Going The Distance: Your Official Guide to Long Distance Relationships
Relationships are fucking hard. If you think getting into one is difficult, keeping one is even worse. Now imagine having to maintain one from miles and miles away. Out of the four relationships I’ve been in, two of them have been long distance. One of them (obviously) failed, and one of them is (currently) thriving, so although I wouldn’t say I’m an expert in long distance relationships, I’ve read enough articles, taken enough quizzes, cried enough nights over them to have figured out how to make it work enough to be able to provide an officially unofficial guide to long distance relationships.
Plan early, plan ahead
My first long distance relationship was actually my first relationship ever. We’d met online and he decided to go out on a whim and visit me over the holidays. The beginning of our relationship was great — we talked all the time, we had regular FaceTime dates, but most importantly, we planned when we’d see each other next. Since we were both in college, it relied heavily on school breaks. I’d visit him when I was off, and he’d come when he was. Not being able to see each other often was why we ended things, because he couldn’t handle the distance. So having trips planned early, having something to look forward to —it makes all the difference in your long distance relationship. You’ll definitely want to have something to look forward to.
I think the biggest downfall of a long distance relationship is that it feels like there’s no end in sight and that the distance will eventually consume the relationship. But by having these trips sprinkled throughout the year, it’s a reason to keep the fire going in your relationship — it’s a conversation topic, it’s a reminder that you’re a real couple, it’s validation that your relationship is just as “good” or “normal” as everyone else’s. You’re going to meet so many people who will try and convince you that long distance relationships never work or that it isn’t a “real” relationship and I promise you, it will wear you down. It did for me. But having these trips, even if it’s just a weekend trip, keeps you sane. There’s nothing better than crossing off days on a calendar to get you through a countdown. It’ll give you this feeling of normalcy, because once you’re there, it’s like nothing changed. It’s a reminder that the struggle isn’t all for naught.
My current boyfriend is military, so preplanned flights? Not happening. Luckily, we’re both in a place in our lives where booking a flight a few weeks in advance instead of waiting for a sale is doable. But even knowing that there’s a possibility of seeing him soon is the best feeling in the world. We’ve been together for over a year, and I promise there is no one else in the world I get more excited to see than him. The butterflies never go away, especially when you’re jumping off that plane and into his arms. If a trip isn’t possible in the near future, be sure to at least talk about one being made some time in the future. Relationships can be nurtured through the phone, but they truly blossom when you’re right in front of your loved one. There’s no better feeling in the world.
Try unconventional sex
Get creative. Sex is what differentiates you two from being just friends, so you gotta find some way to keep that fire flaming! Skype sex, phone sex, sexting — use your imagination when it comes to this. Send him a cute flirty picture randomly, tell him what you’re thinking of in the dead of the night. Tell him what you’re wearing. Polish up those writing skills and really blow his mind. Nothing is off limits here, and it can be exciting to try something new. Conventional couples may be able to romp whenever they feel like, but they’ll never have the kind of connection you two will after months of imagining bedroom action. Trust me, the wait is so worth it.
Cry if you need to and smash a few things
Long distance relationships are hard. They’re so hard that they give themselves such a bad rep that most everyone cringes when they hear the words “long distance relationship”. It’s pretty sad how often people will try to convince you that it never works, that it’s not even real, that you’re wasting your time. Ignore those people. They haven’t found anyone worth fighting for yet, but you have. But there will be so many nights where the distance does feel like its too much, where you will feel like it really won’t work, where you think you’re wasting your time. Take a moment and just cry. Scream. Do whatever it is you can to get it out of your system. It’s okay to cry and feel those things — it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed. Some nights will feel longer than others, some days will be extra cold. You’re going to always be walking around with a sense of longing in your heart, and no matter what you do, you’re always going to wonder if it would be better with them around. It’s not an easy task to love someone from far away, but it’s rewarding. Remember that when you’re crying and yelling up a storm because when you’re done, just give that person a call and listen to the sound of their voice remind you why you’re fighting for them.
Make the most of your time together, but don’t cram
When K and I first started dating, we’d cram in everything we wanted to do together. Our first date as a couple was actually at Disneyworld! We planned out our days to the minute — there was always something to do. We never got a chance to sit and rest because it felt like we were just wasting time with each other. We went to different parts of town, different bars, different restaurants — anything we could think of that we wanted to show each other because it felt like we had to make up for all the lost time. But here’s the thing: no time is lost. Our time was just beginning. But these short school holidays or weekend trips or summer trips just felt like we had to do as much of everything as we can and frankly, it got exhausting.
Fast forward a year later and there’s nothing we’d rather do now than to sit on the couch and just hang out. We love being in our jammies, watching movies, eating junk food, and just cracking jokes with each other. Doing activities all day long are fun, they’re great, and they’re good bonding experiences but don’t think that you have to constantly be doing something. Take time out to just sit and enjoy each other’s company because that’s the time you’ll treasure the most. It’s the time when we’re not doing anything that I get to feel the weight of his hand in mine, I get to notice every little mole on his face, I get to memorize all of his features including the smell of his scent, and I get to really have conversations about things I could never if we were hustling and bustling all throughout the city. A typical weekend visit for us might include a Saturday morning farmer’s market, a dinner date thrown in there somewhere, and definitely a movie marathon.
Have an end date
Distance is a temporary solution to a long term problem. Whether it’s school or work, there was something there that caused your relationship to be long distance. To reiterate a previous point, I think the biggest downfall to any long distance relationship is that it feels like the distance is permanent. It’s not — always remember that. Distance is temporary. It will end one day and when that day comes, this whole article will be proof that the struggle is worth it.
However you solve distance is another issue. There might have to be a lot of compromise from both ends on who is moving where and when. It’s a heavy discussion to have because nobody can predict the future — knock on wood, you may break up — but it’s a necessary discussion because distance isn’t practical for a serious relationship. In my case, K is military. I’m in pharmacy school. I have 2 years left in school, he’s got 7 years left in the military. In my head (feel free to read my next section before you read this section because I’m about to contradict myself a little bit), I would ideally want to move to and practice where ever he gets stationed to in two years. I haven’t exactly brought this up to him yet, but it’s what I can imagine us doing. Which leads to my next pearl of wisdom…
Communicate, communicate, communicate
You’re going to have to talk to each other a lot. You can’t even distract each other with sex — it’s literally just all talk. Find creative ways to talk to each other so that you’re not bored with just texting. Tagging each other in memes on Facebook and Instagram, sending each other Pinterest pins, sending Snapchats or tweets — all of these things will spice up your communication game. After all, you’re going to spend so much time talking that you’re eventually going to run out of things to talk about. But there’s more than just talking about your day. You’re going to have to really talk about the nitty gritty stuff. I struggle with this the most — I have always struggled with this. Neither of us are really good at talking about our feelings and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s not good at handling my 500 emotions at once, or if it’s because I get frustrated handling his 5 emotions, or if it’s a little of both. Regardless, effective communication is the only way a relationship can work, whether it is long distance or close distance. But I get it — I’m absolutely fucking terrified whenever I have to tell him that something bothers me. I’ve never been good at bringing up my needs and desires. I always feel like I’m burdening him by adding one more thing onto his plate that he just doesn’t really need. But I have to constantly remind myself that a relationship is a two way street — he deserves to know what I’m thinking, and I have a right to tell him. It’s even more difficult with long distance because oftentimes, serious discussions are held over the phone and you can’t gauge their expression.
K is really good at going silent when I tell him certain things, and it freaks the hell out of me — I tell him all the time that it does, and maybe with repetition, he’ll learn that it’s not something I respond to well. The best part is, he’s getting so much better at processing things out loud now instead of just going silent. Our first fight was over his sucky communication skills actually — I was getting fed up with him not talking, him not calling, him being distant that one day I just lost it on him. Months of frustration poured out of my little body for a solid 20 minutes while he did what he always does: went radio silent. He went MIA from me for a week straight and when he came back, it was like a whole new person. Of course, I had to call him out for disappearing for a week, but since then, he’s changed the way he communicates. It might not be much; it’s very subtle things like learning to respond better to me, and me learning to ask for a better response from him instead of just getting frustrated, but he’s trying. And that’s really all you can ask for.
You can’t read minds — and if you can, please contact me immediately so I can learn and/or put your skill to use — so you have to talk. You have to ask. You have to have the difficult discussions, even if you’re afraid of the response. You have to be willing to make the first move sometimes, and you have to be willing to hear them out and give them space to process your words. You have to learn how to really listen to your partner. Nearly all of your relationship is solely based on communication, so you might as well learn how to get really good at it.
If it doesn’t work out, it’s more than okay
If you’re in a long distance relationship, I can only assume that you’re serious about your partner. It takes serious commitment to want to handle dating someone miles and miles away from you — and I commend you for it. Long distance relationships are not for the weak hearted, and they’re certainly not for everyone. And because this is a “how-to do a long distance relationship” I won’t elaborate too much on this point but it still needs to be said because I had a dear friend who had told me this same thing during our rough patches: it’s perfectly okay to tell yourself that you can’t handle the distance and to let it go. Nobody will judge you for not being able to do it, because in reality, not many people can make it work. There are a lucky few who do, but for the most part, the distance can kill. So don’t beat yourself up if you’ve learned that this is something that isn’t for you. You should be proud of yourself for trying and getting as far as you did, and I hope you’ve learned something to bring to your next relationship. Long distance relationships have been the most rewarding and the biggest learning experiences for me, and they truly taught me about love. After all, you really have to be in fucking love with someone to be able to maintain a whole relationship from states (or countries) away.
As my ex-boyfriend has said to me in a drunken confession four years post our relationship: “nobody will love you like a girl from another state will. Nobody knows how strong that love is.”
Godspeed, my fellow long distance relationships. May love prevail.
