PANIC ATTACK
By Nancy Liao
My friend’s lips move; her words knit a simple story
The story retreats from focus, interrupted by a THUMP…THUMP THUMP
A DJ set from an unexpected genre, the too-rapid beat invades speakers and stage
The beat is his own character, room darkens and spotlight shines to introduce him
Hearing and vision give way to THUMPTHUMPTHUMP
Muscles dissolve, mind no longer my own
Incapacitated, a body in a river helpless to the current
Fingers unbuckling and legs carrying me out into the night air without my knowledge or consent
Confusion draws water into my eyes
Anger spits it out with furious force
Understanding is all I want and all I cannot have
Mind and body’s assertions of dominance escalate
each demanding the other bow to its will
in search of a solution that doesn’t exist
because there is no problem
yet they continue charging at each other
Understanding is all they want
And silence
I want to let the world back in
The twinkling lights against my retinas to ignite my amygdala
The voice of my friend to pierce past my eardrums
The movement of my body to connect with my consciousness
The breath to return to my lungs
For the first time, I notice my breath
It is a butterfly not to be captured without first being spotted
It comes into focus and I zoom in on it
I inhale, exhale, recapture the physical feelings one by one
My body becoming mine again
I am me again
My life is mine
It is not my anxiety’s
The love I experience for my friends
The gratitude I feel for the sun, the stars, the hummingbirds playing outside the pink N-wing
I stop daily to capture them in memory
because I know how life is without them
My life is mine and I love her
The THUMPTHUMPTHUMP won’t tear us apart
I invite him into our home
Stay as long as you need
You are welcome here
because you can’t hurt us now
For now
Editors: Claire Yun and Divine Edem
