Love in the Time of Turkey Drop

Earlier this quarter, I sent a survey to the Class of 2020 and SOs, asking what advice people in relationships had received from former students, colleagues, or friends.

“You have to choose one or the other — the relationship or school.”

“When at admit weekend I told a current student that my then-fiance was not moving to Stanford with me, he told us, ‘Oh, you guys will be broken up by Thanksgiving.’”

“Prior to coming here, a GSB alum told me we would break up.”

“Basically all I heard was something like, ‘Oh, you’re going to visit her at the GSB? You’ll just get to meet the guy she’s going to f*** and break up with you for.’”

I’m sorry, what?

Since when does anyone feel comfortable saying “you’ll probably break up” to a stranger? In any context? (But particularly at admit weekend? Wild.) Even worse than the anecdotes is their frequency. Year after year, we somehow manage to perpetuate the narrative of the “turkey drop” — the end of a pre-GSB relationship, by Thanksgiving.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes relationships need to end, and the hyperactive environment in the first weeks of school may bring this clarity. But there are two aspects of the above anecdotes that run counter to the value of community that we profess. First, the flippant inevitability of the turkey drop narrative does nothing to support those whose relationships do end. And second, the sole focus on the breakup result only makes the GSB transition harder for those who stay with their partners.

Yes, many of our community’s pre-GSB relationships have sadly ended since we arrived. That sucks. There is no other way to describe it. What bothers me most about the turkey drop storyline is that it leaves little room to recognize how hard breakups truly are. The turkey drop tells us, “this is the result we should have expected or even pre-empted; why lose sleep?” I reject such a shallow response to those who are swallowing breakups while still keeping up with all that the GSB demands. What would it look like if the prevailing narrative instead focused on our community’s unwavering commitment to supporting our friends through all the challenges this transition can bring? To the next prospective student worried about the turkey drop, we can say: “Yes, it’s true that sometimes things don’t work out. No matter how things go for you, we will be here to help carry you. Whatever that looks like.”

And what about for those whose relationships stay the course? The turkey drop only introduces doubt and insecurity on top of the table-stakes challenges of time management, communication, and new surroundings. There is much work to be done in helping students and SOs through these aspects of transition. Indeed, there are also real structural issues to SOs being integrated into community life. Just ask the GSB SO Task Force, students and SOs in the 2020 community (shout out: Sabrina Ramos, Aaron Kappe, Sam Margo, Allegra Tepper, Diego Zavala). Their May 2019 report showed that the challenges of maintaining a GSB relationship are not limited to the ups and downs of love — there are digital, physical, and other barriers. For example, SO’s lack of access to facilities in the residences, Slack, and even the WiFi network; I’ll be the first to say that I had never thought about some of the issues raised in the report. We have a long way to go towards adequately supporting couples who transition to the GSB together.

So, let’s start correcting the narrative. I bring to you, crowdsourced and paraphrased from the Class of 2020 community, advice for navigating relationships at 655 Knight Way:

1. Spread the word and take it to heart: in this community, we support our friends through victories and challenges, and we celebrate the commitments we choose to keep.

2. You have to make time for the things you care about — there’s no way around it.

3. Communicate! Share calendars! Forward invites! Use the CC button!

4. Remember that the GSB is two years. Your commitment to a partner might be much longer than that. Your commitment to yourself definitely will be. Perspective!

5. As with any transition or life phase there will be ups and downs, and it might be tough at times. Have patience, and trust yourself.

This Thanksgiving, let’s drop the “turkey drop” narrative. Instead, let’s focus on helping our friends through transitions big and small.