Spatial awareness
281 days in space and I couldn’t shake the feeling
that you’d forgotten to water my monsteras. Will
they still be alive by the time I get back? Mars is cold
and beautiful. The landscape seems to stretch on forever
like the dreams we had as children. I never
remembered much except the unsteady sensation of living
another person’s life, and waking up unsure about my role
On this new planet everything is exciting and strangely
enough I worry about Jude, are they sleeping
enough? I guess I’m scared
of change. When eventually I return to earth
will it feel like waking up? Three years
is a long time if you think about it, they told me I’ll lose
twenty-five percent of my body
weight by the time I make it home
And now that I’ve sat in total darkness
listening to the universe agitate
Diaphragm swelling as it breathes life into itself
how can I go back to eating
dinner with plastic forks at the office, talking
into an 8 x 15 box that lights up?
And what if I want to be an astronaut
for the rest of my life
will the space between us
keep unfolding? It’s already uneasy
If only I’d loved the ocean instead. Or maybe
that would have been worse
Out on the open water I could be bodiless
no real shape for my bones to observe
nothing to gently cradle me home
This poem explores some of the feelings I’ve had and observed during my first few quarters at the GSB. There is excitement, curiosity, and wonder that comes with being in an environment full of new stimuli and opportunities. The narrator is discovering things about themselves, and the lens through which they view the world is widening.
At the same time, they feel tension between this new life and their old one. They’re not sure exactly who they’re becoming, or what they might be leaving behind. They want to bring their important people along with them but they don’t always know how to, and this scares them. They wonder if, at the end of this adventure, it will be easy to resume their old job, habits, and life. Or will things have changed in some irreversible way? They’re not sure which they hope is true.
Editor: Soa Andrian
