can’t be those KDramas!
What’s even worse was that I had a research internship in Japan starting in 9 days. The next two weeks of internship was probably the most excruciating and worthwhile time of my life. I was torn between elation and a sense of impending doom. By themselves, these emotions are already overwhelming. The coexistence of it? A terrible, terrible combination, much like ketchup and Pepsi.
As I marked out the days on the calendar and my days remaining in Japan dwindled, so was what could be my remaining days alive as my surgery was scheduled the day after my return flight from Japan. I mean, who knows what could go wrong, just a million complications that are waiting to ambush you in a surgery?
What if when I close my eyes as the anesthesia kicks in, I close my eyes forever?
And as the doctor stands above me at the start of surgery with the anesthetic in the needle in his hand, my mind spirals out into full blown panic. And as the doctor came closer and closer with that needle, I thought: “Ah, this is it. Never again will I close my eyes with a mile long bucket list.”
“If I wake up, I’m going to change myself.“
“So that, if this ever happens again, I can close my eyes with a bright smile on my face.”
I did wake up, or else this book wouldn’t have exist. But the person who woke up was not the same person that closed her eyes. The abrupt incoming of what could’ve been my death has led me to live a life where every second matters, and I live as if I could die the next second.. Every second matters, and I live my life knowing that the next time I close my eyes, which may be the last time I do, I have no regrets. So from there on, I decided to live my life for myself.
Now looking back three years later, I realize I processed this period as a “good Asian daughter.” But was that the right approach? The way I responded to my impending death was quite.. “Asian”. I mean, who would go on an internship after knowing that they have a tumor, and could die?
Did I even live my authentic self by going that internship?
I probably did, considering that I made the most out of the internship. I poured my heart into my research thinking this might be the last time I ever get to do science again. And that same research internship is what launched my current career in science.
The funny thing is, despite being so invested in science and quite successful at that, I originally a linguistics student. Ever since 6th grade, I was identified by my school as a gifted student in linguistics, and won national awards during my middle school days. I then went on to a gifted high school for my linguistics skills. But my heart was screaming inside, saying that this isn’t right. While I was bringing glory to the family by winning awards and going to a gifted school, I wasn’t living my life for myself. I was living the life that my family wanted: A life of glory that my mom can brag to her coworkers.
There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people’s books and write your own. — Albert Einstein (Ha! I’m writing my own book now)
For many of us, these struggles are things we never get the chance to correct. Life has given me a second chance, and I will not let it slip away. After all, how often does life offer you a chance to correct your mistakes? So I had to start writing my own book, and I did. Just a few months into the gifted school, I applied for a scholarship to study abroad, so I can start fresh and pursue my passion in science. I joined my school’s science club despite the stink eye as the only humanities plebeian and female at that. I made projects, competed in competitions and won awards despite not having a scientific background, despite being a female in STEM. Then, I won the internship to Nagasaki University in Japan despite the jealousy of the same people who laughed at me in the first place. Ever since then, my love and success in science has only grown.
“No one will marry you!” joked my mom as I told her on the phone that I would be applying to college as an engineer. This is because traditionally, engineering is a male’s career. By following this career, it makes me more buff, macho, less “girly” and appealing as a bride , or so my mother says. It was just one of many instances I have been told this. It wasn’t the first time, and surely won’t be the last as I made my mind to follow my heart. For the majority of my life, I had followed what my mother had taught me. I mean, she is an adult, she’s been alive longer so therefore wiser.
All adults have been children, and no children have been adults. So she can steer me clear of the mistakes she had made before. However, not every human being is the same.
Uniqueness is what makes us …human.
What may have worked for her may or may not apply to me. And considering my STEM interest versus her Finance interest? Most definitely not. It is scary sometimes, to not follow your parents, to not follow the road. But in life, there is no such thing as a road to prosperity, a recipe for success. It’s just as people walk the earth, a path is made.
Just because not many or even anyone has walked this way, does not mean it won’t lead to the same place. It’s fine to take that risk, to try something new, to not follow what your family decides for you. Life always finds a way to make things go well. So go ahead and listen to your heart, and let things run their course.
To grab a copy of my book:
For one copy: https://gumroad.com/l/sizQ
For two copies: https://gumroad.com/l/uHPOZ
