I stabbed myself with an Epipen.

“When it hurt worse than normal, that’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”
What I stabbed myself with.

I try so hard to keep it together. All I want is to get through my day without screwing something up. Yet today, I managed to crack the backboard on my driveway basketball hoop and bump my grandma’s car into her garage. And I would be remiss to not mention all the times I’ve “lost” my wallet, car keys and pretty much everything semi-important.

This brings me to a fun story I want to tell. I’m pretty sure everyone is jealous of me and I’m not sorry about it.

Anyways, for the last several years I’ve worked at a summer camp and thousands of dollars are spent each year on Epipens due to the large number of campers with risk of anaphylaxis.

And before I continue, Epipens are legitimate lifesavers and have saved countless lives. But to the rest of us, they often leave us thinking, “What if I stabbed myself when I don’t really need it?”

Here is a key detail. All of the real Epipens come with trainers that look like the picture below. And this summer, I worked as a clinic assistant where we have a large collection of these trainers along with a stash of expired Epipens from previous years.

This is a trainer. This is not what I stabbed myself with.

So this is where the “I always manage to mess up” aspect of me becomes important.

Earlier in the summer, I had the incredible opportunity to stab a fruit with an expired Epipen. Several weeks later, I wanted to help a friend of mine do the same.

But before letting him stab away, my boss wanted me to show him how to use a trainer. Pretty reasonable. So I went back to the stock room and grabbed what I thought was a trainer.

Guess what? It wasn’t a trainer.

With the “trainer” in hand, I showed my friend how to pull off the blue safety, hold it right, and where to aim.

Then it hit me. The needle, that is.

I remember thinking, “Wow, I don’t remember it hurting that badly.” And I was right. It shouldn’t have hurt that badly. Go me.

Now I only held the Epipen in me for less than a second, but the shock of unknowingly stabbing myself in the thigh gave me an unbelievable rush of adrenaline (and feelings of stupidity). I didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything. It honestly would have been kind of cool to feel the full effects of epinephrine, but I’ll get over it.

The nurses in the clinic had me sit around for a few minutes and was subsequently teased about having symptoms I didn’t actually have. So that was cool.

There’s really no moral to this story other than you should read the directions on medical supplies before using them, but whatever.

I’ve been stabbed by an Epipen. You haven’t. I win.

Just next time I recommend an Auvi-Q. Those things talk to you.

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