A Little Respect — Erasure

#365Songs: November 10

I’ve oversearched my soul for answers this week, but it hasn’t made me feel demonstrably better about the creeping fascism and erosion of our moral fabric. It’s all a little bleak out there, and I’ve poured my fears and sorrow into the pages of this blog.

You blog what’s on your mind and what’s been on my mind has been unpleasant.

But.

Reading has done me good. Reading George Saunders. Reading legal experts about the structures in place to prevent Trump’s worst ambitions. Reading a simple crime/horror novel set in Hollywood’s silent era called The Devil’s Playground by Craig Russell.

Sidenote. Jesus fucking christ on a moldy Ritz cracker everyone needs to read more. I read quite a bit, but I waste too much time scrolling stupid shit on my phone when I could just pick up a book. They are literally all around me.

I don’t have any real wisdom for you. I’m not soothsayer or a cleric. I can’t see the future any more than I can remember what I had for lunch last Tuesday. My words on this blog have reflected my own raging fears and worries for the future. Who am I? I’m a 46-year-old father with a tinge of adult ADHD brought about by various anxieties and self-doubt.

I’m a mess! Don’t listen to me!

But maybe listen to me, because I’ve seen the bottom of a pretty dark pit and I’m still here. I’m still advocating for myself.

I know how to put words together, one in front of the other, until an image appears. So what’s what I’ve been doing. One word, one step, one day at a time. One item of self-care at a time.

When am I happiest? See above. When I’m reading consistently. Not every book satisfies, but the ones that do rewrite my genetic code. I sometimes have to force myself to pick up the book, but once I do, the Tetris pieces start falling into place.

It’s called the zone.

Respect yourself enough to foster self-improvement. Anxiety wins when it cripples you, when it drives you to want nothing more than a you that no longer exists.

I took a hot goddamn shower and steamed the bathroom up to the point I needed a scuba mask to breathe. I got out. Squeegeed that mirror off. I looked in the mirror. That’s me. I’d given myself some grace, but now I needed to bring tough love.

If you’re still doomscrolling and tweeting paranoia, tell yourself to stop. First of all, get off Twitter permanently. Secondly, respect yourself to realize that you are not beyond repair. You are a work in progress. Vow to learn a new skill. (And tell someone about it so you can be held accountable.) Start a new puzzle, a new 300-hour RPG, a new batch of sourdough.

Whatever it is, do it for yourself because no one else can do it for you.

I’ve had a wild week on #365Songs and I’m not going to lie — I’m overjoyed that my week is over and someone else can face this particular blank page for the next few weeks.

But I don’t want to leave this post or this week on a sour or sad note.

Even the end of The Empire Strikes Back ends with hope. Luke, Leia, and the droids staring out into space. Han Solo has been packed in carbonite and shipped off to unknown regions of the universe, the Rebel Alliance shattered, scattered, and wounded. Luke one hand lighter.

Our situation feels demonstrably less bleak than that.

That’s why I’m picking one of my go-to, stone classic melatonin-releasing 1980s jams for this particular date. It never fails me. I hope it never fails you — if it does, well, read another fucking blog because I’m tapped the fuck out.

xoxo

I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh, baby, refrain
From breaking my heart
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you make a me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh, baby, please
Give a little respect to me

And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love, not war
And live at peace with our hearts
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover?

~

Start following the #365Songs playlist today, and listen to each new song with each new article!