11 Secrets to Success at the GSB
1. Build Your Emotional Playbook
Here at the GSB, we are constantly facing difficult conversations. You must be prepared with an arsenal of emotion words to complete the phrase:
“I feel ____.”
When you’re avoiding a cold call: I feel exposed.
When you’re trying to get an invite to a party: I feel barren.
When you’re trying to date: I feel connected.
Our recommendation: channel your inner Tom Brady, buy a play-call wristband, and wear your emotions on your sleeve, literally.
2. Seek Out Arbitrage Opportunities
We pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to the GSB. Make some money back through culinary arbitrage! Arbuckle is only expensive for suckers. A cup of Arbuckle soft serve ice cream is priced by the ounce but a cone of soft serve is $1.50. Put those savings toward… your Vegas FOAM budget… your budding cryptocurrency fund?
3. Build Long-lasting Relationships
Schedule coffee chats with Rob Siegel and David Dodson at least 18 months in advance. They’re rock stars — getting on their calendars is harder than getting a Coachella ticket.
4. Outsource Everything, starting with your Google Calendar
Hire a personal assistant to manage your Google Calendar. Networking is hard, so have your assistant book coffee chats with your ‘highest potential’ classmates! Choosing whether to attend that important career-advancing networking event or FOAM with the popular kids? Let your assistant use some machine learning magic to decide! Finding the perfect blast tax can be tough, so have your assistant browse Reddit for you! Make sure you put your best (extroverted) foot forward by optimizing your social life.
5. Position Yourself for Success in the classroom
What’s the most important day of each quarter? Seat selection day. Choosing a seat is an art and it’s essential to position yourself for success, whether that’s avoiding cold calls, earning another H in your journey to Arjay, or having the shortest possible distance from the door when you get to class late. Many a sad MBA has chosen a seat in the front row only to watch his quarter turn into a cold-calling hell.
6. Buy Low, Sell High in the Secondary Ticket Market
Here at the GSB, we have the most liquid of secondary markets. As Warren Buffett once said, “My recommendation is simple: buy multiple tickets to a social event at the early bird price, then sell at the regular price T-1 days before the event. The spread is glorious! You’ll be raking in the profits before you can say #GSBlessed.” Hint: Like any great investment strategy, you may want to keep this top secret.
7. Prioritize Your Reputation when dating at the GSB
Even though you’ve taken your pick from the #GSBsingles slack channel, you may not be ready for the entire GSB to know your business. When hanging out with your prospective SO, stick to the inverse donut theory for dating locations: either spend time in your room on campus or go farther out to Mountain View, San Francisco, even New York City. Don’t be yet another relationship that is outed during an innocent walk down University Avenue!
8: Focus on Profit Margin for your passdown house
The passdown process is well-regulated, equitable, and loved by everyone, but we’ve found there are a few unspoken guidelines that make the process even more fruitful.
9. Find Your Perfect Business Partner for Life
As budding entrepreneurs, we know the importance of finding the perfect business partner — hardworking, complementary skill sets, and all-around fun. But what about finding your business partner FOR LIFE? As Work & Family has taught us, we must find a spouse who’s driven, supportive, and downright attractive. But watch out, Silicon Valley is full of love… love for technology. Forget handwritten love letters and romantic dinners, here we’re all about nights spent in virtual reality and Slack communication!
10. Look the Part
From embroidered Patagonia vests to animal onesies to sequin-covered 70’s outfits, an expansive wardrobe will set you up for success at any social engagement. If you’re getting an expensive animal costume, always buy. Never rent.
11. Prioritize Clear Communication
Hello GSB, goodbye other relationships! We recommend you set up a two-year-long out-of-office reply to all family members and pre-GSB friends to set expectations (aka you won’t call them): “I am at GSB traveling the world spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in an attempt to find myself! I will be unreachable until June 2018 when I return to the real world after a vacation. Talk soon!”
Hope these secrets to success get you through the wild world of GSB.
