The 20% that may make you lose your mind
I was at a wedding recently where I unexpectedly met a GSB alum. He had graduated about a decade ago and was curious to hear how my GSB experience had been thus far. I gave him my well-rehearsed response that “it’s been an incredible experience” and that “the personal growth and the new friendships have particularly exceeded my expectations”, all of which were true then and are still true today.
I was not expecting what he said next: “I also remember GSB being the two hardest, most stressful years of my life.”
The honesty of his response shook me. And it got me thinking.
I generally frame my GSB experience as overwhelmingly positive. After paying hundreds of thousands of dollars and investing two years of my life, it feels scary, and a bit unhelpful at this point, to admit that parts of it weren’t so great. Of course it is incredible, of course I’ve grown a lot; so why am I complaining?
I’ve been reflecting on his question for over a year now. My conclusion feels overly obvious, yet exactly right: life at the GSB is both wonderful and quite hard and stressful. Both realities co-exist. While 80% includes amazing once-in-a-lifetime experiences, I want to give light to the rarely spoken 20% that puts students’ mental health to the test, starting with my own journey.
My mental health journey at GSB
A few months into GSB, I started having sleep issues, waking up in the middle of the night. A few days a week at first, then on most nights. Paying attention and being productive became difficult, and so was “going above and beyond”. It troubled me when I could not make the most out of this experience and be truly present in the moments that make GSB special.
As someone who had publicly spoken about mental health in the past and wanted to continue advancing mental wellness solutions, I didn’t shy away from exploring solutions. I tried every best practice: no screen before bed, cold room temperature, journaling before bed, no work in bed, melatonin, and many more.
Eventually, sleep became an obsession: the more I wanted to sleep, the less I slept. And nights can be long and lonely when you’re awake.
When summer finally came around, I had the chance to step away temporarily from the GSB environment. Almost instantaneously, I stopped having sleep issues. Just like that. And, right on schedule, when school started again in the fall, my insomnia came back.
Within all of this — the bad, the average, and some good nights too — I also found peace, excitement, energy, and self-fulfillment through new friendships, dinners and board game nights, career exploration, new sports, travels, and learnings, inside and outside of the classroom.
Hardship and joy, existing side by side.
This joy comes from the people, the academics, the opportunities for growth and self-reflection, the flexibility of student life, and the ability to decide where to take our careers next. It is what gets promoted publicly by the GSB and that we all get to experience.
But let’s not neglect the 20% of times that are hard.
I’ve been to enough TALKs and have had enough intimate conversations to say that GSB amplifies our deepest insecurities. Being surrounded by incredible classmates can make us feel like we are never enough. Is it enough if I don’t train for a marathon? Is it enough if I still don’t know my next job? Is it enough if I am not maximizing my academic units? There is a constant unspoken comparison that occurs.
These insecurities mixed with the fast-paced environment of the GSB feel overwhelming at times. And decision fatigue kicks in. Should I prioritize this BBL or that one? Which social event should I go to and how does my personal time fit into all of this? What is my purpose?
Lastly, there is an expectation that you’re “special”. GSB’s motto is “Change Lives, Change Organizations, Change the World”. It’s meant to be inspirational and it is; from day 1, you feel empowered to chase your highest ambitions. This “dream big” culture is also daunting and puts unnecessary pressure on what it means to be a GSB graduate. I know that I can make a difference but isn’t changing the world a bit much?
Students need mental health support
Many classmates found that GSB reopened their wounds. An alum even wrote about the pressure surrounding body image she experienced while at GSB. To manage the daily stressors, some pick up journaling, meditation, or seek the support of a therapist or a coach, and others cope in silence.
Beyond anecdotal evidence, the high demand for therapy services at GSB speaks to the important mental health struggles students experience. Indeed, the GSB has an assigned therapist, a wonderful person dedicated to his job and deeply caring for students. Despite all his best efforts to support students, the demand for his services far exceeds his capacity. When I got in touch with him, he could not afford to see me for an extended period of time, and redirected me to external resources.
While what GSB students share with the world is pictures of travels, social events of all kinds, incredible lecturers and guest speakers, all smiles and fun, there is a 20% that is rarely shared outside of intimate circles: the hours of anxiety as we navigate the ambiguity of our futures, the nights of poor sleep, the late nights prepping for our busy day ahead, the social anxiety as we enter new social groups and miss our old ones.
Adjustments to academic requirements or career support will only incrementally help. What students really need is more practical support, specifically therapists and coaches, that can help them manage some level of discomfort necessary for growth while ensuring that they do not lose their minds doing so.
As an Arbuckle Fellow, I had the opportunity to be supported by a professional coach. Recently, my coach told me that I should “stop chasing sleep and, instead, allow it to come”. As simple as it sounds, my sleep has considerably improved since. Providing students with timely and affordable access to coaches and therapists can ensure that they get the most out of their experience at GSB, without the expense to their personal health.
I emphasize the 20% because it is important to recognize that it is challenging to grind every day, chase your dreams, form your character, learn, and try to be a better person, a better leader, a better anything. Appreciating that GSB is hard doesn’t take away from the fact that this experience is amongst the two most transformative and exceptional years of our lives.
Perhaps, the next time I get asked about my GSB experience at a wedding, I’ll take the time to provide a more nuanced answer that celebrates the duality of this place.
I spent the past two years exploring the mental health sector and care deeply about increasing accessibility and affordability to all. If this article resonated with you, please contact me!
Editor: Kha-ai Nguyen-Wilk
