What Matters Most Isn’t All That Matters
What matters most to me changed on December 19, 2022, when the doctor told me to give one last push, said “it’s a boy!” and dropped my newborn son on my chest. Before, so many things had competed for my attention: time with family and friends, my career, my favorite books and video games. My GSB “what matters most” essay was about empathy and forging meaningful relationships. But “meaningful relationships” takes on a whole new meaning when you’re handed a helpless infant, wearing only a diaper and a hat (why do babies come with hats?), learning to breathe and giving his first cries. It hit me then, as it does every day when I look at William’s precious little face, that he and I only get one shot at this. I need to be the best mother I can for him — no one else can do that job for me.
Being the best mother, as it turns out, requires an enormous amount of effort. I didn’t realize until I started doing research during my third trimester just how useless new babies are. They don’t even know how to eat, much less smile. Every day I make hundreds of decisions that shape his growing brain: what toys to play with, what songs to sing, what books to read (currently his favorite is “Where’s Spot?”), when to eat, when to sleep, when to go on a walk. When he finally goes to bed at night, I feel drained. I am confident I will help him learn to walk and talk, but I can only hope that I am also teaching him to be happy and kind. I have never felt so much respect and appreciation for my own mother — and for all parents — as during these first months of William’s life.
People’s reactions to my becoming a mother while in business school have varied, but most offer something along the lines of “you’re amazing, I don’t know how you’re doing it.” At first, I agreed. The first few weeks postpartum were the hardest of my life. Recovering from an intense medical procedure, learning to breastfeed (it’s not easy!), dealing with massive hormonal swings (I was left weeping after watching a Coke commercial), and having to wake up every two hours at night do not make for a healthy combination. I was in “mom mode” all the time. The most space I could carve out for myself was a shower or a ten-minute walk, neither of which made me feel much better.
And then, three and a half weeks in, I went back to class. I could have taken a leave of absence, but I didn’t want to delay graduation. I discovered, to my surprise, that the GSB doesn’t have a formal policy allowing students to attend class virtually, even with childbirth or other disability accommodations (though many of my professors did provide Zoom links anyway, which I appreciated). Needless to say, I was dreading my first day back. I was so tired I wasn’t sure I should be driving. I was afraid to leave the baby for more than a few minutes, even with my husband and a bottle of milk. I had been so consumed by caring for him every moment since he was born that I had all but forgotten how to do anything else.
But when I stepped into Town Square, something magical happened. For the first time in a month, I was able to leave behind my role as William’s mother. Friends ran up and hugged me. I sat through an entire class. When I went home, I felt happier than I had in days. It didn’t matter that William hadn’t learned how to smile yet. I finally had the energy to give him a genuine grin.
My attitude has changed since I returned to school, friends, and life. Yes, having a baby during business school has been hard. But I am also extremely fortunate. If I were working, I would be back full-time by now, but being in school allows me to spend most of my day with my son. I have been able to arrange my schedule to minimize time away from home while still taking the most interesting electives. If I have coffee chats, I bring him along — he’s very popular on campus.
In fact, I’ve come to believe that my time at the GSB was the ideal opportunity to have a child. One of my biggest fears before William was born was that I would forget who I had been and what had mattered before. And while that was true for a while, in the darkest weeks of the winter, I found that being part of the GSB community helped me reclaim the rest of my identity. Now that I have so much less of it, I’m much more intentional about how I spend my time, and I use my limited non-mom time to live my life to the fullest. I am only taking classes I am truly interested in, and I speak up much more than I used to. My friends are wonderful about accepting the baby as one of the group when we hang out. I talk to my family often, and I call old friends to catch up as I walk William around the park. My husband and I have made it out to dinner a few times. I got the new Zelda game, though it’ll probably take me months to finish. And I’m excited to start working again, knowing that my success will go toward supporting my family.
Returning to school helped remind me that life outside of baby William is important too. What’s more, I find that I am a better mother when I spend some time not being a mother. I am more cheerful playing with William when he wakes up bursting with energy at 6 AM when I know that I have class to look forward to at 8. An hour-long nap can make a long fussy evening more bearable. Attending a GSB party or watching silly movies with friends reminds me how much joy there is in life, and how I will get to share that with my son.
So if anyone is considering having a child in business school, I say go for it. Did I miss out on a lot of FOAMs? Sure. Have I been able to do every bit of reading assigned to me? No, but that’s not unusual. Is it great to come home from class to a giggling baby who loves me more than anything? Absolutely. To the administration: thank you for the lovely nursing room in the basement of Bass and for all the other accommodations — I never worried I wouldn’t be able to succeed as a mother at the GSB. But for the next generation of GSB parents, maybe let them take a couple weeks of Zoom class. They’ll be zombies anyway — you’ll be doing everyone a favor.
And to William, if he reads this one day: I love you more than anything, but not to the exclusion of everything. I hope you understand.
Editor: Soa Andrian
