I Endured Domestic Abuse. No One Knew
I was 16 when I started showing up at home with the occasional bruise on my arms. Those were easy to explain. A doorknob in the wrong place at the wrong time. The school locker door, to explain eye bruises. But once, he went a little too far. He dragged me to the floor by my hair and opened my lip with a punch. That night, I told my mom about the abuse.
I was embarrassed. I felt guilty. For sure I had to have done or said something to cause it. My boyfriend of two years had been using me as a punching bag and I could no longer hide it from my parents and friends at school. My family’s reaction was swift. I was taken to the police and enrolled in therapy.
My mom asked me a couple of days later: “What is wrong with you?”
Truth is, I was an apparently normal teenager. I had friends and was very close to my family. I was always competing for the best grades (the other main contender for top student was my secretly abusive boyfriend). No one expected this bright, energetic, and strong-willed person who always said what she thought to be a victim. My abusive boyfriend was never prosecuted — they said that he was too young. And I was bullied by many at the high school we attended because many never believed me.
Through the coming months and years, I learned about domestic abuse, with or without physical violence. I learned that the “easy choice” of leaving the abuser is often not that easy or obvious. I learned how to read the signs and how to detect traits of egocentric and psychopathic abusers.
Today, when everyone is talking about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard accusing each other of domestic violence, I know that abuse, in some shape or form, is more prevalent than most of us think.
Several friends, including here at Stanford, have described to me their own incidents. Most of those abuses kept happening after our conversations. And all of those friends never told anyone else. None could accept they were victims.
Domestic abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats. When we think of abuse, we picture The Maid — someone that is completely and visibly isolated, that forewent the opportunity to go to college and is now left with no financial independence (The Maid is, in any case, a must-see Netflix show that takes us into the heart of the destructiveness of domestic abuse).
But there are many more ways to experience abuse. Abusers get greedy. They go beyond the fragile partner. They crave powerful partners — the ultimate goal. After all, if they manage to destroy a powerful person’s self-confidence and self-worth, they might finally be satisfied with themselves.
About 1 in 5 college students say that they have been abused by an intimate partner, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Yet, more than half of all college students say they would have difficulty identifying dating abuse. This leads to long-lasting abusive relationships that go unnoticed for years or even decades.
Although many don’t know, victims of domestic violence on US campuses are protected by Title IX, a federal law that “protects people from discrimination based on sex in education programs or activities that receive federal financial assistance.” As such, colleges must pursue an investigation of reported incidents of domestic violence and protect victims. If you find yourself in such a relationship, I encourage you to reach out to the resources we have around us: sexual violence support or relationship violence support.
While we have resources and Title IX on our side, this is an emotionally draining and often inconclusive process. Our role as peers becomes even more important in this panorama. More than telling my story here (which I’ve never done in such a public way), I urge you to look for the signs around you. Is your friend or classmate disengaging from school or social activities? Do they break down into tears for no apparent reason? Do they stop doing things they used to do with so much pleasure? Be brave; ask more questions. Allow them to open up. Don’t be nosy, but create that space. You’ll be surprised to see how helpful you will be. In doing this, you shouldn’t create pressure or expectations for the relationship to break up. But you will definitely help the victim take some steps towards healing. If someone had done that with me, I would perhaps have had the courage to stop it earlier.
